I Think I've Literally Been Driven Crazy

UGH! I never thought anything could ruin a Friday afternoon commute until I got flipped off by someone who was cutting ME off. How does that work?

When I finally arrived home yesterday, I parked my car, got out and walked around it, inspecting every inch of it. No, I wasn’t looking for damage from a fender-bender, I was looking for a sign that said “PLEASE CUT ME OFF.” Maybe everyone shares this thought, but I truly believe that I get cut off more than any other person in the world. Is it the car that I drive? My friendly face? Or maybe I'm not riding the ass of the car in front of me enough.

I have a love-hate relationship with driving; there are moments when I’m in the car, singing along to my iPod tunes, it’s 75 degrees outside, the windows are down, the moon roof is open and I’m cruising around at 40 – 50 miles per hour with my aviators on. And then there are the moments when I am near tears, slamming my palms on the steering wheel, screaming F-bombs, calling Matt to let him know I’m going to be home much later than I thought and wishing that someone had invented a transport button prior to the year 2008.

If any of you were caught in the state-wide gridlock during the afternoon snowstorm last December, then you know exactly what I’m talking about - an extreme example, I know.

Unfortunately for me and countless other Massachusetts residents, the state in which we reside is notorious for breeding “Massholes.” I’ve been driving on Massachusetts roads for almost 14 years now. While I certainly don’t claim to have a good driving record (in fact, I might have one of the worst in MA - I’m pretty sure my photo is posted on the walls of a few insurance agencies around the state), it’s clear to me that the driving situation has drastically declined over the years. I’d like to think that one’s driving record has nothing to do with one’s driving etiquette but I could be very wrong.

Of course cars, in general, have their pros...

• Transportation convenience.
• Travel & leisure purposes.
• They create job opportunities (production, maintenance).
• Revenue from taxes.

And cons…

• They're dangerous.
• Accidents happen.
• They're costly.
• They create pollution.
• They promote laziness.

Then there’s the fun stuff...

• Choosing a car.
• Picking a color.
• Driving a new car off the lot.
• Having AC for the first time.
• Having heated seats for the first time.
• Springing for add-ons like the iPod adapter.
• Not having to rely on public transportation.
• Paying it off while it’s still running smoothly.
• Freedom to go wherever you want, whenever you want.

And the petty annoyances…

• The monthly payments.
• “Pain at the pump.”
• The car’s heat feels too hot.
• The AC feels too cold.
• Opening the windows makes it too windy.
• Realizing the moon roof you wanted your whole life causes the sun to beat down on your scalp and makes you super-sensitive to sunlight.
• On certain days, the visor doesn’t quite line up with the sun.
• A headlight burns out.
• The engine light stays on.
• Synthetic oil changes.
• Stop and go traffic with a standard.
• The idiots who don’t put their shopping carts in the corrals.
• Road rage.

Even if you’ve enjoyed driving at one point in your life, you must admit that there’s not much to like about it these days. Think about it, when was the last time you actually witnessed someone stop for a pedestrian in the crosswalk (Lexington center not included) or pull over for an emergency vehicle with flashing lights and a blaring siren? How about a driver that leaves more than ten feet in between his car and the car in front of him? Or drivers coming off side roads who think THEY have the right of way? Either the driver's ed curriculum hasn't held up over time or driving etiquette has simply gone by the wayside.

But pedestrian etiquette seems to have also gone by the wayside, at least in my city. It’s very common to see pedestrians walk across the street without looking, wearing all black (usually hooded) clothing while the drivers have a green light at a light that’s well-known in the city for being the shortest green light on the planet. Apparently these pedestrians are only aware of their own precious time…I’d love to know where THEY are headed. These same pedestrians also tend to walk with a “limp” and take their sweet-ass time crossing the street, ensuring that you never get to your destination on time. I digress.

Driving is a very strange concept when you think about it. Just like anything else, there are rules; however it does require us to put a lot of trust in the human race.

This got me thinking.

I recently decided to conduct some of my own informal, sociological studies while driving. And, it appears that my driving etiquette isn’t what I thought it was. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I am a discriminatory driver!

Here are some of my findings:

1. It appears as though I’ve been awarded the MOST LIKELY TO GET CUT OFF superlative.

I’m hoping this is because of my friendly face and nothing more. Maybe it’s because I drive a Mini and they appear to be “happy” cars like a VW Beetle. I don’t mind letting cars go in front of me but it’s the pushy drivers I hate. And I can be stubborn behind the wheel when I have the right of way!

2. Drivers are more likely to let me go in front of them when I’m driving my Mini Cooper than when I’m driving my husband’s Subaru.

I have 2 guesses as to why this occurs:

1. People view a Mini as a half of a car so, in theory, if they allow me to go in front of them, they’re really only allowing themselves to get a half a car behind in traffic.


2. People are discriminating against me because they assume that a woman driving a Subaru is a lesbian.

3. This one I’m embarrassed to admit, but I’m much more likely to allow non-white drivers to pull out in front of me.

This is sometimes referred to as “reverse racism” but, in actuality, the term shouldn’t even exist because reverse racism is just plain racism. Wait a minute…that means I’m racist? Against my own race? Racism of ANY kind is not ok.

4. I typically only allow sedans and compact cars to pull out in front of me.

Maybe this is discrimination but there’s nothing I hate more than being stuck behind an SUV while driving my Mini. So, if you see me ignoring you as you’re trying to pull out in front of me, it’s because I don’t want to get stuck behind your over-sized vehicle that you told yourself you “needed” to buy when, really, you purchased it to make up for the areas in which you’re lacking. Let me guess, you also own a pit bull, rottweiler or mastiff.

In an older post, I commented on the cost of gas for my Mini. Well, Jenn Abelson, a Boston Globe writer, recently wrote a very interesting article about frustrated owners of “gas guzzlers” and I’m sure you can guess that the Mini was not on the list. In the article, George Hoffer, an economics professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, refers to the SUV as an “irrational vehicle.” My older brother and I found this quite funny for a number of reasons. First of all, these “frustrated” owners knew exactly what they signed up for when they purchased their SUVs.

Click here to view Jenn Abelson's entire article: http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2008/05/06/frustrated_owners_try_to_unload_their_guzzlers/

Now, before you all get upset, let me say that I don’t hate all SUVs, I just hate the over-sized, irrational SUVs (and pickups) such as Hummers, Suburbans, Yukons, Escalades and F150s. And I don’t claim to be awesome because I own a Mini; I’ll be the first to admit that I bought it because it is cute and British, not because it is small, eco-friendly or has good MPG. I guess I'm just tired of people suggesting that they "need" an SUV when, really, they just want one for the same reasons that I wanted a Mini. Face it, most SUVs hold the same amount of people and groceries that a regular car holds. And, if you do have a large family, there are other options out there such as minivans or station wagons, but I guess those aren't trendy enough.

For those of you who are SUV-obsessed and plan on staying that way, there is good news. You now have several new eco-friendly options available to you including smaller-sizes, hybrids and crossovers. And, just to be clear, I don’t hold grudges against people who own SUVs; after all, part of the reason they became so popular was because we were led to believe that they're safer than smaller cars when, in fact, they aren’t (I won't bore you with statistics at this time). Similarly, many people have been "forced" to buy SUVs just so they can see around all the irrational vehicles on the SUV-infested roads.

Ideally, if we want to consider the safety of the entire American population, and not just ourselves, it makes a lot more sense for everyone to own smaller cars rather than continually trying to one-up one another with bigger cars and trucks.

So, while America’s SUV obsession has become embarrassing over the years, there is a glimmer of hope; it appears that the SUV craze has, indeed, peaked. Those Hummer owners who thought they were so cool and powerful just a few short years ago are now being shunned by their trendy, green neighbors.

What is more baffling to me is that Americans compete with each other to own the largest car while the British compete to own the smallest car. Yes, the two countries are located on different continents, but how can it be possible for the two to have such drastically different ideologies regarding cars?

Once again, I digress. Maybe that should’ve been a separate post!

I’m throwing you all a bone here, but if you own an SUV and you’d like to retort, all you have to do is Google the Mini (my car) and Subaru (my husband’s car), together, to find out what they have in common. I'm sure this will give you more than enough material for future jokes - http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/12/fashion/12cars.html?8dpc

Oh, and by the way, if I won the lottery tomorrow, one of the first things I'd do is buy a Range Rover or Mercedes G-Wagen.

Face It, A.C., You're Not Making a Comeback.

Ah...Memorial Day weekend. It's all about BBQing, drinking, playing lawn games, getting eaten by mammoth mosquitoes and shooting the sh** with your friends. A summer tease that makes me dread going back to work on Tuesday is what it is. Uh, what exactly is it that we are memorializing again? Just kidding.

With potato salad and 12-packs in hand, we went to our first cookout of the weekend on Sunday. And while many of our high school friends have now produced offspring, it's comforting to know that we can still immerse ourselves in nonsensical conversations. I mean, really, who wants to talk about mortgages, Hillary & Barack, the economy, how much it costs to build a fence or who has a bigger backyard when we can question why Mario Lopez made the list of top ten sexiest celebrity abs?

Much to my delight, it was someone other than me who initiated this conversation. It was actually my friend, Liz, who informed us that A.C. Slater made Life and Style magazine's list of top ten sexiest abs. Her reaction? The same as mine: "Seriously, they couldn't find anyone better? How about David Beckham?"

Now, please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not into "hot bodies" the way that I used to be; I can assure you that the days of me ripping shirtless photos of Jordan Knight, Kirk Cameron and Jonathan Brandis out of Bop and Teen Beat and taping them to my bedroom walls are long over. But Mr. Mullet, himself? I know it's an "ab" contest but they didn't put bags over any of their heads, did they? Shouldn't looks, style, career and reputation count for something in this contest? In all "celebrity" contests, for that matter? If your answer is "no", ask your subconscious.

But before we question why A.C. Slater made this list, I'd prefer to know why he's still in the public eye. I hear that he has a new book out - something about fitness. Is anyone going to buy it? Well, I guess they will now that he's on the list of sexiest celebrity abs. Suckers.

Here are some of the more qualified contenders...

(sorry, guys, I didn't include any girls on this list but feel free to Google Marissa Miller)

My personal fave...

Apparently now that he and Angie are together, he no longer poses shirtless...

A bit young...

His abs are in the center of the photo, ladies...

Best all around...

And I guess I'll give it to McConaughey...

you can imagine how difficult it was to find a photo of him shirtless...

I believe, on our way home from a second cookout on Monday, I made a pretty good argument as to why Memorial Day Weekend should be Memorial Day Week from now on. Unfortunately, I don't really remember the crux of my argument.

Say It Ain't So, Indy!

Dear Indiana Jones,

Even if we actually met, in person, I don't think you would be capable of understanding the pleasure and enjoyment you have bestowed upon me and my family over the past 27 years. Do you know that when people ask me what my favorite movies are, I immediately respond "The Game, Star Wars and Indiana Jones"? Ok, so you don't get first billing, but you do get second AND third (something tells me that you're familiar with that Han Solo guy).

I cannot even begin to explain the excitement I felt when I learned that you would be making another Indiana Jones movie, 19 years after The Last Crusade. I have spent countless months defending you against many naysayers and what do you do in return? You stab me in the back by making one of THE worst movies I've seen in years. In fact, I'd like my $16 back.

Of course, Indy being Indy, the movie is sure to rake in millions at the box office but earnings have nothing to do with credibility. Never in my life would I have imagined that Harrison Ford, Steven Speilberg and George Lucas were capable of teaming up to create such a fiasco. And to think I defended the three of you by arguing that you would never have agreed to this reunion unless there was a tremendous plot and script behind it. Boy was I wrong!

Indy, you've disappointed me severely! And let me say that it has nothing to do with your age - I saw the topless scene and you look great. You just should not have agreed to the ridiculousness of the plot. We forgave you for making The Temple of Doom but, I'm sorry, we cannot forgive you for making The Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull.

All I can say is that I will do my best to hang on to those original memories from the 80s and not allow this to taint my image of you. After all, we all make mistakes.

Much Love, MJ

P.S. Although you're old enough to be my father, I'd be willing to make myself available if you're looking for some adventure outside of Hollywood.

I guess I'll have to eat Jeff Archuleta's hat.

It is a glorious day, America!

This feeling that I have is definitely worth the price of the Chimay I owe my brother.

Note to David Cook: No pressure but your first CD better have me sprinting to Newbury Comics the day it comes out.

My bank account is empty. And I don't get paid for another week.

It appears that $50 doesn't get you very far these days. Just yesterday I spent $50 at the gas station and, no, I didn't go into the mini mart. It probably would've cost me more like $53 and change to actually fill my tank but since I have this weird habit of always needing to stop the pump on an even amount of money, it only cost me $50.

50 dollars?!?! Did I mention I drive a Mini Cooper, not an SUV?

If only cars ran on tears.

I'm also finding it near impossible to leave the grocery store without dropping at least $50. No, we don't have any kids and, no, we're not obese.

Can anyone tell me why my salary isn't increasing as rapidly as the cost of gas and groceries?

What exactly does $50 get me nowadays?

• A cute top from Anthropologie


• 2 tickets to the Kooks show at the Paradise before it was sold out


• A haircut (color and tip not included)


• 6 burritos from Mambo Grill


• 15 Americanos at Starbucks


• 4 CDs at Newbury Comics


• 5 bottles of Fat Bastard


• 10 cheap-o trendy bracelets at Forever 21


• 5 tickets to the midnight opening of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull (I now realize this is a huge WASTE of $50)


• 15 months worth of birth control


• 1 1/2 cases of Raspberry UFO


• 10 On Demand movies


• 5 weeks of membership at my gym


• 4 bags of dog food


• 1 right field box seat at Fenway

What $50 cannot buy me...

• A trip to the groomer for Little Jerry


• An oil change (synthetic, of course)


• 2 tickets for the previously mentioned sold out Kooks show


• A week's worth of groceries for me and my husband


• A new sweater from J. Crew


• A roundtrip Southwest Airlines flight from Manchester, NH to Baltimore, MD (like it did 3 years ago when we went to Camden Yards for a Sox game)


• A great bottle of tequila


• A "ticket" to a retirement party for 4 colleagues I barely even know


• A month's worth of cell phone service


• A perfect-fitting pair of jeans


• A 1-day lift ticket at a local ski resort


• Guitar Hero
• A one-year subscription to Us Weekly


• A passport


• A decent pair of shoes


• 2 ink cartridges (black and color) for my printer


• A Friday night out

Confessions of an American Idol Fan: I must not be American

Ok, I confess, I watch American Idol religiously and have for several years now. I didn’t catch the bug immediately but it’s definitely become a guilty pleasure of mine, even with the recent drop in ratings. This is sad on a number of different levels, I know, but more so now because, as of last month, I have exceeded the age limit for contestants (in my defense, Michael Johns and I were the same age at the start of this season).

We all have our weird TV obsessions and, when it comes to reality shows, there’s something for everyone these days. Saturday night I was at a friend’s house and I happened to say to the group “Who watches American Idol?” and I didn’t get a single response. In fact, the group pretty much went on to ridicule me but, before I knew it, everyone was confessing his/her reality show sins. Throughout the conversation I heard TV titles like America’s Next Top Model, Top Chef, Project Runway, Biggest Loser, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Flavor of Love and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (ok...maybe I added the last 2 for fun). Suddenly my AI obsession didn’t appear so strange.

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure why I’m still glued to the TV after all these years because there seems to be only one guarantee in life: my #1 pick will NEVER win American Idol. Every year I somehow convince myself that this will be the year in which my late-night, half-asleep-in-bed phone calls to the generic voice that tells me “thank you for choosing contestant #3, please be sure to watch American Idol tomorrow night at 9 on FOX” will actually make a dent in the millions of votes that are cast every Tuesday night. But, alas, they never do.

If you know me, I'm sure you'll agree that my AI season favorites have become predictable over the years. No one piqued my interest in season 3, Bo Bice was my favorite in season 4, Chris Daughtry in season 5, Blake Lewis in season 6 and now David Cook in season 7. I think you know what they all have in common. I just want a winner who doesn’t fit the mold, you know? Even if it means they are locked into an Idol contract that is guaranteed to produce cheesy KISS 108 or MIX 98.5 ballads.

What makes my AI obsession so funny is the fact that I've never even purchased a CD by an AI winner or contestant. Probably the closest I’ve come is Kelly Clarkson. You have to admit that her songs are quite catchy. I kept meaning to buy her CD every time I was in Newbury Comics but Breakaway and Thankful never did make it into my collection.

I thought Fantasia Barrino was talented when she won season 3 and I enjoyed seeing her win because of her personal story but did anyone see her performance last week on AI? Simon's face said it all. Thankfully season 3 also gave us Jennifer Hudson.

A few weeks ago I watched Bo Bice perform on AI and I had to ask myself why I liked this guy back in season 4…must’ve been slim pickins that year. I was never a Carrie Underwood fan but I often find myself singing along to “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive...” And I thought I hated country music.

Remember Taylor Hicks? Along with Simon, I’m still wondering how the hell he won season 5. It has often been argued that AI is a “popularity contest” and not a talent contest. If this was the case in season 5, then I want nothing to do with America.

Although not a winner, Chris Daughtry has experienced great success and I’m happy for him since he was my fave in season 5 however his music just doesn’t rock out as much as I had hoped. I’m saddened by the fact that he turned out to be just another crossover artist like Nickelback (don’t get me started on this band). I’m still wondering when he’s going to tell his wife that he’s leaving her.

Blake Lewis was a favorite of mine simply because the other choices were terrible last year in season 6. I liked that he was unique but I knew for sure that I would never buy one of his CDs. I’m actually shocked that Jordin Sparks has already had as many hit songs as she’s had (2, I think?). I'm sure she doesn't write her own songs but I know 1st graders capable of better lyrics than “tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air.”

With the exception of the Michael Johns shocker, this season has been predictable but I still get my kicks out of it. I’m intrigued by the rumors that the show could be completely revamped for next season. While I agree that the show is in need of some revitalizing (allowing the contestants to play instruments this year just wasn’t enough), I don’t think firing people is the way to go. Yes, Paula is a dimwit and a train wreck at times but she does serve a purpose. I think all of the judges serve a purpose and I don’t mind the banter between them either. My favorite is when Randy boos Simon (I love giving someone a good, loud, lengthy “boooooo” every once in awhile). Ryan, who we rely on to be nonpartisan, seemed meaner than usual this year but I don’t think booting him is the answer either. Seriously, who else can let us know that “THIS is Ammmmerican Idol” with such conviction?

So what kind of changes are necessary?

1. Well, for starters, there’s no need for a one-hour results show; 30 minutes would be sufficient. Thank you, Comcast, for creating the DVR!

2. I’m not sure who (if anyone) is banging down the door to be a “mentor” on the show but this year’s choices were pretty sad. And was a facelift a prerequisite for mentoring?

3. Something NEEDS to be done to prevent the show from being the popularity contest that it is…I believe limiting the votes per household is not off the table.

4. I’ve heard that the producers are considering giving the auditions a lot less air time…another thank you! Auditions were absolutely cringe-worthy this year. It appeared that many people showed up for the auditions on a mission: to get their 15 minutes of fame for being the worst singer, wearing the ugliest clothes, swearing at Simon or simply wanting to stand out as the weirdest and most obnoxious. Unfortunately for us, FOX ate it up and gave these idiots exactly what they were looking for.

As for this year, we should be watching a finale that includes David Cook and Michael Johns but it was evident from David Archuleta's first performance in front of a live audience that he would be here until the end. Apparently those crying, screaming 10-year-olds we see in the audience also have faster fingers and stay up later than me and my counterparts. Yes, the boy has a great voice but he has not at all evolved in the 3 months we’ve been watching him; he has zero stage presence and can’t answer simple interview questions. And it makes me angry that so few people agree with me on this (I wish you could all hear my impression of him and his dum-dee-dum personality). Most moms and grandmothers think he’s “cute.” I prefer “goofy” and “awkward.” Maybe people are just voting for him because they know if he doesn’t win his father might bludgeon him to death or suffocate him with one of those ridiculous, I’m-trying-way-too-hard-to-be-cool-and-live-vicariously-through-my-son scali caps. I guess it could be worse; we could've had another Sanjaya or Taylor Hicks in the group.

David Cook is far and away my favorite Idol contestant ever. Yes, some of his appendages seem oddly proportioned and he clearly styles his hair to cover up his impending baldness BUT he’s proved that he has range (must we be reminded that it IS a singing contest). The fact that he has the “look,” has great stage presence, can play a variety of instruments and change the arrangement of a song for the better are all bonuses. I hate to admit this but some of his performances have actually given me the chills (download his version of Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby). I am, however, torn on whether or not I even want him to win. If he wins, his CD is destined to never make it into my collection. On the other hand, I REALLY don’t want to give David Archuleta’s dad the satisfaction of winning and then having to see the entire Archuleta family hit the media circuit for the next few weeks. I guess that means it’s a lose-lose situation for me. All I can do now is the same thing I’ve been doing week after week for the past 3 months: vote until I fall asleep and hope for the best. America, you have roughly 48 hours until I regain my faith in you or lose it entirely.

Other reality shows I admit to watching:
The Bachelor
The Biggest Loser
Amazing Race
Supernanny
The Real World
Dr. 90210
The Next Food Network Star
Extreme Makeover
Temptation Island (no longer on the air but one of the most entertaining by far!)

Reality shows I’ve caught my husband watching and often sit down to join him:
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Rock of Love
Intervention
The Deadliest Catch
American Chopper
Miami Ink
Dirty Jobs

Is this sign for you?

Really important things to discuss today...

I don't know about you guys but I have been a HUGE fan of the term "cougar" since its arrival on the slang scene. So much so that my sibs and I have even shortened the word to "coug." However, I've recently found myself involved in a few debates over the actual definition (clearly these arguments take place after a few drinks). So, I visited my trusty website http://www.urbandictionary.com/ and it seems they are dealing with the same problem. They have 55 different entries!

Apparently it's much easier to SPOT a cougar than it is define one.

Here are the characteristics of a cougar by my definition...

1. Gender

Cougars always describe a woman in my book, never a man.

2. Age

I think, originally, I was arguing that a cougar is 40+ but I've now lowered the age to 35+. You never know though...when I turn 35, I may have to raise it to 40 again.

3. Attractiveness

A cougar can be ugly or very good-looking.

4. Appearance

Often, but not necessarily, cougars use hairspray, have long manicured nails, go tanning, wear a lot of gaudy jewelry, dress too young for their age and carry a fake designer handbag.

5. Location

Cougars are not limited to bars & clubs. I've spotted them in Starbucks and CVS.

6. Sexual interest

Cougars are usually on the prowl for younger men but there is no minimum or maximum age for their prey.

7. Marital status

They can be married, never married or divorced.

Hmmm...I thought it would be a lot harder to put it into words but I'm pretty happy with that definition. Maybe I'll add a 56th entry!

You don't impress me.

Those of you that know me well know that I talk a LOT about exercising. My day typically revolves around my workout and I know it’s insane but that doesn’t stop me.

I happen to be someone who needs to exercise. If I don’t, I get cranky. For me, running has proved to be the best form of exercise. Why? Because it is the one exercise that makes me feel like I am working out my entire body, burning calories and losing weight (notice I did not say that it is my favorite form of exercise). The issue for me is that running is painfully boring and, frankly, I hate every second of it. When I’m running, I'm only thinking about one thing: what I’m going to do when I’m done. So, for that reason, I’ve grown to enjoy the occasional 5k race to spice up my workout a bit. Beers and snacks at the finish line can make running very worthwhile.

If you are a runner, you know that a 5k is a joke so this is by no means a fete to brag about with your friends. The reason that I might talk about completing these 5k races is NOT so that people know I ran a race or even to better my time, it’s because I usually want to fill you in on the shenanigans that typically occur after the race.

I know a few people who have completed a marathon or two during their lives and, while many people are often impressed by this, I think that it’s insane.

For years I’ve been saying that I will never run a marathon, not because I can’t but simply because I don’t want to.

Have you ever noticed that when someone runs a marathon, everyone seems to know about it? My husband, my brother and I recently had a conversation about this while we were at the Boston Marathon (truth be told, we were inside Eastern Standard drinking a couple UFOs and watching the marathon on TV). We agreed that we are MUCH more impressed by the people who have completed a marathon or two and never mentioned it until you both knew each other for several years.

So, as we were standing 100 yards away from the finish line yet watching the marathon on TV at the Eastern Standard, my brother and I went on and on about things that don’t impress us.

Here are just a few things that I don’t ever plan to do and, frankly, don’t impress me.

1. Run a marathon.
I understand that many people participate in marathons to raise money for great causes and that’s wonderful, but this just looks like hours of misery to me. I mean Uta Pippig continued a marathon (and won) after pooping her pants! People who willingly put themselves through misery do not impress me.

2. Skydive.
I’ve heard that some people skydive because they want to feel “free”. Free from what, exactly? I am not impressed by people who risk their lives to jump 13,000 feet out of a 4,000 lb. piece of metal. I’m feeling perfectly free here with both feet on the ground.

3. Participate in a triathlon.
The funny thing with this one is that I might actually consider doing a triathlon if it weren’t for the swimming component (wait, I guess that means I’d participate in a duathlon, not a triathlon).
How sad is this: I grew up with an in-ground pool in my backyard and I do not know how to swim. In my defense, I certainly could swim if I had to save my life but, technically speaking, I do not know how to properly swim. I blame this on one person: my older brother. When we were young, he did this ridiculous “Jaws” impression with his head under water and his hands just above the water in the shape of a dorsal fin. He even hummed the theme song while he was underwater. He would then swim after me and proceed to tug at my leg and pull me all the way under when I hadn’t yet learned how to go under water without holding my nose. I digress.

Many of you already know that my husband, Matt, has participated in a few triathlons. I have been a spectator at one of these events and, just as I enjoy my little 5k races, these people enjoy their triathlons. A triathlon doesn’t seem nearly as grueling as a marathon so if I’m not impressed with a marathon then I’m not impressed with a triathlon.

This got me thinking…why aren’t marathon runners called marathletes if triathlon participants are considered triathletes? I guess they are just runners? And who decided the word “biathlon” would be specific to cross-country skiing and target shooting? Again, I digress.

4. Visit all 50 states (or drive across the country).
This reminds of those Winnebagos with the magnets on the side indicating which states the Winnebago has traveled to. So, in other words, this reminds me of WT. I can think of several states that I have no interest in visiting and that includes most, if not all, of the central states. I can’t imagine being in a state that does not have access to the ocean. And the fact that you have been there doesn’t impress me. Seriously, what do I need to see or do in Iowa? Catherine, a friend of mine from college, recently confirmed: nothing.

5. Become a Vegetarian/Vegan
First of all, I know some vegetarians and vegans and I respect your decision but what can I say? I love a good burger. In fact, I often crave burgers! And I don’t feel bad about it.

6. Earn a PhD.
Obviously this degree is necessary for certain careers but, thankfully, it is not necessary for mine. In a profession such as teaching, a doctorate helps you move up in the pay scale but is it truly worth paying all those student loans to, in the end, still be earning a “teacher’s salary”? I guess it would depend on the school system you work in. My issue is with the people who obtain a PhD just so they can be called “doctor” or so they can talk about being in a doctorate program. Let me just say that I’m onto you people.

7. Get a tattoo.
Now, some of my close friends have tattoos so I just want to say that it’s not that I don’t like tattoos, it’s just that I would never get one myself. I admit that I have watched Miami Ink and I do appreciate the art of a tattoo however I am not impressed when people tell me that they have a tattoo…unless you are David Beckham. He is the only person, in my opinion, that can pull off full sleeves.

8. Backpack through anywhere.
Everywhere I went during my senior year of college I heard a lot of talk about “backpacking through Europe” and “staying in hostels” after graduation. Um, hello? We just dedicated 4 years of our lives (not to mention a ton of money) to earning a piece of paper that is supposed to allow us to obtain respectable jobs with respectable salaries. And, in 6 months, we (or at least I) will begin making payments toward that piece of paper. Here’s an idea about what you can do after graduation: look for a job.

Now, 8 years later, this idea is coming back to haunt me. Suddenly people are obsessed with spirituality and apparently, in order to become spiritual, it is necessary that you quit your job, backpack through some country in Africa or Asia and hand deliver a pile of donated books to a small village filled with people who may or may not know how to read.

9. Get a celebrity’s autograph.
I will admit that this is something that I actually have done in the past with various Red Sox players, Bruins players and Rosie O’Donnell. But I was a kid!

Can someone tell me why this trend still exists and why a celebrity autograph can be worth so much money? Is it simply to hang it on your wall to impress people? Well, all I have to say to you people is please don’t bore me with your autographs because I am not impressed. You can buy autographs on eBay these days so an autograph doesn’t even prove that you ever met the person and, if you did indeed meet the person, then just effing tell me you did. When you tell me, I might think it’s cool (depending on who it is) but I can assure you that I won’t be impressed.

Thank you, Amber!

So I started this blog over 2 months ago and have yet to send anyone the link. I am extremely self-conscious, I guess. I've started several blogs, saving them as Microsoft Word documents but, for some reason, I can't pull the trigger and post them.

My friends, Amber & Matt, recently had twins and Amber started a blog to keep family & friends involved in the everyday trials & tribulations of parenting twins. I want to say thank you to Amber because she has given me the courage to return to my blog. I've posted the link to the "Team Gillis" blog if you'd like to check it out.