Bringing Christmas Back

It took my husband until yesterday, December 16th, to "feel the holiday spirit." I've been calling him Scrooge for the past week, but I must admit that I haven't really been feeling the spirit either. More like forcing it. For some reason it's just not coming naturally this year and I have a few theories as to why...

Poor Timing?

This year, Christmas comes just 4 weeks after Thanksgiving which means that we only have 3 weeks and 2 days of school between Thanksgiving and Christmas vacation. I remember one day last year I was looking ahead to this year's vacation (only those who work in education are privy to this routine) to see how many days we would get off this year (12 including weekends) and I was ecstatic to find out that there would be only 17 work days in between the 2 holidays. But now I'm not so thrilled because Christmas is coming too quickly, in my opinion. (Although, vacation isn't coming quickly enough.) I'm having a hard time believing that Christmas is only 1 week away and I think it's because I don't feel like there's been enough time to enjoy the holiday season.

Is the Economy to Blame?

It seems that everyone I talk to (including myself) is trying to be fiscally responsible by cutting back on gifts this year. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but all of my Christmas memories involve giving and receiving gifts. I hate having to cut back. Cutting back sucks. Even if it does mean fewer credit card bills for me next month. That's why I reneged on the pact Matt and I made to NOT purchase gifts for each other this year. The sad part is that we didn't even get a Christmas tree this year "to save $50." We also decided NOT to host Christmas Eve this year for the first time in 4 years because "our place is too small and it's not cheap hosting Christmas Eve." So, as a result of our cut backs, our home really isn't feeling all that Christmas-y this year.

Are We to Blame?

A lot of people have made us feel bad and given us shit for not getting a tree. And I almost fell for it. I began to think that maybe a tree would "help cheer us up and get us in the holiday spirit." So why did we decide not to get a tree this year? Because they cost $50, they're a pain in the ass to stand up and take down, we'd really only be able to enjoy it for a week or two since Christmas is coming so quickly this year and we're not hosting Christmas Eve so no one would even see it. This is how I justified not getting a tree. Needless to say, I have my regrets. And I know what you're probably thinking, but in my opinion, it's definitely too late to get one now. This will be first and last year that we go without a tree.

So, I am now at a loss as to how to bring the Christmas cheer back to our house. Is it too late? Should I just forget this year and look ahead to next year (when we will have 1 LESS vacation day and 1 MORE work day in between T-Day and Christmas)? Am I finally too old for Christmas after 30 years? When I think about it, the Coughlin/Walsh/Leary Christmases are just a bunch of adults sitting around opening presents (most likely gift certificates), essentially just trading money back and forth. Matt often wonders what will be left to buy each other when we're all 70.

Maybe I'm onto something here. Maybe all we need to do is bring some children into the mix to liven up our holiday spirit. Why didn't I think of this 9 months ago? Christmas seems a lot more fun when children, toys and Santa Claus are involved. Does anyone know where we can rent some children for a day? Saving Christmas is a good reason to have a kid, right?

LWD (Laughing While Driving)

I feel like I bring cars up a lot on this blog, but have you ever just looked at a car and burst out laughing?

I do. But for different reasons, of course.

Here’s my list of the top 8 funniest cars…

1. El Camino
I have to admit that I haven’t seen one of these on the road in awhile but on the rare occasion that I DO see one I just have to laugh. You can’t help but ask: Is it a car? Is it a pickup? A picarup?

2. Hummer
A few months ago when gas was $4 per gallon and owners probably had to take their Hummers off the road, I may have been laughing a bit harder at the sight of one of these. Now, that gas prices are down, Hummer owners are busting out their monstrosities once again and I am STILL laughing at the idiots who drive them. Let’s face it, Hummer dealerships can’t be doing well. I’m sure the only Hummers we see on the road are the ones that were purchased back in 2004-05 when they were all the rage and people thought that owning a Hummer meant they were rich, powerful and important. Meanwhile, the United States decided to turn “green” overnight and just like that the Hummer’s 15 minutes of fame were up. I don’t know how people don’t feel like Hester Prynne driving around in these things.

-------------------->

3. Muscle Cars
Laughing at the classic muscle car needs no explanation, but I find the contemporary muscle cars to be even more hilarious. Seriously, have you ever looked at a guy driving a Ford Mustang or a Camaro? And what about the girls that drive these cars? Who are they? And can someone tell me WHY on earth the Ford Mustang is still the “dream car” for high school students? For once I’d like to hear a teenager tell his parents that he’d like a Kia when he gets his license.

4. K-Car
Remember when you were young and your parents would buy a new car and everyone would run out to the driveway to check it out as soon as it pulled up? Well, my first memory of getting a new family car is the dark gray Dodge Aries (AKA: K-Car) that my dad purchased back in the 80’s. The funniest thing about this family car is that our whole family couldn’t even fit in it. Still, we were in awe of this little K-Car as it sat in our crooked driveway in all its boxed-out glory. We couldn’t wait to use the cassette player, manually roll down the windows and sit 3 across in the front and back. I vividly remember traveling in the K-Car with my dad all the way out to North Adams State College (now MCLA) to pick up my sister on a few occasions. On one particular trip I got sick from eating too many circus peanuts. I hate circus peanuts.

5. Volkswagen Bus
Tell me you don’t know someone who STILL points at these vans and says “The Libyans!” Well, you do now. I am that person.

6. Cars with wood paneling.
Like me, I’m sure the first thing you think of is the Griswold’s Wagon Queen Family Truckster. I had no idea that was the name of it until I Googled it! I’d like to know who actually thought that wood paneling would ADD to a car’s exterior. Probably the same guy who installed wood paneling on the walls in my childhood home…aaah…the 70’s. Yes, it’s a rarity now, but believe it or not, some car companies have actually resurrected the wood paneling.

Like the PT Cruiser...

And for a mere $600 you can purchase a wood panel graphics kit for your Jeep Commander...

Oh, Chrysler...and you wonder why you need a bail out...

7. Minivans
When I was young, several of my friends' parents owned minivans, except we called them all "Caravans" then. I was SO jealous. I couldn't get over the fact that we could each have our own seat in the back! All these families of 4 were getting minivans, but our family of 6 apparently HAD to have the K-Car. The best part is that one of my friend's actually had a Caravan with wood-paneling. A double whammy...

Although practical, I have a strict no-minivan policy. If/when I have children, I would much rather have a station wagon.

But if you think that's bad, here's another double-whammy...

8. Convertibles with the top down in non-convertible weather.

Don't get me wrong, I used to own a Jeep Wrangler and there were times when I would be driving home at night with the top down and the heat on, but have you ever put the top up or down on a Wrangler? It's a P in the A. Call me lazy if you will. Convertible CARS are different. It's not that difficult to put the top up. Yes, we see you with the top down, which we know is exactly what you want, but we're laughing at you from inside our heated cars. We know you're cold. You have nothing to prove to us. It's a bit premature. Why don't you just surrender and put the top up already? Unless...New England has some sort of secret race every year for convertibles. Maybe the first person seen with his or her top down wins a prize?

No Offense, We Just Aren't Interested.

For the past 5 or 6 years I have been receiving an abundance of invitations to fake purse parties, jewelry parties, houseware parties, Tupperware parties and beauty product parties. I can see how a lot of women might like these parties because they combine 2 things that EVERY woman loves: parties and shopping. And I can see how women might also love them because they are trendy, they apparently act as an excuse to have a girls' night out (or “GNO” as it’s sometimes referred to) and they offer product discounts to the women who host them.

I have to admit that I’ve had a lot of fun at the few parties I’ve attended, but that’s because I got to spend time chatting, laughing, eating and drinking with friends and family. The presentation of the products by the consultant and the passing around of the catalog was the dullest part of the party. The products were not a fun factor. They were a party foul. The things that made this party fun were things that could’ve been done at a regular party, at a restaurant, at a bar or even on a random Tuesday night in my basement.

The last thing I want to do is offend anyone. Really. I’m just wondering what the appeal is with these parties. I’ve talked to a lot of women and, honestly, very few have told me that they genuinely enjoy them. Frankly, I am overjoyed to find out that I am NOT alone after all. That’s right, just like me, women all over the world are running out of excuses for these things.

A party, by definition, is supposed to be fun, right? So you must wonder why I’m complaining about going to a party. Well, the way I see it, having a product party (or whatever the umbrella term may be) is kind of like adding nuts to brownies or chocolate chip cookies – there’s NO NEED for it. Brownies, chocolate chip cookies and parties are all PERFECT just the way they are. Just like I don’t want to eat a brownie or chocolate chip cookie with nuts in it, I don’t want to go to a product party.

And here’s why…

The Pressure to Buy Something We Don’t Want or Need
When people attend one of these parties, they ALWAYS feel pressured to purchase something. How can you NOT feel pressured? During the presentation of the products, the consultant goes on and on about how much the hostess gets for “free.” And since women are so great at “feeling bad” and pretending to be nice, many of them, unfortunately, end up purchasing the cheapest item in the catalog: a $4.00 uni-tasker that is going to sit in their kitchen drawer and collect dust for the next 20 years. And I’m sorry, but adding a “No obligation to buy!” stamp to the invitation/evite doesn’t make this feeling go away. Trust me, we all feel guilty leaving the party empty handed. So WHY are we doing this to each other?

The Products are Overrated and Overpriced
Like many other women, I love buying new things for my home and my closet. At home, I’m constantly rearranging things and I love purchasing new clothes so that I can try out new looks. So I must love to shop, right? No, I don’t. Shopping is not a hobby for me. It’s a chore. When I go shopping I am usually on a mission and that’s why 95% of the time I choose to go shopping by myself. I have found that when I shop with other people, I sometimes get stuck going into stores that I’m not interested in or I feel pressured to limit my time in the fitting room. It’s one thing if I have the time to do some leisure shopping, but the mall is not really the place I want to be when I have free time. It’s generally a place I go when I’m on a mission. Since I don’t seem to enjoy the shopping experience, one might think that these “parties” present an ideal situation for me; I won’t have to wait in line or fight the crowds at the mall. But, like most people, I like what I like. And most of the products I’ve seen in these catalogs do not suit my style or my needs. On the rare occasion that I do find something I like, it’s usually something I can find elsewhere at a cheaper price and it’s definitely not something I “need.”

I Don’t Need an Excuse for a GNO
I have found that if you openly complain about attending an upcoming product party, one of two things will occur: women will either agree with you completely (usually in a whisper because they feel bad about admitting it) or they will ask you why you’re complaining about having “an excuse to get together with the girls.” Since when do we need excuses to get together? What we really need are excuses to avoid purchasing hideous overpriced jewelry and fake handbags that look FAKE. Seriously, if getting together means attending more of these parties, then, ladies, it won’t be long before we start AVOIDING getting together. Let’s not allow this to happen. Please.

Just to reiterate, I don’t mean to offend anyone who hosts or attends these parties. I’m sure a lot of women genuinely love them. I am merely expressing an opinion that seems to be a lot more common than we think. I can probably guarantee that once people read this post, I will never receive another invitation again (or maybe someone with a sense of humor will make sure that I’m on EVERY invitation list from here on out). But it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that I despise these parties. I hate Sex and the City, I prefer shopping by myself, I am SO over designer handbags, I love beer, I avoid holding babies, I prefer cheap costume jewelry that I don’t have to worry about losing, I hate talking on the phone, I don’t sip cosmopolitans, I love meat (especially burgers), I don’t wear lipstick, I avoid choosing pink, I’ve never had my eyebrows done (although I could probably use it), I don’t drink tea, I don’t care about ever owning a pair of Manolo Blahniks, I’m not a very good cook and I got my first and only pedicure on my wedding day. You can't judge a woman because she's a woman. I may not be a “girly girl,” but I do love spending time with my girlfriends. I guess my idea of a GNO is just a little different than most other girls.

So, I’m planning on hosting my own product party very soon and I hope you’ll join me. I am going to take YOU into J. Crew and Anthropologie and present their products and have you buy some stuff that you may or may not want so that I can get 10% off of MY purchase. Hope to see you there!

True Life: I Compete in Secret Races

Long time, no post.

In the past week I’ve had a few people ask me when my next post is coming. I’m not going to lie, this has made me feel pretty darn good. I, too, get excited to check for new posts on all of the blogs that I follow. The truth is, work has been really busy lately. Before you jump to conclusions, that doesn’t mean that I spend time blogging at work. It just means that when I get home from a busy day at work, I’d rather just sit on the couch and watch bad TV.

Believe me, I’ve had plenty of time to blog. I’m not one to use the “I’ve been busy” excuse. In fact, if I ever do use that as an excuse then you just caught me in a lie. You see, part of the problem is that Matt and I still have a desktop computer at home. It’s also on our 3rd floor where there’s no TV. And, unfortunately, our computer desk is accompanied by a hard, uninviting, wheel-less desk chair that forces me to sit so unnaturally erect that it’s been causing me lower back pain. I think it might be time to invest in a laptop, or a “labtop” as I’ve recently heard people refer to them. Yeah…I’m not really sure what that’s all about.

So, as you may or may not have noticed, I have yet to comment on the presidential race and election in any of my posts. Like Oprah with her show, I made the decision NOT to use my blog as a platform for any of the candidates. Ha! Just kidding. I’m not REALLY comparing myself to Oprah. The real reason why I haven’t commented on the election is because my political knowledge is minimal and therefore I lack confidence when speaking about anything political. I’m trying to work on this, but I’m not progressing very well.

That said, words cannot express how elated I am to see Barack Obama become our 44th President. I have shed many tears watching post-election coverage and it’s been absolutely exhilarating to witness the joy and excitement on different faces all across our country as they “watch history.”

But now that the Presidential race is over, I would like to discuss a different type of race and that is the SECRET RACE.

In an earlier post I implied that I have a lot of confessions to make, so here I am revealing another one. I’ve been told, on more than one occasion, that I am extremely competitive. And I'm sure you will agree after I explain what a secret race is. Or maybe you, too, will admit to participating in your own secret races.

I’m not too sure where my competitiveness comes from. Aries are known for their enthusiasm, stubbornness, impatience and straightforwardness, but not for their competitive nature. It’s possible that it could stem from my childhood. Maybe being the third of four children, I subconsciously competed for parental attention? Or maybe (definitely) I’m insecure about the possibility of being inferior to others. After all, I DO care way too much about what other people think of me.

However I acquired this trait, it seems to be manifesting itself on a daily basis in various ways. A secret race is something that I engage in almost every day. I have secret races on the treadmill, in the car, in the office, in the grocery store, on the computer, at the ATM and even on the couch. I race men, women, strangers, acquaintances, Matt, siblings, friends, enemies, idiots, infants, the elderly, the disabled. You name it and I’ll find a way to beat it.

So what exactly is a secret race?

Well, you know how dreadfully boring it is to run on a treadmill at the gym? I have found that the BEST way to spice up a treadmill workout is to initiate a secret race. All you have to do is wait for someone to hop on the treadmill next to you (ironically this is guaranteed to happen, even when ALL of the treadmills are free) and the race has begun. You see, I have this rule that anytime someone gets on the treadmill next to me and starts running, I cannot allow myself to stop running until AFTER he/she has stopped. This is how I guarantee my win. More often than not I don’t even look over at the other treadmill so when the “race” begins I usually don’t even know whether my competitor is male, female, old or young. I also have no idea what my competitor’s MPH is set at. And my competitor has no idea that he/she has just entered a secret race and that he/she is about to lose. Big time.

My secret races began on the treadmill, but some of the best secret races involve cars. For instance, if Matt and I have dinner at his parent’s house, we typically go straight there after work so we both have our own cars with us. When we part ways to drive home separately there is ALWAYS a secret race to get home. If he wasn’t aware of this before, he is now.

Also, when I’m stopped at a red light next to a car going in the same direction, sometimes I wait for the light to turn green and then I race to get ahead of him/her before the road narrows. But if I’m at a red light and I suspect that the person in the car next to me is initiating his/her own secret race WITH ME then I usually opt out of the race. That way, the other car tears off when the light turns green and the driver looks in the rearview mirror to see that I’m not participating and feels like an idiot for initiating this stupid secret race.

Driving on the highway also makes for some quality secret races. I especially like to pick out certain Masshole drivers who weave in and out of cars and switch lanes multiple times just to get 30 seconds ahead of where they were and then I make every effort possible to prevent them from doing this.

Sometimes when I’m walking or running near my home, I will race the cars that are stuck in traffic. I’ll be honest, this is a tough race to win, but it’s been done.

You can have all kinds of secret races, really.

At the ATM, I race the person using the machine next to me. Processing…processing…

At the grocery store, I race people to the checkout line and if it’s self-checkout then I race the people using the self-checkout next to me.

At work, I race my colleagues out the door so that I’m not responsible for locking up.

On the computer, I race others to be the first person with a witty response to a group email.

In the bathroom, I race people to the “good” stall.

At weddings, I race people to the bar.

At home, I race Matt to the couch so that I have the remote control and the “good” blanket, I race him to get on the computer, I race him to the shower after we workout and I race him to the 2nd floor bathroom when we come home (because it’s much too difficult to go up to the 3rd floor).

For some reason, I cannot control this competitiveness. My life has turned into one giant race. And apparently the only way that I can win is to not tell my competitors about the race. Isn't that called cheating?

My Favorite Person

I was 22 when I convinced myself that I was never going to get married. None of my relationships up to that point had ever lasted more than a year. I was a bit young to be giving up hope, but things weren’t looking good and I thought it might be a good idea to start preparing myself for the inevitable.

So why, exactly, was I giving up hope at such a young age? Well, for starters I had very high standards and, in the words of Greg Behrendt, I just wasn’t that into anyone. The guys I was drawn to the most were often the guys that I couldn’t have. But maybe I wouldn’t have been into them either; after all, I didn't “get” them, so I never actually knew them long enough to confirm whether or not I was TRULY into them. If history does indeed repeat itself then I would've grown sick of them, too, within the year.

I tried to commend myself for being a “strong woman,” for knowing exactly what I wanted and refusing to “settle.” After all, this is someone that I have to spend the rest of my life with - this is a big deal! If there’s one minor thing that he does that annoys me, I have to think, can I live with this the rest of my life? Honestly, I think I would’ve broken up with someone because he ate his peas one at a time.

So, naturally I began to question my standards and my choosiness. I thought something was wrong with me, that maybe I wasn’t capable of loving someone enough to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to be IN LOVE, not just tolerate someone. But I had to face the facts; the odds of me finding a perfect match for my HIGH standards were very slim.

Here’s my list so that you can see for yourself…

· Must not have a criminal history.
· Must be a college graduate with a respectable job.
· Must be knowledgeable about a variety of topics, but not a know-it-all and not overly “book smart.”
· Must not have an unbearable Boston accent.
· Must be friendly to service workers.
· Must be somewhat chivalrous.
· Must be able to hold his own (socially) among a new group of people.
· Must understand and use sarcasm.
· Must like Seinfeld.
· Must like movies and TV.
· Must like FNX music and attending concerts.
· Must be open to owning dog/s, but not pitbulls, rottys, boxers, mastiffs, etc.
· Must like going out to eat.
· Must eat meat.
· Must not drink Budweiser or Bud Light.
· Must enjoy wine once in awhile.
· Must not smoke.
· Must include working out as a top priority.
· Must like sports, but cannot wear team jerseys.
· Must not wear tank tops of any kind out in public.
· Must be good-looking (shallow, but true, and don’t you try to deny it).
· Must be well dressed.
· Must have nice hair...and sideburns are a given.
· Must not have dirty hands and fingernails.
· Must not drive a pick-up.
· Must never be cheap, even when service isn’t that great.
· Must know that you do not go to a party empty-handed.
· Must be able to justify splurging every once in awhile.
· Must want to have 2-3 children.
· Must like to travel.
· Must not be a Republican.
· Must not be racist.
· Must be pro-choice.
· Must support same sex marriage.
· Must not be religious.
· Must meet the approval of my siblings.
· Must put up with me.

I know what you’re thinking - who do I think I am, right?

Well, here’s the thing, I’ve never considered myself a lucky person mainly because I’ve always associated luck with winning. Sure, I’ve won some money on scratch tickets here and there and I won a few coloring contests when I was younger, but I would never go so far as to call myself lucky. If you think about it, luck really has little to do with winning. As cheesy as this may sound, luck is more about happiness and success. And winning doesn’t always bring happiness and success, does it?

As you probably know, I’ve been married for over a year now. Matt and I have been together for almost 8 years, but we’ve known each other since the 7th grade. That’s a total of 17 years! We’ve known each other longer than we haven’t known each other.

Because I’ve known Matt for so long, I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously built that ridiculous list around him. But, even if I did, there’s no denying the fact that I got REALLY lucky. I’m not exactly sure what I did to deserve it, but, somehow, I managed to beat those incredible odds. I thought I would spend my entire life searching for my favorite person, but he was right there all along. And, thankfully, he puts up with me.

Happy 30th Birthday, Matt!

I have a confession to make (probably one of many).

I am a news junkie as well as a TMZ junkie and I'm totally intrigued by the whole Tom and Gisele relationship. Which is strange to me because I've never really been much of a TB fan.

Yesterday I recorded Live with Regis and Kelly so that I could see Gisele on the show. You can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in to see a completely awkward, lanky Gisele sing a Bon Jovi song (you know he's one of my nemeses) with Michael Chiklis (Regis had the day off so he was a guest host) and Kelly Ripa who so obviously hated that Gisele was on the show because it meant the focus was on someone OTHER than her.

Anyway, Gisele is a freak of nature. She looks like she's walking on stilts that could snap in half at any moment (unfortunately it was Tom's leg that suffered the injury instead). But the odds of having a body like that are very slim and I guess that's why she gets paid so much money. Inheriting a body like that is like hitting the lottery.

But this post isn't about Gisele's ridiculous body, I actually would like a chance to defend her because I cannot believe the amount of criticism she is getting for "traveling the world" while Tom is "bedridden."

First of all, Gisele and Tom are NOT married, they are dating. Second of all, Tom had knee surgery, he's not on his deathbed. As a supermodel, it's part of her job to travel the world! If Matt injured his knee, I wouldn't stop working. Are these people saying that she is supposed to be at his beck and call 24/7 all because he has an injured knee? What if the tables were turned? What if Gisele broke her leg and couldn't model for several months? Would people be saying, "Oh my god, why is Tom Brady still playing football every Sunday when his girlfriend is bedridden?!?! Aaaaaaaaaah, NO, that would NOT happen.

What's For Dinner?

As pathetic as this may sound, this is typically the first question that Matt and I ask each other when we wake up. Seriously. Our lives, literally, revolve around food. We don’t eat to live, we live to eat. And I’m not sure what to make of this.

Matt and I were at a wedding last Saturday (by the way weddings are a lot more fun when you haven’t been to one in awhile) and I was having a conversation with my friend, Allison, about packing lunches (this was relevant because she has a 2-year-old daughter and a husband who recently became a cranberry farmer near their home in Carver) and she said, "Seriously, when's the last time you had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" I replied, "Actually, I had one today. Matt and I have them all the time."

So, while Allison and I went on to talk about how delicious PBJs are and a number of other ridiculously awesome topics including the foods we refuse to eat (I’m happy to say that my list only has about 8 items on it), I couldn't help thinking about how lame Matt and I are when it comes to making and eating meals. Now, I'll be honest, the reason I had a PBJ that particular day was because I needed something quick after my workout and I didn't want to eat too much during the day because I knew that I'd be eating a lot at the wedding. If I hadn’t worked out, I probably wouldn’t have eaten all day. Is that crazy? I know it’s not a healthy tactic, by any means, but I have a feeling that these strange eating habits might actually be closer to the norm. Seriously, I’d like to know one person that can actually refer to their overall diet as “healthy.” I can’t name a single person I know.

A typical week for us goes like this:

Monday through Wednesday
We refer to this as our "detox" period because the odds are pretty good that we just spent the weekend eating and drinking rubbish. We also look at it as "being good and saving up our calories for the weekend." On these days I have a light breakfast that typically includes 1 or 2 of the following: cereal, oatmeal, English muffin with PB, cottage cheese, banana or Luna bar. Then I have a light lunch which might include any 1 or 2 of those items that I did not eat for breakfast. For dinner, Matt will have a turkey sandwich and I will have a tuna sandwich.
Thursday
The breakfast and lunch routines remain the same. If Matt is home for dinner then we might order burritos. Otherwise, it's sandwiches again.
Friday
The breakfast and lunch routines remain the same. Again, if Matt is home then dinner might include ordering out or making a big meal together. Also, cocktails of some sort are typically consumed.
Saturday
The breakfast and lunch routines remain the same. Although, breakfast MAY be skipped depending upon wake-up times. Then, if we don't have any plans to see friends or family, dinner might include ordering out, going out to a restaurant or making a big meal together. Also, cocktails of some sort are typically consumed.
Sunday = Funday
This remains our "cheat day" even if Friday & Saturday of that week also turned into cheat days. We usually begin planning our cheat day on Monday and we spend the week getting psyched up for it. Sometimes a Sunday cheat day involves going to a friend's house and watching football. If that's the case then we can estimate our caloric intake to be 1,000 calories (give or take) MORE than our typical cheat day. Otherwise, we might just stay in and make something fatty and delicious for ourselves (pulled pork, guacamole, nachos, etc.), eat out at a restaurant (burgers, maybe) or order take-out (pizza, maybe). I can assure you there is never a low-cal option. Oh, and cocktails are most definitely consumed.

As you can see, our eating habits aren’t the best. But are your's or anyone else's really any better? Please tell me they're not.

For now, I’m ok with this. I think we can get away with it since we don’t have children, but what makes me nervous is thinking about feeding a family someday. I remember the days when my siblings and I used to annoy the hell out of my mother asking, “Maaaaaaa! What’s for dinner?” I had no idea how much pressure there really is to put a decent meal on the table.

And we definitely have a few additional obstacles to overcome...
1.) Matt and I can’t decide whether to order burritos or a pizza on a given night, so how the hell are we going to plan a different meal every night of the week?
2.) Matt is the chef in this little family. Unfortunately, I wasn’t lucky enough to have a mom who knew how to cook well so I learned ZERO culinary skills. Because my range is so limited, I’m going to have a very difficult time coming up with a 7-dinner rotation. Maybe I should start to get to know that Crockpot….
3.) A big meal with meat, a veggie and a starch costs a lot more money and a lot more TIME than a tuna sandwich.

Maybe we’re all unhealthy because we can be and having children finally forces us to become healthy. Damn, eating healthfully sounds exhausting. I’m not sure I’m ready for it.

P.S. Don’t read into this post.

At least I'm not waking up to Sonny & Cher every morning...

Every year, as the summer winds down, I try to convince myself that “it will be good to get back into a routine.” Then, 6 weeks into the school year, I remember just how sucky this routine is.

Lately I’ve been feeling like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day. Not that my days are bad, but, as I wake up, shower, feed the dog, dry my hair, and put on mascara, all I can think is, “Didn’t I JUST do this?”

Some mornings I find myself looking in the mirror, contemplating how much money I'd pay to have someone do my hair and makeup every morning. It’s not that any of this takes a long time, it’s just that I would prefer to do it on my OWN time, like, you know, approximately 5 or 6 hours later.

On Monday mornings, I will jokingly say to Matt, “Is it Friday yet?” Along with the rest of the world, I wish every day could be Friday. In fact, Fridays just might beat out Saturdays as my favorite day of the week because the one routine that never gets old is the Friday routine.

From the moment I wake up on a Friday, everything feels differently. I never feel guilty setting the alarm a little later (or hitting the snooze button a few extra times). The iron doesn’t need turning on because WOO-HOO it’s JEANS day! Then there’s the “I’ll get there when I get there” attitude about arriving to work which means that for one morning of the week I don’t feel rushed. Much to Matt’s delight, I might even take Little Jerry for a walk just to take in this glorious Friday morning. And, although I make the same coffee in the same machine every day of the week, it always tastes a little more delicious on Friday morning.

The Friday work routine is also a little different. Colleagues seem happier and chattier, a 30-minute lunch can often turn into 60 minutes, there are fewer emails and phone calls waiting for me and even crises seem more manageable.

Then, there’s the Friday afternoon commute, which never seems to feel like a commute at all. Unless you have plans on a Friday night (which I typically do not), the Friday afternoon commute is surprisingly relaxing. It is the first time all week that I don’t feel like there’s something else I should be doing. Contractually, we can be out the door at 2:00 on a Friday, but, for some reason, I suddenly find myself taking my time wrapping up the workday. When I get into the car, I immediately open the sunroof, roll down the windows and turn up the stereo a little louder than normal. I carefully select songs that fit my mood and I take in every lyric, sometimes singing along, not caring what the person in the car next to me thinks about my performance. I am also not phased by traffic on Fridays. I stop for every pedestrian, I let other cars pull out in front of me and I don’t care that it may take me twice as long to get home. Because I know, when I get there, it will still be Friday, the start of the weekend.

There are only two commutes that top the Friday afternoon commute and they are the afternoon commute on the last day of school before Christmas vacation and the afternoon commute on the last day of the school year. Unfortunately, if you don't work in education, you may never experience this euphoria. Thankfully, Fridays come every week.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm sure I'll find someone else to blame.

Face it, we're all idiots once in awhile. Since it's Monday and I don't mind making fun of myself, I thought I would share with you some "Molly Moments" from the past few weeks.

Story #1

The other day I was driving behind a car with a Patriots license plate frame. We came upon a red light and because I have a tendency to use my DBS (delayed breaking system), I ended up stopping much too close to the car. I began to examine the license plate frame and became somewhat confused when I read the words "National Football League" in my head. It took about 5-7 seconds for me to realize that this was NFL. I guess when an acronym is used so commonly, I forget what the letters actually stand for.

Story #2

When watching the Red Sox play Tampa Bay in Florida, you can see an ad for neweracap.com behind home plate. I spent a few minutes reading this as "newer a cap" and wondering what that could mean. The company is New Era Cap, if you haven't figured it out yet.

Story #3

When Matt and I were watching a Red Sox game at a bar, the following picture came up on the TV screen.

I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time so I read this as "Kev Matchup" and I thought to myself, "Who is this Kev Matchup guy? I've never heard of him before." I realized about 20 seconds too late what it actually said. The best part? I fell for it a second time a few weeks later.

I'm Sorry, What Did You Say?

Do you consider yourself to be a good listener? Are you patient? Do you ask questions?

Or, when someone else is talking, are you just thinking about what you will say next?

I consider myself to be a good listener. I guess I should be grateful for that because my job is, essentially, a “professional listener.” Let’s face it, if I wasn’t a good listener or if I didn't know how to listen, then I’d be doing something else right now (and probably wouldn’t get summers off). But I will be honest, listening is definitely a skill that I've had to work to improve over the years.

When I'm with someone, one-on-one, or when I'm among a group of people, I find it very easy to listen to the speaker, make eye contact and give him/her my full attention. If, for some reason, I must multi-task when I'm listening to someone then I try to make a point of saying "I'm still listening." I know this isn't the most polite way to listen, but sometimes it is difficult to avoid and it's better than not having the time to listen at all. I do it because I genuinely enjoy listening to people talk and, for the most part, I am usually interested in what the speaker is saying. What some people do not understand or appreciate, though, is the fact that some people do their best listening while doing something else at the very same time. I've discovered that I am one of these people.

I’ve come to learn that I do my worst listening when it's the only thing I have to focus on. As you may or may not know, Matt and I watch The Biggest Loser religiously. Every week we complain that the show is too long (2 hours!), so for that reason alone maybe this won't come as a big surprise to anyone, but I often find myself zoning out in the middle of the show. For example, I will see the contestants participate in a "challenge," however I have no idea what the rules of the challenge are because I wasn't listening when they were stated by the host. YET, I was sitting there at the time and I was definitely staring at the TV screen and I WASN’T doing anything else. I don't get it. Something isn’t adding up.

Then there are the car rides. For some odd reason, I slip into a coma when I am a passenger in a car. Seriously, if you’re planning a long road trip, I am the LAST person you want to invite; you may as well go by yourself.

A car ride with me often goes like this:
1.) Driver tells story.
2.) I nod, say “yeah” or make some other one-word comment.
3.) Driver begins a new story.
4.) I repeat step 2.
5.) Driver apologizes for “talking my ear off.”
6.) I say “No need to apologize.”
7.) Repeat steps 1-6.

Most often in these "car cases," I really am listening, but I’m embarrassed to say that I’m not being an ACTIVE listener. When I'm riding in a car, my responses clearly lack quality and I never seem to ask the typical probing questions.

Another situation that occurs in the car involves listening to the radio (this might be related to the TV issue). Sometimes the driver will make a comment about something that is said on the radio and I have to respond, "Oh, I wasn't listening." So, what was I doing, you ask? The answer is I HAVE NO IDEA. I certainly wasn’t driving, so I can't even use "focusing on the road" as an excuse.

I confess. I’m not ALWAYS a good listener. I have some work to do. But I’ve become quite good at recognizing situations in which my listening skills are guaranteed to deteriorate. Here are some examples…

Adults Who Read Aloud (because they probably like the sound of their own voice)
By now, most people that are close to me know that I cannot listen to people read aloud, so, thankfully, they no longer do it. It CAN pose some problems, though, or at least some awkward situations. Try to imagine stopping strangers or acquaintances mid-sentence and telling them to hand over the piece of paper because you can't listen to them read aloud. Sometimes people take offense to this, but the fact remains that I have to read it myself. You can waste your time reading aloud, but I will just have to reread it when you are finished. On the other hand, maybe this is fine with you because you love to talk and you love the sound of your own voice.

People Who Simply Love to Talk
Some people just love to talk and I’m okay with that because I am one of them. However, I find it very difficult to listen to people who talk too much about themselves or their children. You MUST find a balance. I can fully appreciate someone who likes to talk, but if you like to talk then you also need to listen. You can't dominate every conversation and not give others the opportunity to be heard.

The Boomerang
I’m sure you know at least one person who can turn virtually any story back on his/herself. I'm convinced that these people practice their tactics in the privacy of their own home. More often than not, the stories aren't even related, but these people are very skillful; they have a sixth sense that allows them to find the smallest connection so that they can ALWAYS find a way to bring the focus back to themselves. You know there’s a problem when someone says “Speaking of the Presidential Campaign, did you notice my new haircut?”

The Non-Editors
As I mentioned previously, I love to talk. Give me a glass of wine and you will find this out soon enough. However, I think I’m pretty good at “reading” the natural progression of a conversation. For the most part, I think I know when to listen, when to talk, when to interject, when to interrupt (I believe that sometimes it IS necessary to interrupt) and, most importantly, I know when to edit for content.

Have you ever found yourself listening to a story wondering when the speaker is ever going to get to the point? The BEST example of this is a story that starts like this: “Last Monday, no wait, maybe it was Tuesday? Or was it Sunday?” Um, can I have the last 5 minutes of my life back? I’m not saying I have more important things to be doing or that my time is more precious than yours, but I’ve now lost interest because THIS INFORMATION IS IRRELEVANT. You don’t have to provide EVERY detail to get your point across. Take a cue from my husband, Matt, and begin EVERY story with “yesterday” even if it was 7 years ago. Unless, of course, you’re under oath.

Relentless Agenda-Pushers
I am known for having strong opinions, but I’m also known for changing my mind about certain things. This may come as a surprise to some people, but I like when others “play devil’s advocate.” I consider myself an open-minded person and the fact that I DO change my mind, on occasion, should tell you that I am not 100% set in my ways. I also don’t have a problem admitting to someone that they’ve made a good point. What bothers me, though, is when people try relentlessly to change the opinions of others. Do they not recognize that this is a lost cause? As well as a party foul? Pushing your agenda on other people makes everyone else in the room uncomfortable. The world would be a pretty boring place if everyone had the same opinions so please do us all a favor and agree to disagree.

The Constant Complainer
Personally, I believe that it is normal to complain every once in awhile, but I don't want to listen to you if complaining is ALL that you do. Especially if you're complaining about things you cannot control. Yes, it would be nice if it wasn't going to rain the day of the party, but we're still going to hang out, crush some beers and eat some delicious snacks. The party isn't going to suck simply because it's raining, so get over it and make the most of it.

The Repetitive Story Teller
Recently Matt accused me of telling the same story too many times. I was absolutely mortified because this is something that I, myself, am annoyed by. When someone begins telling me a story for the second time, I usually have no problem telling him/her that I’ve already heard this story. What is funny (and by funny I mean annoying) is that the storyteller often ignores this comment and continues to tell the story for the second time anyway.

So what DO I enjoy listening to? To name a few...
• Good music
• Problems that I can relate to
• Family backgrounds
• Opinions
• Advice
• Breaking news
• Funny Stories
• News related to education
• Nonsense

Do You Ever Wonder...

what your life would be like if you attended a different college?

I have a lot of pride in my alma mater and wouldn’t trade my four years at UMass for four years anywhere else, especially knowing now how everything turned out. However, on occasion, Matt and I like to discuss our “do-over colleges” - I often fantasize about NYU while he fantasizes about Maryland or USC.

Now, clearly there are cons to this fantasy, but that’s exactly why it’s a fantasy and not a reality. For instance, I highly doubt that I would’ve been accepted to NYU, I’d definitely have a lot more student loans (I can barely afford the loans I have now) and I’d probably have a lot more credit card debt because something tells me that I would've easily justified several outrageous fashion purchases all in the name of “fitting in” in NYC.

As they say, the grass is always greener…

Well, it wasn’t New York, Maryland or South Carolina, but last weekend, Matt and I decided to have our own little two-person reunion in Amherst. I skillfully scheduled a conference at UMass on Monday so that Matt and I could drive out there on Sunday, spend the day in Amherst and stay overnight at the University Lodge (very upscale).

The last time we were in Amherst was five years ago when we watched my younger brother graduate, but it’s actually been eight years since we last called Amherst our home. And while many changes have taken place over the past eight years, two things remain true: Amherst is a GREAT college town and UMass is a GREAT school.

The following is a list of some of our thoughts, discussions and realizations during and after our visit.

1. Eight years later we still get that indescribable feeling in our stomachs when we hit the UMass campus (sometimes we even get it when we hit the Amherst town line). I don’t know what it is. I used to think that it was just the excitement of being there, on our own and having the time of our lives with very little responsibilities, but why is that feeling still present eight years later? If I had attended a college in Boston, I don’t think I’d ever experience this sensation; Boston is a place I have visited quite often throughout my life and, therefore, I can associate it with lots of other things. Amherst, on the other hand, for me, is only associated with UMass and four of the best years of my life.

2. College kids look SO young. Or maybe we just look old. I’ll go with my first thought because Matt was very quick to say that he thought we fit right in and didn’t look out of place. And we DID get carded at the bar (the bartender even looked at the back of the license).

3. The fashion, overall, was highly disappointing. No matter what age you are, you always feel like you are “in the loop” when it comes to fashion. When I was in high school, I thought older people knew nothing about fashion. Then, when I was in college, I realized that high school kids weren’t really in the loop because they took much too long to catch onto the fashion trends. Now that I’m in my thirties, (and having somewhat of an identity crisis when it comes to fashion, but that’s a whole separate post) I realize that I am WAY more knowledgeable about fashion than I ever have been before. Maybe I can’t afford a lot of the stuff I would like to wear and my body doesn’t showcase the clothes as well it used to, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be knowledgable about today's fashion and still have one foot in the loop (let's face it, if you don't have a lot of money and you don't live in NY or LA, it's tough to be 100% in the loop).

Anyway, I guess we were expecting to see a lot more hipsters on campus. I think the only hipsters we did see were life-long Amherst residents who were well past college age. At this point we concluded that being a hipster is a lifestyle, not a trend. I tend to associate hipsters with a mid- to late-twenties/early thirties kind of crowd, but, after thinking about it, it’s hard to become a hipster. Hipsters are hipsters for life. I very much admire hipsters, but I could never become one no matter how hard I try. Yes, I can steal some of their fashion ideas, but I have a really hard time donning fashion that doesn’t coordinate (I have a similar problem with symmetry) and it’s tough to fight that. On another trendy note, as I walked through campus I saw only one girl wearing leggings and knee-high boots – she definitely stood out (probably in a sorority).

I digress.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that college students, for the most part, are slobs. Now, some people will argue that college is NOT a fashion show and that it’s actually a relief to be able to wear sweats/pajamas to class, however, you can still dress down and look good on a college budget. I always say that you can tell a lot about a person just by his/her jeans…well…let’s just say these kids are in need of a Stacy & Clinton intervention. Honestly, from what I saw, it doesn’t take a lot to stand out by looking good. Find yourself a nice pair of jeans and you’ll probably score a date that same night. And don’t give me that crap about college students being more focused on their studies than the latest fashion trends. We all know what college is REALLY about.

4. It was nice to see some new additions…

• Several new buildings are now putting the old ones to shame. No, the campus isn't made up of ivy-covered historical buildings, but, if you just pause for a moment and take it all in, you will realize that UMass REALLY is a beautiful campus. I don’t know how to explain it except that it just FEELS exactly the way college SHOULD feel.

5. And sad to see some missing pieces…

• Barcies, which was basically a hallway transformed into a bar and known for accepting any and all IDs, has been replaced by a typewriter/computer store. Yes, that’s right, a store that sells typewriters. Amherst is definitely a hippie town, but I was unaware that typewriters were in such high demand there. I’m pretty sure the only people in the store were members of the class of 2012 who stopped by to gawk at these ancient machines they had only heard about in legends and fairytales.


• D.P. Dough, a calzone place that may have actually coined the term “freshmen 15,” has now become Mr. Chicken.


• “Frat Row” basically doesn’t exist anymore. The houses are literally GONE and have been replaced only by grass. I guess this is a good thing?


• Delano’s, my college bar of choice, was closed for renovations. Really, it’s about time. They were well overdue for renovations back in 2000.


• The Copper Mine is the new name for what used to be an after hours club that was BYOB, if you can imagine that. The old name escapes us…maybe because WE are old.

6. We completely regret not taking advantage of all the school had to offer, mainly athletic events. I went to several basketball games throughout my four years, but, other than that, I only went to one football game and one field hockey game. I also never participated in intramurals...stupid.

7. The street that we lived on during our junior and senior years is DISGUSTING. I would be horrified if I was a parent driving down this street for the first time. The house that I lived in is probably in the best condition of any house on the street, but that isn’t saying much at all. On the other hand, it is still the best location; it’s as close as you can get to campus without actually being on campus.

8. Apparently students aren’t into “Sunday drinking” as much as we 30-year-olds are. We had no problem finding seats at a college bar to watch the Patriots lose last Sunday.

For those of you who didn’t visit or attend UMass, you might not “get it” BUT hopefully you can relate, in some way, with your own experiences. And if you haven’t visited your alma mater recently, I highly recommend it.

Just when you thought you had everything...

I came across this fabulous find while perusing the Urban Outfitters blog...

"High Tide Heels"

I think the only way the designer MIGHT get someone to purchase these is if they come with a "swim like Michael Phelps" guarantee.

On the other hand, I would buy them with just a "learn to swim" guarantee...

Hold 'em high, my friends!

I really hadn’t planned on referencing Seinfeld twice in one week, but I just couldn’t help myself.

From a Seinfeld standup routine:

“On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little pooper scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

Little Jerry Seinfeld is the first dog that I have ever owned. He was a grad school graduation gift from Matt and his arrival meant that I would "have to" move to the big city with Matt (coincidence? I don't think so).

For Matt and me, using poop bags was never an option - it was automatic. As far as we were concerned, the rule was this: you live in the city, you pick up after dog. Simple, right? Well, apparently this rule doesn’t apply to EVERYONE in EVERY city. Case in point: One time, about 1-2 years ago, I was walking Little Jerry in Lowell and I was stopped by a man who said to me, “You must not be from around here.” And I replied, “What do you mean?” He said, “You pick up after your dog!?!” With much conviction I responded, “It’s what ALL responsible dog owners SHOULD do.”

But, just like anything else, it’s actually NOT what all owners do. Just like every parent raises his/her children differently, every dog owner raises his/her dog differently.

On a typical walk with Little Jerry, I often witness dog owners stand by while their dogs poop, only to leave it behind for the next idiot (most likely me) to step in it. By experiencing so many close-calls, I’ve learned pretty quickly not to wear my Tory Burch flats or my Frye boots while walking Jerry.

But ruining designer shoes is not my only concern. Dogs naturally sniff out other dogs’ poop, thus exposing them to parasitic worms that can be transmitted to humans. Animal waste can also contribute to storm water pollution. It contains disease-carrying bacteria and toxins that can increase the risk of viral infections, flu, and skin rashes for ocean/lake swimmers near storm drain outlets. This creeps me out on a personal level because, believe it or not, Matt has actually gone swimming the Merrimack River!

My frustration around irresponsible pet owners has grown steadily over the past few years. So, I’ve decided that it’s time to take action. Yes, that’s right, my goal is to single-handedly change the ways of our urban, dog-owning society.

Not too long ago I was embarrassed to be seen picking up after Little Jerry (don't worry, though, I still did it). Well, not anymore. Now, when I have a full bag of poop, I hold it high for all the world to see. That’s right, I’m showing people that there is no shame in picking up after your dog. I am telling them that I am proud of this ripe bag of poop and I will gladly show it off like a Heisman trophy.

So please join me in this silent campaign and hold your poop bags high! We are capable of change! It is your civic duty (no pun intended)!

Next issue: Tackling dog-owners who ignorantly believe that their dogs are trained well enough to walk without a leash and then act completely shocked when their dogs run across traffic to meet Little Jerry and force my walk to come to a premature end while I wait for said owners to cross the street to retrieve their untrained dogs.

Really, Is This The Best You Can Do?

I believe Jerry Seinfeld said it perfectly:

“This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far. The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. This man is out of ideas.”

I guess I was wrong when I thought that turning 30 years old meant that you were no longer eligible for the car-horn-honk. Just when I thought I had grown out of the phase of being honked at, it happened. In fact, it happened twice in one week.

The first "incident" occurred while I was running in Lowell and the second incident occurred when I was getting out of my car at a gas station in Billerica. At first I thought it was a mistake. Maybe the guy accidentally leaned on his horn. Or maybe someone cut him off. Or maybe there was a smokin’ hot chick running behind me in a bikini. However, in both cases, the honk was paired with a creepy look directed at me. One guy even waved. I’m getting skeeved again just thinking about it.

In all honesty, the Lowell incident doesn't concern me as much as the Billerica incident. Lowell is a college town, so I half expect honks to happen here with all the college students. Guys and girls, alike, will pretty much do anything to get some action in college. Especially when they are either A.) drunk or B.) bored. Let’s face it, there’s a lot of down time in college.

So, that leads me to the second incident in Billerica. Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking, “How many times does this girl reference AND visit a town that she despises so much?” The problem is that unless I want a 60-minute commute to and from work each day, I am forced to drive through Billerica.

During a typical commute through Billerica, I drive behind, in front of and past several blue-collar business trucks. One day last week, a man driving one of the aforementioned trucks honked at me. I turned towards the man driving the truck and gave him the most obvious look of disgust that I could come up with. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was good enough because he waved anyway.

At first, I felt embarrassed. Then I became angry.

Now, at THIS point you’re probably thinking, “Ugly Betty could get honked at in Lowell and Billerica!” But this post is not about me falling victim to the car-horn-honk (yes, I refer to myself as a “victim” because, unlike some other women, I cannot find it in me to feel flattered by this act). No, it’s about the honk in general.

The naïve part of me wants to believe that drivers who honk at runners are doing so to encourage the runner. That is all I can surmise. Otherwise, I am completely baffled by the car-horn-honk. As Jerry said, is this really the best that men can do?

Really, what do men intend to achieve from the car-horn-honk? Are they experiencing a sudden regression to their teenage years all in the name of fun? Do they secretly hope that the woman will drop everything in her hands and run after the truck and say, “Oh baby I want you so bad, let’s run off and get crazy together?" I bet most of them wouldn’t even know what to do if that really happened.

Or maybe the men just want the girl to giggle and wave back? Then again, maybe any positive response would do? And what if they do get the response they are looking for? Will they turn around? And if they do turn around, what will they do then?

I know exactly what they will do. They will see my face, they will realize that I’m a weathered 30-year-old and they will wish they had honked at the skinny 19-year-old girl who just pulled up to the pump next to me.

More Obsessions with Words...

The other day I found myself window shopping for shoes online (does that even make sense?) and happened to come across a brand of shoes called Two Lips. I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Something about that name just completely grossed me out.

Once again, I got to thinking. Over the course of my life, I’ve outright cringed upon hearing certain words. In fact, sometimes I’m so distracted by a cringe-worthy word that I end up missing everything else the speaker says.

So, I decided to make a list of words (and some phrases) that literally stop me in my tracks. I made a point of leaving out the obvious racist remarks.

The following is a list of words that, in my opinion, could and should be removed from the English language entirely. I really don’t think anyone would miss them. Do you?

moist
panties
penalize (when pronounced with a long e sound)
cochlear
slacks
pissa
cool beans (believe it or not I’ve actually heard this phrase in the past 12 months)
eye-candy
WELL! (when uttered by Jane Coughlin)
fiancé
grow your business
dungarees
gnarly
tanorexic
be careful (like I'm going to follow YOUR advice)
anal
bunion
pocketbook
clusterfuck
chinos (they're called khakis)
snatch
up-and-coming (keep telling yourself that)
nice figure
gubernatorial
spiritual
Manch-vegas
po po (as in police)
pus
family-friendly
negligee
poncho
lol (I prefer "ha ha")
fugly
ginormous
rad
non-alcoholic
Brangelina (or any word combining the first names of a celebrity couple)
crotch
persnickety
mount
broad (when describing a woman)
closure
sketchy

Of course I had to balance this all out by thinking of words and phrases I LOVE for no other reason except that they’re either A.) hilarious (which happens to be a word I love) or B.) overused by none other than ME.

rubbish
duty
curmudgeon
awesome
sweet
cheesy
bookin it
chucker
guacamole
naïve
traverse
douchebag
psyched
lose my mind
pissed
snacks
nap
tchotke
brings nothing to the table
segue
wasted
dude
chick
Google
redundant
sucks
shady
insane
helmet
taco
worthless
poop
crackin up
sickening
idiot
smarmy
binkie
squalor
glorious
knock it off
moron
suspect
boobs
cumbersome
obvious
debunk
tomfoolery
bulbous (George Costanza’s head)
cougar
deliciousness
hipster
beaver
nonsense
macerate (what you do to the fruit when you make sangria)
cankle
rapscallion
kebab (best when said by Jamie Oliver)
ridiculous
hilarious
tagging
adjusts (I think it’s the s-t-s combo that makes me giggle – try saying it aloud)

Something tells me these 2 lists are just going to get longer over time…

The Wait is Over!

Yesterday suddenly felt like fall. I was walking Little Jerry on the Riverwalk and wearing a long sleeve t-shirt for the first time in months and I began to get a little depressed about the end of summer and my return to work on Monday (yes, I give you permission to curse me out for complaining about having “only” 6 weeks off during the summer). But then I remembered my post from two weeks ago: focus on the positive. So, I decided to spend our walk thinking about all of the things I have to look forward to even as the summer ends.

1. All Things Pumpkin

The person who invented pumpkin beer might be my idol and the yearly anticipation is finally over! Although I don’t know which brewing company started this trend, many companies have followed suit. In my opinion, none compares to The Shipyard’s “Pumpkinhead Ale.”

A common complaint of spicy, flavored beer is that it’s difficult to drink more than 1 or 2, but Pumpkinhead is my personal favorite because the pumpkin flavor is ever so slight. With Pumpkinhead it’s easy to finish off your 6-pack so your $8 doesn’t go to waste. The only thing that bothers me about Pumpkinhead’s growing popularity is that it used to be available well into December, but now you’re VERY lucky if you can find it for a Halloween party. Shipyard really deserves a spot up on a pedestal alongside the person who originally combined chocolate and peanut butter (Reese?).

If you don’t like pumpkin flavored beer there’s always pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream (amazing!) or pumpkin pancakes (Johnny D’s, anyone?). If someone tells me that something is pumpkin flavored, my ears suddenly perk up and I must have it!

*Update: I just tried Dogfishead "Punkin Ale" for the first time and was pleasantly surprised. Actually, I have grown to love this brewing company thanks to my sister-in-law, Liz, who became a fan when she went to school in Delaware (that's where DFH is based out of). The pumpkin flavor is much stronger than Pumpkinhead and it definitely tastes spicier. The alcohol content is 7% so a 4-pack was just fine. I don't think I'd buy it as OFTEN as Pumpkinhead but it seems like it would be a nice little treat once in a while.

2. Candy Corn

As I see it, the world is divided into two groups: those who love candy corn and those who hate candy corn. This is yet another obsession of mine which probably accounts for 90% of my winter weight gain. I have actually been known to get ill after eating too much candy corn. It’s one of those things where I don’t know when to stop and I just keep shoveling handfuls into my mouth and then the stomachache hits me out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. Yet the next time I eat it, I do the same thing all over again, never learning my lesson.

Oh and it can’t be the chewy Brach’s candy corn, it has to be Farley’s or Zachary's candy corn. You know, the brand that has the really grainy sugary texture, comes in the round plastic container and somehow manages to prolong the candy corn season by making Reindeer Corn, Cupid Corn and Bunny Corn? It’s almost as if they knew I wouldn’t make it through a long New England winter without it!

3. Changing Weather

This is why I could never live in CA or FL. As much as I LOVE the summer, I have to admit that by the time the end of August rolls around, I always feel like I need a break from the 85 degree weather. Honestly, the pressure to maintain a “summer body” for bikinis, dresses, tank tops and skirts is quite exhausting. Sometimes I just want to put on my biggest sweatshirt and sweatpants and eat a whole pizza by myself. And then maybe wash it down with several handfuls of candy corn. Is that so bad?

4. Fall Fashion

Once you start packing on that weight for winter, you then have to try your best to hide it in something stylish. Fall fashion is perfect for this! My personal faves: sweaters, hoodies, skinny jeans, knee-high boots, oversized handbags, vests, long cardigans, scarves and Chuck Taylors. Enough said.

5. The Rib ‘n Brews Festival

Lowell is known for its festivals but this one is by far my favorite because it combines two of life’s greatest pleasures: BBQ and microbrews.

This event is held every year on the weekend after Labor Day. It’s the one weekend out of the year that I don’t have to drive to Somerville to enjoy Redbones, but it’s also fun to try the authentic BBQ from the south. It costs $20 to get into the microbrew tent where you can taste several different beers from breweries all around New England. $20 sounds like a lot at first, but it is totally worth it. They give you a checklist to taste each beer once, but a majority of the vendors don’t even look at it and encourage you to keep coming back for more! And don’t let the tiny little tasting cups fool you because I guarantee you’ll be walking home a bit sideways.

The first year Matt and I went to the Rib ‘n Brews Fest, we went by ourselves and just as we were about to leave the tent, it started thundering, lightning and pouring rain. Our first thought: “Hmmmm, stuck in a beer tent in the pouring rain…can’t think of anything better, really.”

If you're free on September 6th, come join us!

*UPDATE: It was announced on 8/21/08 that the Rib 'n Brews Fest has been cancelled! Since I've mentioned this festival in a few posts now, you can imagine my devastation. According to the Lowell Sun, the date has always been "unpopular" and the coordinator recently fell ill. As an alternative, he is trying to plan an Oktober-style beer festival since the microbrew tent has always been a successful component of the festival (no shit).

6. Parker’s Maple Barn

I feel bad for my brother, Gerard, because his “No NH Policy” means that he will never be able to experience this fabulous eatery that our friends, Amber & Matt, introduced us to a few years ago. Yes, it is in Mason, NH, in the middle of nowhere and you might have to wait over an hour for a table for 4 for a weekend brunch, but they have some of the best pumpkin pancakes I’ve ever had in my life, maple baby back ribs (yes the guys order this for brunch!), their own maple coffee, maple cream, maple syrup and…drum roll, please…MAPLE FRAPPES!

The first time we went here for brunch, Amber and I finished our meals and decided that we were going to order maple frappes for the ride home (on the ride there we had to resort to counting red doors to pass the time). Needless to say the frappes made for a very enjoyable ride home!

7. Concerts

So far I have Cold War Kids lined up for October 14th and word on the street is that Vampire Weekend will play in Boston sometime in December!

8. New TV Season

After a summer of reruns, it’s nice to have something to look forward to every night, even if it is a cheesy, 30-minute sitcom that you get way too wrapped up in. Don’t you remember when you were a kid and the season premieres always aired the first week of school? It’s depressing that nowadays we have to wait until the end of September/beginning of October. Except for a lonely few.

Here’s a list of some of my faves:

· Sept. 1 – Gossip Girl
· Sept. 2 – the “new” 90210 (that’s 9/02 for those of you who didn’t make the connection and you bet your ass I’ll be tuning into this show!)
· Sept. 7 – Entourage
· Sept. 16 – The Biggest Loser
· Sept. 22 – How I Met Your Mother
· Sept. 25 – The Office & Grey’s Anatomy
· Oct. 30 – 30 Rock
· Jan. 2009 (Boooooo!) – Lost, American Idol & The Bachelor (with Jason!!!)

And there’s still no word on the 3rd season of Flight of the Conchords (unless someone has some inside info I’m not aware of??). WOW…this is a bit depressing…I guess I really do watch a lot of TV.

9. Sunday Celebrations (and I’m not talking about showers, ladies)

When it comes down to it, the weekend is really only 1 day. Friday night is usually a wash because you’re exhausted from the week and by the time you leave work, go to the gym, stop at the liquor store and grocery store, fight traffic to get home, walk the dog and make dinner, it’s time to fall asleep watching TV on the couch.

And like many other people, I despise Sundays. They are so NOT relaxing for me because all I’m thinking about is how much I’m dreading the start of the work week…which is funny because once Monday morning comes, I’m usually fine. It’s just that Sunday afternoon and evening feeling that gets me every week. So how do I cope? As much as I hate football, I’ve come to realize that it is THE best excuse to go to a friend’s house, “watch” the game, drink a few beers and eat rubbish.

10. Matt Finally Turns 30

For 6 months out of every year my husband gets to rub it in my face that he is younger than me. This year has been especially fun for him because he’s been able to say casually “Yeah…I’m still in my 20s.” Enjoy the last 8 weeks of your 20s, Matt!

Granted, September 1st - January 1st will never compare to April – August, but I really do love this time of year. A new school year means an increase in pay, getting back into a routine and work is busy in a good way. I love postseason baseball, I love not feeling guilty about eating dinner at a French or Italian restaurant, I love Thanksgiving, I love the entire Christmas season, I love the first snowfall (notice I said first) and I even love getting dressed up for a cheesy New Year’s Eve party.

What I don’t love is January 2nd – April 1st: the bitter cold, having to walk the dog in the bitter cold, the thought that warmer weather is NEVER coming, much shorter days, dry white skin, no baseball and feeling like there’s “nothing to do.”

Happy (almost) fall everyone!

More Random Thoughts on the Olympics...

Well, we are now into the second week of the Olympics and most of the exciting events are behind us. I do have some additional thoughts as they begin to wind down...

1. Like the rest of the world, I did not believe that Michael Phelps won a 7th gold medal in the 100m butterfly, but this underwater snapshot from SI.com is proof that he pulled this victory out of his ass. The touchboard doesn't lie.

As Matt said, this is just one reason why he should thank god for those freakishly long swimmer's fingers.

2. I have no idea what is going on with the gymnastics judging but Nastia Liukin was robbed of a gold medal on the parallel bars the other night. The Chinese girls, in addition to being underage, are winning medals they don’t deserve. Bob Costas keeps reminding us that just because the Olympics are held in China, doesn’t mean there are a greater number of Chinese judges. But Bob, there ARE other methods of cheating in the Olympics.

3. Table Tennis – Man I thought I could hold my own in a game of “ping pong” but, after watching these guys, I now realize I suck.

4. Even though he's Swiss, I found myself rooting for Roger Federer in the gold medal doubles tennis match. It probably wasn't as sweet as winning the gold in singles but, hey, good for him...and his partner, whatever his name is, must've been psyched to be along for the ride.

5. As I watched Alicia Sacramone choke, yet again, in the women's vault event finals, I couldn't help but notice that one of the other gymnasts (from Italy) gave her an awkward triple kiss when she completed her 2 vaults. Did anyone else see this? Apparently other people noticed it as well because it did make its way to YouTube. I wanted to post the video here, but it appears as though it's been removed...I wonder why...

6. I still haven't been able to find any javelin coverage...
Matt just sent me a link...apparently Leryn Franco was eliminated from the Olympics on Tuesday after failing to qualify for the javelin finals. Too bad. I'm sure NBC will see their ratings for track and field plummet. And the world won't be seeing a Leryn Franco Olympic calendar any time soon.

7. Men's Basketball is a joke...YAWN.

8. I need to become a hurdler so I can have a body like this...

9. I just finished watching the women's balance beam event finals. Although Nastia came in 2nd, I was so happy to see Shawn Johnson win a gold. Now they're each going home with 3 silvers and 1 gold. And I give you the non-chokers of the women's gymnastics team...

10. Believe it or not, the name Chrystl Bustos is uttered A LOT in my house. And here's why. Can you imagine playing softball against this woman?!?!

11. Did anyone happen to catch the trampoline? Yes, it is an olympic event and, yes, it is hilarious. You should see how high these girls jump. I don't know how they do it. I'm not sure I can even jump on a trampoline without peeing my pants. Seriously, it's happened to me twice.