You Can Shove This Up Your Arse

So it appears that in just ONE short summer TWO of my beloved movie series will disappoint and embarrass me.

As you know, I'm still recovering from the travesty that was/is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull and now, this Friday, George Lucas releases Star Wars: The Clone Wars, an animated feature film that can easily be confused for a video game when you see the trailer on TV.

My friend, Matt, who rivals my brother, Gerard, in argumentativeness (it can get ugly when they are in the same room together) recently saw this trailer and decided to include me on an email in which he questioned which series has become more embarrassing: Rocky or Star Wars. (If you were part of this email then you will find this post repetitive.) For those of you who do not know Matt, Rocky is to him what Star Wars is to me (what can I say...it's a family thing).

The very first point that Matt made in his email is that while Star Wars won more Oscars, OVERALL, Rocky won more QUALITY Oscars (e.g. Best Picture, Best Director).

Naturally, this got me thinking.

For as much as I love the Oscars, betting on the Oscars and attending Oscar parties (Stuff White People Like!), simply winning an Oscar does not necessarily make a movie great and, in my opinion, doesn't give it any more credibility.

Yes, maybe I AM bitter about Star Wars losing out to Annie Hall for the Best Picture Oscar in 1977 (P.S. I wasn't even born yet), however, I have to remind myself that there is a long list of terrible, forgettable movies that have won Oscars for Best Picture.

Honestly, I can't go back all that far because I'm not a huge fan of old movies. I've tried to be (that should be Stuff White People Like) but I just don't think that many of them have stood the test of time.

So let's review, shall we? In non-chronological order...

Topping my list is a little movie called The English Patient which won Best Picture in 1996. This is a movie that after a few attempts, I am still unable to watch in its entirety. In fact, if I ever have trouble getting my kids to fall asleep in the future, I'm going to threaten them with this movie. In my opinion, The English Patient just might be the WORST movie ever made. And let me say that I had this opinion long before Elaine Benes did.

If there is an award for the cheesiest movie ever made then it should easily go to Titanic, which somehow beat out Good Will Hunting and L.A. Confidential in 1997.

But apparently Hollywood likes its cheesy movies...especially cheesy EPICS...

Gladiator won Best Pic over Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in 2000?

Ghandi over E.T. in 1982? Ok, maybe that one was legit, but I was 4.

1995 was a tough year for nominees. Usual Suspects somehow went UNNOMINATED thus paving the way for the most overrated movie of all time, Braveheart, to win Best Pic.

There was also Dances with Wolves over Goodfellas in 1990.

The cheesy "romantic comedy" Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan in 1998.

How about Chicago over Gangs of New York in 2002? Ok, so Gangs wasn't that great, but it did have Hollywood's ever-precious Daniel Day Lewis in it. Not to mention there should be a law that states that a musical cannot win a Best Picture Oscar...isn't that what the Tony Awards are for? And I just noticed that The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers was also nominated that year. I guess the Academy missed the entire hour in which 2 hobbits were riding around on talking trees.

Crash should never have been nominated yet it beat out Brokeback Mountain in 2005.

And Chariots of Fire over Raiders of the Lost Ark in 1981? Ok, so maybe I'm cheating on this one because I've never actually seen Chariots, but I had to throw it in there because Raiders is another binkie of mine.

The farthest I will go back is to 1975; I'm sorry but Jaws should have beat out One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Driving Miss Daisy, which rivals The English Patient in bore factor (although I did make it all the way through DMD), beat out Field of Dreams, Dead Poet's Society AND Born on the Fourth of July in 1989????

Forrest Gump, although a great movie, should not have beat out Pulp Fiction OR Shawshank Redemption in 1994. Seriously, have you ever watched Gump a 2nd time all the way through? No. But you've definitely seen Pulp Fiction at least 5 times (I saw it twice in the theater) and you definitely stop to watch Shawshank every time you stumble across it when you're flipping through the channels on a random weeknight.

I think I've made my point.

There's not a LOT to like about Lowell...but maybe there's a little...

A week has gone by since I returned to reality here in Lowell. After drowning myself in my sorrows (i.e. Watermelon Ale) for 7 days, I decided to try something I’m not very good at: focusing on the positive. And that starts with a simple reminder that it is still summer!

Thinking positively does not come naturally to me; it’s something that I have to remind myself to do on a daily basis. I’m hoping maybe 50 years from now this daily training will eventually pay off and I will be the most positive, most chipper, most popular person in the nursing home…oh wait…there will be no one to hang out with because we’ll probably all be dead. I’ll be sure to send you a postcard from hell and let you know just how hot it really is.

There I go again with my negativity.

One of the great things about growing older (get ready for the cliché) is that you gain a better understanding of who you really are, for better or worse. You can reflect on the reasons why you think the way you do, feel the way you do and act the way you do. And you realize you have the power to change those things, if you want to. No, I'm not reading you an excerpt from The Secret or A New Earth. This is common sense. Don't waste your time on these self-improvement books; you are capable of reflection and change as long as you have common sense.

I know that I am a pessimist and that sometimes (often?) I am too critical or judgmental. I find flaws in everything (mostly things having to do with myself). What’s worse is that my filter appears to be disintegrating with each passing day, so I’m beginning to understand why old people say exactly what’s on their minds. I procrastinate, I'm self-conscious, I'm stubborn, I'm opinionated without being smart enough to back up most of my opinions, I lack political knowledge, I'm irresponsible with money, I'm selfish, I'm cynical, I have OCD tendencies...the list goes on. (FYI – I can hear you continuing this list in your head right now so please stop!)

The real issue comes after you identify the problem areas (a more positive person would probably refer to them as “areas of improvement”); marked improvements don’t always come as quickly and as easily as you might picture them in your mind. For that reason, you may have to rely on the help of others.

My husband and my brothers have grown accustomed to calling me out on my whining, complaining and judgmental comments. And I appreciate that. I now find myself laughing at…well…myself. Sometimes I even like to stir the pot by blatantly complaining about something ridiculous just to get a reaction out of them. (It’s funny when you’re there.)

If you ask me whether or not I complain more than the average person, I’m not really sure. How do you measure that? Yes, some complaints are justified, but MOST are just plain silly, especially complaints about things that we have no control over. When I hated my most recent haircut, my husband had to hear me say that I hated it 100 times in just 3 days. For some reason I just wasn't born with the natural ability to say “This haircut sucks, but it’s just hair. It will grow back.” See…there I go again…now I'm complaining about my inabilities.

I’m currently working on incorporating this phrase into my life: “Yes, (insert sucky subject here) sucks, but there’s nothing I can do to change it so let’s move on.”

But let's get back to the topic at hand. Today I am working on positivity.

The New York Times Travel section recently printed an article that listed the top 25 destinations in the northeast. You might want to sit down for this one because Lowell, MA, was #3 on that list. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? The person that wrote the article clearly hasn’t visited too many places in the northeast. (Oops...that wasn't a positive beginning.)

Now that I’ve been living in #3 Lowell for more than 3 years, I’ll be frank and say that I’ve never “loved” it, but I consider it to be “fine” and there are some new additions that are making it a better place to live. And since we’re not moving to Dublin anytime soon, I’ve decided to make a list (surprise, surprise) of the positive things about Lowell so that I can make the most of my time here.

1. I get to live in a pretty good-sized condo with the best guy and best dog in the world.
2. It’s a city, not a white suburban town.
3. I’m not embarrassed to say that I live there (mainly as a result of #2).
4. My sister lives down the street.
5. Two of our closest friends live within a few miles.
6. I can walk Little Jerry or run on the Riverwalk.
7. It’s not a bad commute to work.
8. The movie theater is never too crowded and it has stadium seating.
9. A cute new boutique called Humanity just opened up downtown.
10. I can drive to NH to purchase things tax-free. (Unlike my brother I do NOT have a “No NH Policy” although whenever I return home I do feel like I just visited another planet.)
11. The Good Times 5k Race is a fun weekly event.
12. The festivals are always a blast, particularly the Rib ‘n Brews Fest in September. (I love my microbrews!)
13. We are within walking distance of the downtown area, Lowell Beerworks, Lelacheur Park (home of the Spinners), Tsongas Arena, the post office, a liquor store, The Coffee Mill (our favorite local coffeehouse), Mambo Grill (our favorite burrito place), good sushi restaurants, Café Paradiso (for frozen watermelon martinis) and The Old Court (our favorite Irish pub in the area) – that should count as 11 things!!

Now, I know this post was supposed to focus on the POSITIVE, but did you really think I wasn’t going to include a list of negatives? In my defense, please note that the positive list is LONGER than the negative list. I’d call that “making satisfactory progress.”

1. It’s not Boston, Cambridge or Somerville. And going into Boston, Cambridge or Somerville on a weekend night is considered a “trek” and therefore must be carefully planned.
2. It’s too close to NH.
3. I drive past 6 Market Baskets on my way to a decent grocery store in Tewksbury.
4. I also have to drive to Tewksbury to workout in a decent gym. Unfortunately this often plays a major role in whether or not I actually make it to the gym on a given day.
5. Poor driving/pedestrian etiquette (see previous post dated 5/31/08).
6. Hearing gunshots in front of our house in the middle of the night (one time).
7. Witnessing a drug deal go down on the corner of our street (more than once).
8. The Reggaeton base coming from the unit next door.
9. There are very few “memorable” restaurants. We have our favorites, naturally, because we live here, but we won't find our all-time favorite restaurants in Lowell.

10. The nearest halfway-decent shopping mall is located in Burlington which means that I have to wear a disguise.

Here’s to positive thoughts!

You Will Be Missed...

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I have tears in my eyes as I write this post.

And I also can’t believe that I’m comparing this to an old post about reality TV and the fact that I always seem to get too attached to people I’ve never even met.

So, yes, as of 4 pm yesterday, it is the end of an era. And no longer do I have a hands-down favorite Boston athlete...or team, for that matter, as I'm not sure how interested I will be in the Red Sox anymore.

My favorite Boston team has changed several times over the course of my life, but only because my favorite athlete has changed over the years. My love for a specific sport has always been a direct result of my love for one specific athlete. The reasons behind my top-choices have varied from “he’s hot” to “he’s the best player on the team” to “he’s fun.” But when I add up the total number of years I have dedicated to one specific athlete or team, Manny and the Red Sox win. Hands down.

The Bruins suck. Hockey sucks. Tom Brady is dreamy but boring. Football gives me something to do on Sunday, but I will never fully understand the game and I don’t really care to (sorry Matt). And, yes, the Celtics are the world champions, but basketball puts me to bed earlier than football and I don’t consider any of the players on the team to be “exciting” (I used to be an Iverson fan).

While I completely understand the world of sports and the fact that athletes come and go, they get traded, they get hurt, they simply choose another team or they retire, I’m going to have a hard time getting over this one.

No, I did not know Manny personally. I can’t even quote his statistics. So, once again, I find myself wondering why I am so distraught over the loss of someone I never even knew.

People are always complaining that the game of baseball is boring. But for the past 7 years, Manny made it fun, exciting and easy to watch all 9 innings without ever changing the channel. Many fans had a love-hate relationship with him but, in my eyes, he simply could do no wrong.

So although you aren’t aware of my existence, Manny, I want you to know that I will miss you dearly.

IN MEMORIUM:

America Ain't So Beautiful

I am not a world traveler, nor do I claim to be. But just because I haven’t traveled the world does not mean that I am an idiot or any less "cultured" than someone who has. There are people out there who honestly believe that they are more intelligent or simply better than others because they have, indeed, traveled to many countries. In a lot of cases, they are correct.

However, the REAL difference between me and these people has less to do with being cultured or uncultured and more to do with wealth and/or the sheer luck of being born anywhere BUT the U.S. I can't control the fact that my grandfather was chased out of his hometown of Bantry, County Cork, Ireland and that somehow he selected Arlington, MA, to raise his family thus forcing me to be born in boring old America. I also can't control the fact that my mother, for her entire life, has despised flying or that we never really had the money to take a family of 6 on a vacation (flying with 4 kids doesn't sound like much of a vacation to me).

Now, I know what you're thinking. I SHOULD be grateful just to be alive, have freedom and a house. And I am. But, when it comes to being cultured, Europeans have a huge advantage over Americans; rather than drive to another state for a "holiday" Europeans can actually drive to a whole other country and experience a completely different language and culture. If they choose to, they can visit several different countries within one week. Unfortunately, an equivalent trip for us just means traveling ACROSS our country…big effing deal.

Before I go on, let me make one thing clear; I'm not blaming my parents, my grandparents or anyone else for my lack of worldly experience/knowledge, I'm just saying that it’s difficult for people in the U.S. to fully experience other cultures unless they can afford to travel quite a bit.

The very first time I got on a plane, I was 18 years old and a freshman in college. I went to Fort Lauderdale for spring break with my roommate and her family (so not much of “spring break” if you know what I mean). We stayed at her grandfather’s $7.5 million mansion on the intercoastal (yes you read that correctly…Demi Moore and Bruce Willis even rented the house for several months when they were still married and one of them was making a movie there). So, needless to say, even though I hadn’t left the U.S., this was a culture shock for me in a lot of ways: 1st time on a plane, 1st time visiting a state outside of New England, 1st time visiting “the south,” 1st time seeing palm trees, 1st time in a $7.5 million mansion, 1st time hanging out with extremely wealthy people. Yes, I was being exposed to a different culture, per se, but not a “worldly” culture.

When I arrived home from Florida, I realized that I had been bitten by the travel bug. Honestly, I don’t really mind the whole airport aggravation and, with the exception of a few rough, head-pain-inducing landings, I typically enjoy flying. And, call me crazy, but I STILL find myself amazed about the fact that one morning I can be walking the streets of Dublin and, that same afternoon, I find myself at Corner Cupboard in Billerica, MA, buying a 12-pack of Raspberry UFO. Talk about a change of venue.

Fortunately for me, I had a few college trips that led me out of the country and then I married someone who also likes to travel (he actually saves money for traveling). As a result, I've averaged about 1 trip per year for the past 12 years...not bad! However, most of these trips can't really be considered "cultural." I can’t count Jamaica because I spent the entire trip fearing for my life. And I’m not counting Montreal because I was only there for one night: New Year’s Eve, 1998 (my mother still thinks I spent the night in Haverhill at my friend Catherine’s house). I’m also not counting Bermuda or Aruba because we really just spent the entire time on the beach.

My recent trip to Ireland was my first, real, cultural trip.

And, once again, I’ve been bitten by the bug. Only this time, I’d like my next trip to be a little longer…

A few years ago, Matt and I casually discussed moving to a warmer climate and although the weather would be appealing, I immediately nixed the idea based on the fact that I couldn’t stand to be so far away from my family. I am also terrified by the idea of having to look for a new job. Fast forward to today and I’m suddenly plotting ways in which Matt and I can realistically drop everything here in MA and move to Dublin (not forever, just for a year or so). And, as Matt so profoundly stated, "it's easier to look for a new job when you already have one."

You’ll be happy to know that Matt did end up talking some sense into me, but I still can’t seem to shake the whole idea. I truly envy people who can and have dropped everything to begin a new life (maybe saying a “different life” would be more appropriate) in another location. I guess this is actually something that DOES impress me. At this point in my life, I feel like the only thing keeping me from not making such a drastic change is money; unfortunately I have a lot of debt at the moment and not much (nothing) saved.

And so, it’s back to reality.

Many people have been inquiring about our trip, so here’s a brief rundown…you know I love lists!

My top 5 favorite things about Ireland (in general):

1. The views.

Breathtaking mountains and patchwork farms go on for miles making it impossible to fully capture them in a photo.

2. People are EXTREMELY friendly.

Imagine THAT Massachusetts!

In Ireland, you always receive a friendly "finger point" (they opt for this over a wave of the hand) from the people driving past you. Pedestrians crossing the street ALWAYS give a thank you wave when you stop to let them walk by. Also, strangers in general often use the term "cheers" as a catchall phrase that can mean "thanks," "your welcome" or simply "cheers."

3. The pubs.

First, I'd like to debunk the rumor that Guinness is served warm and "tastes better in Ireland." It is quite cold and tastes exactly the same. On another note, many of you will appreciate this - tipping a bartender is actually frowned upon! Also, for some reason, bars in the U.S. have not yet caught on to possibly the best invention ever: hooks on that little 1/2 wall in front of each of barstool. These were probably invented for the jackets of the men who spent an entire day in a pub, but this is truly every girl’s dream. I never had to worry about where to hang my purse or the fact that it was on the floor or that someone might spill on it or, worse, steal it.

*Update: I have recently been to 2 bars in the Somerville/Cambridge area that have the wall hooks that I mentioned above. Maybe I just never noticed them before or maybe American bars are starting to catch on...I'm not really sure, but you can imagine my excitement when I discovered them at Bukowski's Tavern in Cambridge and Old Magoon's Saloon in Somerville.

4. There's no sweating the small stuff.

A few examples: Swears are not edited on TV or radio. Freshly baked goods aren't wrapped up in anything, they just sit there on the shelf in all their carbohydrate glory. There are very few, if any, irrational SUVs. Clothes are hung out to dry. IDs aren't checked. There are no waiting lists or beepers to be seated at a restaurant.

5. It’s not America.

My top 5 favorite things about Dublin:

1. Diversity. (Stuff White People Like!)

Walking down the streets and into shops you hear languages from all over the world and no one flinches or makes comments about “foreigners.”

2. Style.

The clothing trends are way ahead of the U.S. and you can pretty much wear whatever you want without being labeled “weird.” The majority of guys are hipsters and the girls actually wear dresses when they go out to bars/clubs on the weekends, choosing to look classy (I cringe whenever I use that word but it’s appropriate here) rather than skanky.

3. It's easy to feel like you fit in.

I never felt like I was being judged because of my clothes/appearance or my American accent (or, as I like to call it, my recovering Boston accent).

4. There are “food halls” on every corner.

Sort of the equivalent of a mini Whole Foods, a food hall sells fresh produce, bread, fish and meat. They usually have racks and racks of gourmet sauces, oils and herbs and – the best part – they usually have a café where you can sit and eat a fresh, warm scone and sip a cup of coffee so good you can drink it black…imagine THAT America!

5. The restaurants/pubs.

The food in Ireland is far better today than it was 10-20 years ago (from what I've been told). You don’t have to go very far to find a gastropub or Belgian beer ON TAP! Leave it to me to find a Belgian Beer Festival in the land of Guinness! In addition, several pubs have "beer gardens" (slightly different from "al fresco" it's an open air seating area WITHIN the restaurant itself) and/or "beer halls" (think of a German Oktoberfest atmosphere with long community tables). Also, you can order Indian until 5 am and it’s way spicier than U.S. Indian restaurants.

So what’s next? Well, Prague is at the top of my list but London, Milan, Venice, Athens and Munich aren’t far behind!

I'd Like a Bowl of Chowd-ER, Please.

Ok, so this is along the same lines as my last post but is anyone having a hard time dealing with this new phenomenon (or maybe not SO new) in which companies all over New England (and in some cases, around the country) are embracing the Boston accent?

Someone recently told me a story in which a young girl was convinced that “chowder” was actually spelled “chowdah” because that was the only way she had ever (evah?) seen it written. And I don’t doubt that. Here’s why…

-Across MA the word “chowdah” or “chowda” shows up on numerous menus and even in company names! Best example: “The Boston Chowda Company”

-The Bostonville Grill (ironically located in Lynnfield) serves “soups, chowdah and chili” and, the equally terrible, “Kraveable Kids Kuisine.” (Purposely misspelling words to create alliteration in your company name is a whole separate issue. Kids aren’t smart enough to realize that you’re trying to be all cute and creative. Heck, some adults aren’t even smart enough! Most likely, kids will read your menu and believe that “crave” and “cuisine” are supposed to be spelled with a “k” not a “c.” They will subsequently fail all of their spelling tests thus destroying their self-esteem all because of your company. Not to mention, is "craveable" even a word? Seriously, are we encouraging our kids to grow up stupid?)

-An online company, www.chowdaheadz.com, sells “wicked pissah stuff” including t-shirts that say “Green Monstah.”

-I recently ate some “Gummy Lobstahs” from L.L. Bean (delicious, despite the name).

-I even found restaurants in Georgia and Florida called the “Monstah Lobstah” that serve “N.E. clam chowdah” and “lobstah.” Go figure.

Do Bostonians really like this? Do they find it funny? Do tourists find it funny? In my opinion, it’s just plain unprofessional. There’s a difference between having pride in where you’re from and simply looking like an uneducated moron. I know the accent slips out in conversation, but can we please stop spelling “er” words with “ah” or “a” ON PURPOSE, especially in business?

Peeved, Anyone?

I know there are more important things to be concerned with (like war, poverty, starvation, etc.), but has anyone noticed the amount of erroneous words and phrases making their way into the English language and, in some cases, the dictionary?

As always, I’m not claiming that I’m perfect; we all make mistakes here and there. After all, the English language is one of THE most challenging languages to learn and understand. I’m pretty sure I’ll die without ever really knowing the difference between “awhile” and “a while.”

But isn’t there at least one person in your life who ALWAYS says “supposably” in conversation or writes “then” instead of “than” in their emails and it secretly drives you insane? The first time it happens you think it’s a simple mistake, but then you realize the person does this all the time and yet you don’t ever correct him/her.

Believe it or not, I think I fall somewhere in the middle when it comes to opinions on this. While I do find myself getting highly annoyed by certain misspellings, misuses and mispronunciations, I’ve met some people who are much more unforgiving. (I guess I have to be more forgiving, though, because I haven’t come close to mastering the language myself. For example, even though I know they’re incorrect, I still say “gonna” and “a whole nother.”)

Getting back to my point, it’s recently come to my attention that some mistakes, when made often enough, eventually become widely accepted. Thus beginning the dumbing down of America!

Below is a list of mistakes that truly aggravate me. Some of them can actually be found in the dictionary, but others cannot (yet). I’ve left out some of the most common annoyances such as the misuse of the apostrophe. Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect. In fact, I encourage you to call me out on my own mistakes! Please post a comment as I’d prefer NOT to look like an idiot, thank you.

Irregardless
Yes it was listed, but thankfully http://www.dictionary.com/ has this to say about the word:

Usage Note: Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.

Revert back
From the Department of Redundancy Department. The definition of revert is “to go back” so to say “revert back” is redundant. Leave “revert” alone.

Supposably
After doing some research, I’ve learned that supposably is an adverb, but it’s often used incorrectly in place of supposedly (this is what I find annoying). Apparently supposably can be used only when the meaning is 'capable of being supposed,' and then only in the U.S.

Expresso
No “x.” Just espresso. Make sure you get it right the next time you’re in Starbucks (or, better yet, an independent coffee house - hopefully your town has one).

Here are some phrases…

“I could care less.”
Oh, so you’re saying you COULD care less? That means you somewhat care. The correct phrase is “I could not care less.”

Vice-a Versa
There’s no “a” people; it’s just vice versa! As in “Miami Vice” or “I want to put my head in a vice when people say this incorrectly.”

“I feel nauseous.”
Nauseous means causing nausea or sickening so you are basically saying that you feel you make others sick. Next time say “I feel nauseated.”

“How does it look like?"
This may only be common among non-native English speakers (if that’s the case then I will be much more understanding) but you should be saying “What does it look like?” or “How does it look?”

And some common misspellings…

Definately – incorrect
Definitely – correct

Reccommend – incorrect
Recommend – correct

Seperate – incorrect
Separate – correct

Grammer – incorrect
Grammar – correct

Alot – incorrect
A lot - correct

So those are just a few of mine…what would you add to this list??

I Need Help Proscrastinating!

I know I already alluded to reality TV in a previous post but, since there is NOTHING on TV during the summer months, I'm looking for some help.

I just finished watching the season finale of the reality show that I have remained so loyal to over the years: The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. I can't really explain why I like this show so much except for the fact that, several seasons in a row now, I have guessed the winner the second he/she stepped out of the limo on the first episode. I'm not saying I'm awesome just that it might actually be one of my greatest talents (which makes me the opposite of awesome).

For those of you who do not watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, DeAnna Pappas was this season's bachelorette who was "scorned" on the last season of The Bachelor when Brad Womack "led her on" and didn't choose either of the final women on the season finale. DeAnna was determined to find her "happy ending" so she returned as "The Bachelorette" to choose a husband from 25 men hand-picked from around the country. (Once again I have to thank Comcast for creating DVR so that I didn't have to listen to this same nonsense at the beginning of the show each week.)

Now, clearly I've never met DeAnna but what happens with these reality shows is that the audience (me included) tends to get so caught up in the show that they end up believing that they DO know the people involved. To me, DeAnna appeared to be a nice, genuine person looking for love and looking for someone to settle down with. Along the way, she did a great job of weeding out the tools (or, as my brother would say, "chuckas") no matter how physically attracted she was to them. And I commended her for that.

When it came down to the season finale and the final two bachelors, I thought it was in the bag for Jason (my original pick from episode 1), the nice, grounded, normal guy (who happened to have a kid but that shouldn't matter, in theory). However, as I watched the finale, I knew that my prediction would not be correct this time.

I am onto ABC and their silly little tactics. Their strategy was to overwhelm us with footage of DeAnna and Jason and lead us to believe that she would pick Jason. But she did not. Week after week DeAnna reiterated her painful story of being led on by the previous bachelor. Well, this time not only was Jason led on, so was the audience.

Instead of Jason, DeAnna chose Jesse, the "professional snowboarder" who never stopped using the word "like" during conversations with DeAnna's family and who also showed her family members how to say goodbye with a fist-to-fist bump and "explosion." He made me embarrassed FOR him. And then I was embarrassed for her. And then anger set in. But why? What do I care? They are, after all, two 26-year-old people whom I have never met. And who am I to say that they were or were not right for each other?

I realize now that it was Jason that I liked much more than DeAnna. I didn't want to see him get his heart broken again. And I didn't want him to have wasted all that time away from his son to try to "win" this woman who may not even be right for him.

Pathetic, I know. The few reality shows that I DO get wrapped up in always seem to disappoint so why do I even bother? Why set myself up for disappointment each time? Or why let myself even care about these people?

So, after spending WAY too much time watching and analyzing this foolish television show, I am forced to move on to the next foolish show. The season premiere of Lost is a painful 6 months away and the summer is filled to the brim with reruns and the worst of the worst in terms of reality TV. (Although I will confess that I've had a few chuckles watching people fall head first on the Wipeout obstacle course.)

I need some help finding some decent TV as I eagerly await the start of the Olympics (I'm a sucker for gymnastics and all the obscure events airing at 3 or 4 in the morning). It certainly doesn't help that I put my Netflix account on hold for the summer (don't even ask why). On top of that, I have always been excited about the summer movie season but Indiana Jones seems to have left a bad taste in my mouth. It's the only movie I've seen thus far and the only other movie I'm looking forward to is The Dark Knight (just like the rest of the world, I guess).

Just to clarify - I am NOT sitting around watching TV all day. I swear I am getting out during the day and I have read 3 novels since school ended. What I should be doing, though, is working on the assignments for the summer course that I'm taking. Somehow that textbook has remained unopened. Red Sox, the internet, grilling, reading (books I like), TV, the beach, enjoying a few cocktails, relaxing and exercising are all much more appealing. My summer, thus far, is proof that the more free time you have, the less productive you are.

So, when I do find myself around a TV this time of year, this is what I'm usually watching:

- Red Sox games
- America's Next Food Network Star
- Jeopardy (flipping back and forth between that and the Sox game)
- Channel 5 news
- Regis & Kelly (even though I can't stand how much she is in love with herself and that she never stops flexing her arms for the camera)
- TMZ
- Seinfeld
- The Secret Life of the American Teenager (desperation set in and now I'm locked in)
- Food Network (in general)

It's a pathetic list so if you have any recommendations, please let me know!

Otherwise I'll be forced to crack that textbook.

Paper? Clocks? You Must Be Joking.

My one year wedding anniversary is exactly one week from today. I CANNOT believe how quickly time has passed. So, while I'm completely depressed about NOT jumping on a plane in 3 days to marry my best friend (SO cliche, I know, but truer than true in my situation) on the beach in Bermuda, I AM excited about our 1-year celebration.

For a few weeks now, I've been agonizing over anniversary gift ideas for my husband, Matt. If you know me at all then you know that I HATE traditions so this whole idea of themed anniversary gifts is just one more thing for me to make fun of and laugh at.

You may already be aware that, traditionally, the 1st year wedding anniversary is known as the "paper" anniversary, but it's recently come to my attention that there are now modern themes for anniversaries as well. Apparently the traditional list of anniversary themes and gift ideas hasn't stood the test of time. No pun intended but clocks have become the "modern" 1st anniversary theme.

I found some of the traditional to modern theme changes pretty interesting, actually. For example...

• Leather moved from the 3rd year theme to the 9th year theme. Apparently that's something women are willing to wait for.
• China has jumped from the 20th year to the 2nd year. Similarly, crystal has jumped from 15 years to only 3 years. Evidently these are things women cannot wait for.
• Wood slipped from year 5 to year 6, altogether eliminating candy from the list. I don't know about you, but I'd MUCH prefer a bag of Swedish fish or Reese's peanut butter cups over something made of wood.
• Desk sets have now replaced copper/wood for the 7-year theme. Yes, you read that correctly. I cannot even wager a guess on this one.
• Maybe not surprising is the fact that diamonds now make 2 appearances on the list. They remain the 75th anniversary theme, but they have now overtaken tin as the 10th year theme. Clearly this decision was made because no one in their right mind (literally) makes it to their 75th wedding anniversary so there was no point in changing it.
• Appliances have replaced flowers as the 4-year theme. Doesn't this go against the gift-giving etiquette we've been trying to instill in men since the 50's??

But I guess these changes make perfect sense for today's modern, materialistic, Sex and the City generation of women. Approximately 50% of first marriages in America end in divorce (the rate is higher for second and third marriages) so women, evidently, are looking for bigger, better, more expensive "things" that prove they can, indeed, put up with the same man for several years in a row. I mean, what else says "I love you" like a clock, right? In fact, the things on this list are so inane that I wouldn't be surprised if shoes and handbags were added in the years to come. And, from there, maybe it will get more specific to include Christian Louboutin shoes or an Hermes handbag.

And what about Hollywood? They must have their own, special list that omits everything except platinum and diamonds.

Getting back to the original list, though, I'm having some difficulty deciding which 1st year anniversary option is worse: paper or clocks? Do people still buy grandfather clocks? Cuckoo clocks? Engraved mantle clocks? I guess a wall clock might be nice, but I'm perfectly satisfied with the 2 wall clocks we have from Target and Pier 1. A watch might be nice, I guess, but Matt already has 2 of those. And certainly an alarm clock doesn't count, right? (Because you ARE aware that the alarm clock is one of my nemeses.) Why would ANY woman have a reason to give her husband an alarm clock as a 1st anniversary gift unless she's sending a message that he needs to be more punctual? After watching me change into a 7th outfit before going out, HE would be more justified giving ME an alarm clock.

After pondering this for a little while on my own, I decided to (yet again) seek advice from my trusty BFF. You may know her. Her name is Google. I will share with you some of her suggestions...

1. Books
I can't see myself buying my husband an "anniversary book." I guess I could buy him the new "Stuff White People Like" book. Or maybe this means I should write him a book? No, by the time I finish, it would no longer be our paper anniversary.
2. Stationery
Huh? He's perfectly satisfied using the back of an opened envelope.
3. Board games & puzzles
Huh?
4. Posters
Like the posters we had on our UMass dorm walls? Nothing says "Happy Anniversary" like an enlarged picture of Bob Marley smokin somethin.
5. Photos
Photos of the wedding? We already saw those.
6. Calendar
HE already did this for ME...sigh.
7. Tickets
Coldplay is August 4th so I wouldn't mind being on the RECEIVING end of some tickets...
8. Paintings
A painting is meaningless to everyone but the painter and the subject. Does this mean I should paint something myself and use Matt as my subject?
9. Coupons
Like an IOU? I may as well buy him a piece of cheese. Or maybe it means that I should buy the Sunday Globe for my husband and hand him the coupon section?

Hmmm...I'm thinking I may need to break up with Google because none of these ideas has "us" written all over it. She doesn't know us as well as I thought she did...

Upon deeming Google useless for this task, I decided to brainstorm my own list of 1st year "paper" anniversary gift ideas. Ladies and gentlemen, feel free to steal my ideas if you wish...

1. A piece of computer paper
If it's blank then HE gets to choose how to use it.
2. The Sunday Globe
Well it IS more substantial and more expensive than the Monday through Saturday Globe...and there's more paper involved...and there are coupons.
3. The bill for our 1-year anniversary dinner at the Oak Room
It shouldn't be TOO expensive, right?
4. Our marriage certificate
Just as a reminder, I guess?
5. A $15 parking ticket
Like the one I got in Newton Center last week while trying (and failing) to find the perfect (new) pair of jeans at National Jean Co.
6. Toilet paper
For sh*** and giggles (literally).
7. A grocery list
I'll buy if he flies.
8. Driving directions or a map
Any guy needs this. And a Garmin Nuvi would be too expensive...not to mention it doesn't fit the theme.
9. My paycheck
Ha ha...just the stub, of course, because I have direct deposit.
10. A "honey do" list
With a deadline.
11. A blank check
Because it will likely bounce.

OR

12. The ultimate...divorce papers!

Ok...so I'm kidding, of course, but I just can't help poking fun at ridiculous traditions.

After spending all this time trying to come up with creative 1st year anniversary gift ideas, I've decided to just stick with a card (and probably the Oak Room bill). After all, in less than 2 weeks, we will have the BEST "paper" gifts in our hands: 2 plane tickets to Ireland.

Wish you were coming...

Geeks Don't Have to Rule the World

Seriously, what did we do before the internet? Monday was my last day of work before the long-awaited summer vacation and what do I come home to? A computer without an internet connection. Of course, the Xbox seems to be working fine. Just my luck…maybe Matt has something to do with this…

Normally, when our computer acts up, I wait for Matt to get home to try to solve the problem, but because I’m on VACATION, it is vital that I get this problem solved as quickly as possible. Also, because of the generation we grew up in, our combined knowledge of computers really is quite minimal, maybe equal to that of a current 2nd grader. Most of the time we pretend to know what the problem is so we click on several different icons thinking that we can solve it on our own, but if one of us does fix it, it's usually a result of sheer luck.

This time it is only minutes before I am on the phone with a Comcast technician. Thankfully she can’t see me trembling from nervousness as I try to pretend that I know what she’s talking about and that I know what I’m doing. First, she tells to me to click on the “tools” button and I immediately go for the “start” menu and cannot find tools. She’s already onto the 3rd or 4th step and I’m still looking for tools. We’re only 30 seconds into our conversation and I have to admit to her that “I can’t find tools.” She tells me that it’s located on Internet Explorer and of course I look in the top right corner of my screen and immediately feel like a moron. Great. There’s no redeeming myself after this one. Next, she has me telling her which lights are flashing on the modem and the router. Really, I am just relieved that I was able to figure out the difference between the modem and the router without having to ask. Alas, after following through with a few more orders, I realize that we (and by “we” I mean “she”) cannot diagnose the problem. I will not have internet access today. My vacation is ruined.

It has now been 5 days and we still do not have internet access because Matt’s “guy” is on vacation and Geeksquad costs $79 for one hour! Right now, I am at work just to check email and type this post.

The internet has become a crutch for people around the world. Kids today do not know a life without the internet. And it’s quite evident; I have witnessed, first hand, how much they rely on it (Stop plagiarizing already! You’re gonna get caught!). I, on the other hand, DO know a life without the internet and, believe it or not, I am grateful for that time.

I was first introduced to a computer in elementary school. Once a week, we would go to the computer lab to play Oregon Trail. I remember the terrible graphics and assigning my own family members’ names to each character in my wagon. In hindsight, I’m shocked that more students didn’t end up in the guidance office in tears after playing this game. After all, it’s got to be a bit traumatic having your brother die of cholera on the Oregon Trail. I also remember the teacher (when she was in a good mood) allowing us to make 10-page long “Happy Birthday” signs in which each letter was made up of several smaller versions of the same letter and the paper had the perforated edges that you had to tear off.

My computer use was pretty consistent all the way up through high school. In middle school, Mrs. Reber taught us how to type using "QWERTY" in between reminding us that her name was a palindrome. From middle school to high school we had one computer in each classroom and student use was typically limited to “lab time.” I knew only a few people that actually owned a computer and, unfortunately for me, it wasn’t a priority for my family (although we had every single video game system that you can imagine).

When I started having to write long papers in high school, I actually asked for a typewriter one Christmas. (Of course I got the damn typewriter because we always got everything we asked for.) Even in high school I was pulling all-nighters, typing papers while lying on my stomach on the living room floor, bottle of white out in hand and papers strewn all over the room (usually ripped out of the typewriter in a fit of rage over a margin mistake). I look back on this and simply laugh. If I had a computer, I could’ve written those papers in ¼ of the time, gotten a good night’s sleep and maybe even stayed for the entire school day the following day rather than get dismissed after turning in the paper.

Then came college. Unlike every freshman entering college THIS fall, I arrived at UMass without a computer. My wealthy roommate, whose parents were both doctors, obviously brought one of her own and graciously allowed me to use it. We were given our own email addresses when we arrived, but I can’t recall using it or giving it out until junior year. Junior year was the same year that one of our “guy friends” got a DVD player for Christmas and I watched a DVD player for the very first time. The cell phone, believe it or not, did not come until AFTER my college graduation.

Why am I reminiscing? Well, I’ve recently come to appreciate the generation in which I grew up. Maybe I will never fully understand the ins and outs of a computer and I’ll always have to rely on someone else to fix my computer problems, but I’m okay with that. I like the fact that I knew a time without a computer, without the internet, without a cell phone. Things seemed a lot simpler then. Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly grateful for each and every groundbreaking technological advancement (a big shout out to Apple, especially, for making the iPod), but I feel very privileged to have experienced a time without these “things.” And I’m hopeful that, when given he opportunity to raise my own kids, I can bring back some of the simplicity that I experienced as a kid and so vividly remember as an adult.

Have a happy 4th of July!
I will be away all week in a beach house with no computer.
And, suddenly, I’m looking forward to it.

nem•e•sis –noun, plural –ses

1. something that a person cannot conquer, achieve, etc.: The performance test proved to be my nemesis.
2. an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best or overcome.
3. (initial capital letter) Classical Mythology. the goddess of divine
retribution.
4. an agent or act of retribution or punishment.

(From www.dictionary.reference.com)

It’s no secret that I’m passionate about the things I love and passionate about the things I hate. “Nemesis” happens to be one of my favorite words of all time. I love to overuse it by throwing it around unnecessarily in order to express (and exaggerate) my hatred for someone or something. In fact, I use it so much that last year my friend, Amber, and I had a conversation in which we were trying to figure out the plural form of nemesis and we came up with a lot of great alternatives that we still use today.

Nemeses, as you know, have been made famous by comic books and movies, but we can’t deny that we all have at least one of our own. Maybe our nemeses aren't as notorious as Darth Vader and Lex Luthor and our reasons for hating them aren't as legitimate as Luke Skywalker's and Superman's, but we DO have them.

Think about it.

You have your childhood nemesis, your high school nemesis, your college nemesis, your workplace nemesis, your neighborhood nemesis, your town nemesis, your gym nemesis, your celebrity nemesis, your political nemesis, your pro sports team nemesis…

And the list goes on.

Even Little Jerry has nemeses. Like the stray cat that taunts him by sitting at the end of our walkway and staring at him through the window, Scooby (our next door neighbors’ stupid Pomeranian that always jumps on his back), the vet, a stuffed Wicket doll, squirrels, bridges, the hairdryer, the vacuum.

In most cases, my nemeses don’t even know that they’re my nemeses and, in many cases, my nemeses aren’t even people. It doesn't make us bad people for having nemeses; you must remember that the nemesis is the bad person/thing, not you!

The following is a list of people/things I’ve referred to as “my nemesis” over the years. You’ll notice that many of the things on my list are completely irrational. In fact, I went to a BBQ at my friend Jessica’s this weekend and a former nemesis (who will remain nameless, for now) happened to show up there. When I told everyone that my nemesis had arrived, they asked me why he was my nemesis. Now, in my own mind, the reasons are endless, but the only response I could verbalize at the time was that he wears tube socks with sneakers and shorts. Apparently Elaine Benes has rubbed off on me.

People:
• Steve Carrell
• People who beat me at trivia games & sports
• Anyone who doesn’t wipe down machines or rack weights at the gym
• George W. Bush
• Paris Hilton
• Guys who wear wife beaters out in public
• Girls who (still) wear Uggs with mini skirts
• PETA
• The people down the street who leave dirty diapers, single shoes, filthy stuffed animals, Heineken bottles, winter jackets & last night’s leftover casserole strewn all over their yard
• Ben Stiller
• Tom Cruise
• People who don’t pick up after their dogs
• People who tailgate me when I’m already going 85 mph in the fast lane
• Curt Schilling
• Bon Jovi
• People who go to the gym for social reasons and never break a sweat

Things/Objects:
• Ford Mustangs
• Numerous jars/bottles that I’ve been unable to open
• Mosquitoes
• Sundays
• Wasabi
• The red light on my office phone that indicates I have a message waiting
• Bruises
• Pimples
• The sun
• The rain
• The wind
• The snow
• The Herald
• Jagermeister
• Xbox 360
• The line at the post office
• Football
• The alarm clock
• Shoes that gave me blisters
• WAAF
• “Spoof” movies
• The scale

Actions/Activities (strange, I know):
• Drying my hair
• Folding laundry
• Finding a parking space at the mall
• Running
• Emptying the dishwasher
• Making the bed
• Putting on sunscreen
• Engaging in small talk
• Trying things on in the fitting room
• Waking up

So, tell me, who or what is your nemesis? You know you have one...or ten.

Happy Father's Day, Dad

You'll be happy to know that I'm remembering to "be good" and to "be careful." But mostly, and on this day especially, I just like remembering you.

Not For Love of the Game

I went to work today...saw 6 Celtics shirts.

After work I went to the gym...saw 3 Celtics shirts.

Then I went to the grocery store...saw 2 Celtics shirts.

That's more Celtics shirts in 1 day than I've seen in the past 10 years!

What I can't escape more than Celtics shirts, though, are the complaints about the 9 pm tipoffs. If I hear one more person talk about how unfair it is to the kids, I might lose my mind. Literally. Do these people not understand that the NBA is trying to maximize its earning potential? And hasn't anyone realized that it simply means staying up late for a maximum of 7 nights out of 365 days in a year (366 this year)? You mean to tell me that kids haven't stayed up late for other, more ridiculous reasons? What about all those times they wet the bed and then have to stand there next to the bed while you tear off all the sheets, put them in the washing machine and remake the bed with clean sheets? You mean to tell me they got a good night's sleep all those nights? At least this is something they WANT to stay awake for.

Listen, the weather is warm, it's the end of the school year, summer is just around the corner and Boston is watching its 3rd pro sports team play in the finals in less than a year. No one should be complaining.

So while everyone else is whining, I'm simply wondering whether or not tonight will be the night that I, personally, am able to stay awake for an entire Celtics game for the first time in my life (without actually being at the game). This is a sign I'm getting old, I know. But please don't confuse my wondering with everyone else's whining. I have no problem admitting that I have fallen asleep for each and every one of the playoff games so far. And I'm fine with that. I don't claim to be a Superfan. Just like I stayed up to watch the Kooks on Monday night, I plan to stay awake to watch a Celtics playoff game when it actually matters (by my definition, that's when one team is about to win its 4th game). Until then, I will do my best to stay awake, but I can't make any promises. And here's why...

Just the other night I was home alone and I sat down to watch Game 3 by myself. After 5 minutes, I realized that I hadn't even been paying attention to the game, which is strange because I was staring at the TV for those 5 minutes. What was I doing during that time? I honestly have no idea, but I DO know that my lack of attention has nothing to do with a lack of understanding. Basketball is one of the easier sports to follow (and I MAY have hit the parquet, myself, back in the day for the Town Rec Department).

I guess, just like anything else, my opinion has changed. The Celtics playing in the finals has made me realize that I just don't LOVE basketball. Add that to the list with football.

It's no surprise that baseball is, by far, my favorite professional sport. But the truth is, I will watch ANY sport if it means hanging out and having a good time with friends and family. Case in point: I have despised soccer since I was in kindergarten. Half way through our first game, I ran off the field to tell my mother that I was quitting. Yet, 23 years later (2 years ago), I find myself at a bar in the North End watching every second of the World Cup finals and having the time of my life. If only we didn't have to wait 4 years for every World Cup!

When I was younger (in high school and college), I was a Superfan of Boston sports, in general. I've gone through phases that have included obsessions with Dwight Evans, Don Sweeney, Tim Naehring, Drew Bledsoe and Nomar Garciaparra, just to name a few. I was an avid fan of Sportscenter and WEEI and, for a girl, was actually fairly knowledgeable about sports (specifically baseball).

Part of the reason this Superfan behavior manifested itself was because I wanted the boys to think I was cool. I think it worked, at least for a short period of time. As I've grown older, I've played witness to the growing number of "pink hats" and female sportscasters in the professional sports world. Call me sexest, but I just can't find it in me to take them seriously - no matter how knowledgeable they are. This realization has helped me put an end to my own charades. No longer do I feel the need to be overly knowledgeable about sports, just to impress. This doesn't mean that I am no longer knowledgeable about sports; it just means that I've chosen to reveal fewer thoughts and opinions around sports. After all, I don't aspire to be the next Tina Cervasio or Heidi Watney; they annoy people more than they inform people.

Tonight, I am watching the Celtics by myself again. So, excuse me while I go fall asleep during the game.

LOST: Blackberry Pearl, Monday Night at The Paradise

If we've had a discussion since last Friday then you probably already know that I ended up scoring tickets for last night’s Kooks show at the Paradise. After having a few beverages one night last week, I was able to “win” two tickets on eBay. Some people choose to drink and drive, others drink and dial. I guess I’m guilty of drunk online shopping.

UNLIKE drunk driving, you're not risking your life and the lives of others, you won’t end up in jail, your reputation won’t be tarnished and you won’t lose your job.

And UNLIKE drunk dialing, you won’t end up regretfully sleeping with an ex or, even worse, sleeping with someone you met at a lame Faneuil Hall bar, doing the walk of shame the following morning with raccoon eyes and your shirt on backwards and then, of course, having to make a trip to CVS to purchase an EPT two weeks later.

Instead, drunk shopping allows you to make irrational purchases that you will either A.) immediately justify upon receiving or B.) fight mall traffic in order to return for a refund (keeping in mind that your shipping and handling fees are non-refundable so basically you just spent $12 on a frustrating mall experience).

At first, the Kooks tickets (or any tickets, for that matter) might seem like an irrational purchase worth a refund. It's true that if I were thinking rationally, at the time, I may have argued that the tickets weren't going to be worth the money because it’s just a one-time event that’s over in a few hours and I’ll have to shell out more money when I get there, yada, yada, yada. Concert tickets are NOT a pair of True Religions or Tory Burch flats that I can justify as an “investment.” However, they ARE non-refundable. So option B wasn’t really an option, in this case, was it?

After using the process of elimination, I chose option A and immediately justified my purchase. After all, I wasn’t able to get tickets to last year’s sold out show, I already have too many regrets about passing up other shows at my favorite small venues and I’m President of the Kooks fan club (so my brothers’ say). Not to mention, the tickets only cost me $10 more than the face value. Those are pretty good rationales, right?

I’m happy to report that purchasing these tickets turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Yes, the show was on a Monday night, the 18+ factor made me feel like a coug and I’m now sans cell phone, but it was totally worth it! Despite a mediocre review from Joan Anderman of the Boston Globe, I thought the Kooks were AMAZING live (did you really think I'd say otherwise?)! The fact that her name is "Joan" tells me that she's too old to fully appreciate them.

Anyway, the best part was that they wasted NO time talking to the audience (except to say “we’re the Kooks” in their awesome, thick British accents). This, in turn, allowed them to fit in most of the tunes from their 2 albums. After all, I go to concerts to hear live music, not to take pictures and scream when the lead singer disingenuously tells the audience that Boston fans are the BEST!

If you’ve never heard them before, please download a few songs. It’s British pop, it’s fun, it’s catchy and what makes them stand out, in my opinion, is the fact that they don't pretend to be anything they are not and their voices are so distinctly British (unlike the British people who typically sing with American accents).

Some song suggestions: Naïve, She Moves in Her Own Way, Always Where I Need to Be, Shine On and Seaside (which we played at our wedding).

Oh, and by the way, if you’re trying to call me, it will probably take a few days for me to either A.) buy a new cell phone or B.) find my old one. I’m guessing I’m going to have to go with option A again. And you'll be happy to know that I won’t be having any drinks before that purchase.

Someone's Paying Attention.

That was fast. It looks like someone answered the question from my last post.

Although I don't know Paul Dergarabedian (president of Media by the Numbers) personally, he must read my blog. I found the following quote from him in yesterday's Opinion section of the Boston Globe:

"This is to women what Indiana Jones and 'Star Wars,' let's say, are to men."
(referring to the $55.7 million earned by Sex and the City)

In other words, this guy's telling me that I'm a dude. As you can imagine, this wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for.

If only more women would realize that beneath all the action in Star Wars and Indiana Jones, there are two love stories.

I Prefer Beer, Thank You.

Is it possible that Kung Fu Panda has what it takes?

I sure hope so. Otherwise we're counting on You Don't Mess with the Zohan. And we all know Adam Sandler has passed his prime. (Although, after writing this I learned that Zohan got a better Globe review than Panda.)

What am I getting at, exactly? I am looking, hoping, praying for Sex and the City to once and for all leave my life forever.

Four years ago, I felt a huge sense of relief when "SATC" finally went off the air. I was hopeful that American women would, at long last, move on and find real, distinguished, noble "heroines" to model themselves after. Little did I know that a movie was in the works and the Sex Superfans were extremely loyal.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how girly I try to be, I will never fully understand the hype around this show. Seriously, what is so "groundbreaking" about 4 women sipping cosmopolitans, obsessing over shoes and talking about sex? Sex jokes are old and juvenile, not groundbreaking. Let's leave the giggling to the teenagers.

The fact that so many women have been enraptured by this show and its characters has made me embarrassed to be female. Not that I possess any feminist qualities, whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony have spent the past week rolling around in their graves. Thank you, SJP, for leading us to this regression.

On the surface, the show appears as though it would be right up my alley. It’s about 4 females. I’m female. The women are “older.” I’m getting there. The women are very much into fashion. Me too. It takes place in N.Y. I had a blast the one time I went there.

That's where it ends.

At first, I was slightly alarmed by the fact that I did not like the show. While every other woman in the world was raving about it, I was still trying to find one redeeming quality. Was there something wrong with me?

So I asked myself…

Am I not feminine enough? Maybe I’m not old enough? Maybe I’m not fashionable enough? I certainly don’t earn enough money to purchase a pair of Manolos and the characters do take a lot of absurd fashion risks that even the most famous celebrities would laugh at.

Have I not spent enough time in NY? Maybe I’m not successful enough? Maybe it's because I'd choose a beer over a cosmo any day of the week. Or maybe I don’t talk about sex enough?

Or maybe…

I’m not narcissistic enough, rich enough, dramatic enough, materialistic enough, self-absorbed enough, desperate enough, raunchy enough, exhibitionistic enough, cliche enough, whiny enough, single enough, promiscuous enough, man-crazy enough, vulgar enough or slutty enough.

I definitely gossip enough. And shop enough. But these are things I try not to advertise because I'M EMBARRASSED BY THEM.

Honestly, I've given the show a try, on a few occasions, but I can't stomach an entire episode. I just don't care about these 4 women. And I certainly don't connect with them. On ANY level. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only people that have a real connection with these characters are spoiled housewives with too much time on their hands and women who are looking for an outlet because they're feeling miserable in their own relationships.

How did these women become our role models? What appealing qualities do they possess? Or is it the things they possess that are appealing?

For as much as I love fashion, shopping, gossip and a fun G.N.O., I certainly do not find myself yearning for the lifestyles these women have (that's called jealousy, ladies, and these women are not worthy of our jealousy). Face it, if you take away the fancy, designer clothes and move the characters to another city, all that's left is 4 not-so-attractive, foul-mouthed cougars.

In that case, we wouldn't be calling them heroines. We'd be calling them WT.