Saturday, September 27, 2008

Do You Ever Wonder...

what your life would be like if you attended a different college?

I have a lot of pride in my alma mater and wouldn’t trade my four years at UMass for four years anywhere else, especially knowing now how everything turned out. However, on occasion, Matt and I like to discuss our “do-over colleges” - I often fantasize about NYU while he fantasizes about Maryland or USC.

Now, clearly there are cons to this fantasy, but that’s exactly why it’s a fantasy and not a reality. For instance, I highly doubt that I would’ve been accepted to NYU, I’d definitely have a lot more student loans (I can barely afford the loans I have now) and I’d probably have a lot more credit card debt because something tells me that I would've easily justified several outrageous fashion purchases all in the name of “fitting in” in NYC.

As they say, the grass is always greener…

Well, it wasn’t New York, Maryland or South Carolina, but last weekend, Matt and I decided to have our own little two-person reunion in Amherst. I skillfully scheduled a conference at UMass on Monday so that Matt and I could drive out there on Sunday, spend the day in Amherst and stay overnight at the University Lodge (very upscale).

The last time we were in Amherst was five years ago when we watched my younger brother graduate, but it’s actually been eight years since we last called Amherst our home. And while many changes have taken place over the past eight years, two things remain true: Amherst is a GREAT college town and UMass is a GREAT school.

The following is a list of some of our thoughts, discussions and realizations during and after our visit.

1. Eight years later we still get that indescribable feeling in our stomachs when we hit the UMass campus (sometimes we even get it when we hit the Amherst town line). I don’t know what it is. I used to think that it was just the excitement of being there, on our own and having the time of our lives with very little responsibilities, but why is that feeling still present eight years later? If I had attended a college in Boston, I don’t think I’d ever experience this sensation; Boston is a place I have visited quite often throughout my life and, therefore, I can associate it with lots of other things. Amherst, on the other hand, for me, is only associated with UMass and four of the best years of my life.

2. College kids look SO young. Or maybe we just look old. I’ll go with my first thought because Matt was very quick to say that he thought we fit right in and didn’t look out of place. And we DID get carded at the bar (the bartender even looked at the back of the license).

3. The fashion, overall, was highly disappointing. No matter what age you are, you always feel like you are “in the loop” when it comes to fashion. When I was in high school, I thought older people knew nothing about fashion. Then, when I was in college, I realized that high school kids weren’t really in the loop because they took much too long to catch onto the fashion trends. Now that I’m in my thirties, (and having somewhat of an identity crisis when it comes to fashion, but that’s a whole separate post) I realize that I am WAY more knowledgeable about fashion than I ever have been before. Maybe I can’t afford a lot of the stuff I would like to wear and my body doesn’t showcase the clothes as well it used to, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be knowledgable about today's fashion and still have one foot in the loop (let's face it, if you don't have a lot of money and you don't live in NY or LA, it's tough to be 100% in the loop).

Anyway, I guess we were expecting to see a lot more hipsters on campus. I think the only hipsters we did see were life-long Amherst residents who were well past college age. At this point we concluded that being a hipster is a lifestyle, not a trend. I tend to associate hipsters with a mid- to late-twenties/early thirties kind of crowd, but, after thinking about it, it’s hard to become a hipster. Hipsters are hipsters for life. I very much admire hipsters, but I could never become one no matter how hard I try. Yes, I can steal some of their fashion ideas, but I have a really hard time donning fashion that doesn’t coordinate (I have a similar problem with symmetry) and it’s tough to fight that. On another trendy note, as I walked through campus I saw only one girl wearing leggings and knee-high boots – she definitely stood out (probably in a sorority).

I digress.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that college students, for the most part, are slobs. Now, some people will argue that college is NOT a fashion show and that it’s actually a relief to be able to wear sweats/pajamas to class, however, you can still dress down and look good on a college budget. I always say that you can tell a lot about a person just by his/her jeans…well…let’s just say these kids are in need of a Stacy & Clinton intervention. Honestly, from what I saw, it doesn’t take a lot to stand out by looking good. Find yourself a nice pair of jeans and you’ll probably score a date that same night. And don’t give me that crap about college students being more focused on their studies than the latest fashion trends. We all know what college is REALLY about.

4. It was nice to see some new additions…

  • Several new buildings are now putting the old ones to shame. No, the campus isn't made up of ivy-covered historical buildings, but, if you just pause for a moment and take it all in, you will realize that UMass REALLY is a beautiful campus. I don’t know how to explain it except that it just FEELS exactly the way college SHOULD feel.

5. And sad to see some missing pieces…

  • Barcies, which was basically a hallway transformed into a bar and known for accepting any and all IDs, has been replaced by a typewriter/computer store. Yes, that’s right, a store that sells typewriters. Amherst is definitely a hippie town, but I was unaware that typewriters were in such high demand there. I’m pretty sure the only people in the store were members of the class of 2012 who stopped by to gawk at these ancient machines they had only heard about in legends and fairytales.

  • D.P. Dough, a calzone place that may have actually coined the term “freshmen 15,” has now become Mr. Chicken.

  • “Frat Row” basically doesn’t exist anymore. The houses are literally GONE and have been replaced only by grass. I guess this is a good thing?

  • Delano’s, my college bar of choice, was closed for renovations. Really, it’s about time. They were well overdue for renovations back in 2000.

  • The Copper Mine is the new name for what used to be an after hours club that was BYOB, if you can imagine that. The old name escapes us…maybe because WE are old.

6. We completely regret not taking advantage of all the school had to offer, mainly athletic events. I went to several basketball games throughout my four years, but, other than that, I only went to one football game and one field hockey game. I also never participated in intramurals...stupid.

7. The street that we lived on during our junior and senior years is DISGUSTING. I would be horrified if I was a parent driving down this street for the first time. The house that I lived in is probably in the best condition of any house on the street, but that isn’t saying much at all. On the other hand, it is still the best location; it’s as close as you can get to campus without actually being on campus.

8. Apparently students aren’t into “Sunday drinking” as much as we 30-year-olds are. We had no problem finding seats at a college bar to watch the Patriots lose last Sunday.

For those of you who didn’t visit or attend UMass, you might not “get it” BUT hopefully you can relate, in some way, with your own experiences. And if you haven’t visited your alma mater recently, I highly recommend it.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Just when you thought you had everything...

I came across this fabulous find while perusing the Urban Outfitters blog...

"High Tide Heels"

I think the only way the designer MIGHT get someone to purchase these is if they come with a "swim like Michael Phelps" guarantee.

On the other hand, I would buy them with just a "learn to swim" guarantee...

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hold 'em high, my friends!


I really hadn’t planned on referencing Seinfeld twice in one week, but I just couldn’t help myself.

From a Seinfeld standup routine:

“On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little pooper scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

Little Jerry Seinfeld is the first dog that I have ever owned. He was a grad school graduation gift from Matt and his arrival meant that I would "have to" move to the big city with Matt (coincidence? I don't think so).

For Matt and me, using poop bags was never an option - it was automatic. As far as we were concerned, the rule was this: you live in the city, you pick up after dog. Simple, right? Well, apparently this rule doesn’t apply to EVERYONE in EVERY city. Case in point: One time, about 1-2 years ago, I was walking Little Jerry in Lowell and I was stopped by a man who said to me, “You must not be from around here.” And I replied, “What do you mean?” He said, “You pick up after your dog!?!” With much conviction I responded, “It’s what ALL responsible dog owners SHOULD do.”

But, just like anything else, it’s actually NOT what all owners do. Just like every parent raises his/her children differently, every dog owner raises his/her dog differently.

On a typical walk with Little Jerry, I often witness dog owners stand by while their dogs poop, only to leave it behind for the next idiot (most likely me) to step in it. By experiencing so many close-calls, I’ve learned pretty quickly not to wear my Tory Burch flats or my Frye boots while walking Jerry.

But ruining designer shoes is not my only concern. Dogs naturally sniff out other dogs’ poop, thus exposing them to parasitic worms that can be transmitted to humans. Animal waste can also contribute to storm water pollution. It contains disease-carrying bacteria and toxins that can increase the risk of viral infections, flu, and skin rashes for ocean/lake swimmers near storm drain outlets. This creeps me out on a personal level because, believe it or not, Matt has actually gone swimming the Merrimack River!

My frustration around irresponsible pet owners has grown steadily over the past few years. So, I’ve decided that it’s time to take action. Yes, that’s right, my goal is to single-handedly change the ways of our urban, dog-owning society.

Not too long ago I was embarrassed to be seen picking up after Little Jerry (don't worry, though, I still did it). Well, not anymore. Now, when I have a full bag of poop, I hold it high for all the world to see. That’s right, I’m showing people that there is no shame in picking up after your dog. I am telling them that I am proud of this ripe bag of poop and I will gladly show it off like a Heisman trophy.

So please join me in this silent campaign and hold your poop bags high! We are capable of change! It is your civic duty (no pun intended)!

Next issue: Tackling dog-owners who ignorantly believe that their dogs are trained well enough to walk without a leash and then act completely shocked when their dogs run across traffic to meet Little Jerry and force my walk to come to a premature end while I wait for said owners to cross the street to retrieve their untrained dogs.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Really, Is This The Best You Can Do?


I believe Jerry Seinfeld said it perfectly:

“This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far. The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. This man is out of ideas.”

I guess I was wrong when I thought that turning 30 years old meant that you were no longer eligible for the car-horn-honk. Just when I thought I had grown out of the phase of being honked at, it happened. In fact, it happened twice in one week.

The first "incident" occurred while I was running in Lowell and the second incident occurred when I was getting out of my car at a gas station in Billerica. At first I thought it was a mistake. Maybe the guy accidentally leaned on his horn. Or maybe someone cut him off. Or maybe there was a smokin’ hot chick running behind me in a bikini. However, in both cases, the honk was paired with a creepy look directed at me. One guy even waved. I’m getting skeeved again just thinking about it.

In all honesty, the Lowell incident doesn't concern me as much as the Billerica incident. Lowell is a college town, so I half expect honks to happen here with all the college students. Guys and girls, alike, will pretty much do anything to get some action in college. Especially when they are either A.) drunk or B.) bored. Let’s face it, there’s a lot of down time in college.

So, that leads me to the second incident in Billerica. Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking, “How many times does this girl reference AND visit a town that she despises so much?” The problem is that unless I want a 60-minute commute to and from work each day, I am forced to drive through Billerica.

During a typical commute through Billerica, I drive behind, in front of and past several blue-collar business trucks. One day last week, a man driving one of the aforementioned trucks honked at me. I turned towards the man driving the truck and gave him the most obvious look of disgust that I could come up with. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was good enough because he waved anyway.

At first, I felt embarrassed. Then I became angry.

Now, at THIS point you’re probably thinking, “Ugly Betty could get honked at in Lowell and Billerica!” But this post is not about me falling victim to the car-horn-honk (yes, I refer to myself as a “victim” because, unlike some other women, I cannot find it in me to feel flattered by this act). No, it’s about the honk in general.

The naïve part of me wants to believe that drivers who honk at runners are doing so to encourage the runner. That is all I can surmise. Otherwise, I am completely baffled by the car-horn-honk. As Jerry said, is this really the best that men can do?

Really, what do men intend to achieve from the car-horn-honk? Are they experiencing a sudden regression to their teenage years all in the name of fun? Do they secretly hope that the woman will drop everything in her hands and run after the truck and say, “Oh baby I want you so bad, let’s run off and get crazy together?" I bet most of them wouldn’t even know what to do if that really happened.

Or maybe the men just want the girl to giggle and wave back? Then again, maybe any positive response would do? And what if they do get the response they are looking for? Will they turn around? And if they do turn around, what will they do then?

I know exactly what they will do. They will see my face, they will realize that I’m a weathered 30-year-old and they will wish they had honked at the skinny 19-year-old girl who just pulled up to the pump next to me.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

More Obsessions with Words...

The other day I found myself window shopping for shoes online (does that even make sense?) and happened to come across a brand of shoes called Two Lips. I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Something about that name just completely grossed me out.

Once again, I got to thinking. Over the course of my life, I’ve outright cringed upon hearing certain words. In fact, sometimes I’m so distracted by a cringe-worthy word that I end up missing everything else the speaker says.

So, I decided to make a list of words (and some phrases) that literally stop me in my tracks. I made a point of leaving out the obvious racist remarks.

The following is a list of words that, in my opinion, could and should be removed from the English language entirely. I really don’t think anyone would miss them. Do you?

moist
panties
penalize (when pronounced with a long e sound)
cochlear
slacks
pissa
cool beans (believe it or not I’ve actually heard this phrase in the past 12 months)
eye-candy
WELL! (when uttered by Jane Coughlin)
fiancé
grow your business
dungarees
gnarly
tanorexic
be careful (like I'm going to follow YOUR advice)
anal
bunion
pocketbook
clusterfuck
chinos (they're called khakis)
snatch
up-and-coming (keep telling yourself that)
nice figure
gubernatorial
spiritual
Manch-vegas
po po (as in police)
pus
family-friendly
negligee
poncho
lol (I prefer "ha ha")
fugly
ginormous
rad
non-alcoholic
Brangelina (or any word combining the first names of a celebrity couple)
crotch
persnickety
mount
broad (when describing a woman)
closure
sketchy

Of course I had to balance this all out by thinking of words and phrases I LOVE for no other reason except that they’re either A.) hilarious (which happens to be a word I love) or B.) overused by none other than ME.

rubbish
duty
curmudgeon
awesome
sweet
cheesy
bookin it
chucker
guacamole
naïve
traverse
douchebag
psyched
lose my mind
pissed
snacks
nap
tchotke
brings nothing to the table
segue
wasted
dude
chick
Google
redundant
sucks
shady
insane
helmet
taco
worthless
poop
crackin up
sickening
idiot
smarmy
binkie
squalor
glorious
knock it off
moron
suspect
boobs
cumbersome
obvious
debunk
tomfoolery
bulbous (George Costanza’s head)
cougar
deliciousness
hipster
beaver
nonsense
macerate (what you do to the fruit when you make sangria)
cankle
rapscallion
kebab (best when said by Jamie Oliver)
ridiculous
hilarious
tagging
adjusts (I think it’s the s-t-s combo that makes me giggle – try saying it aloud)

Something tells me these 2 lists are just going to get longer over time…