I Prefer Beer, Thank You.

Is it possible that Kung Fu Panda has what it takes?

I sure hope so. Otherwise we're counting on You Don't Mess with the Zohan. And we all know Adam Sandler has passed his prime. (Although, after writing this I learned that Zohan got a better Globe review than Panda.)

What am I getting at, exactly? I am looking, hoping, praying for Sex and the City to once and for all leave my life forever.

Four years ago, I felt a huge sense of relief when "SATC" finally went off the air. I was hopeful that American women would, at long last, move on and find real, distinguished, noble "heroines" to model themselves after. Little did I know that a movie was in the works and the Sex Superfans were extremely loyal.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how girly I try to be, I will never fully understand the hype around this show. Seriously, what is so "groundbreaking" about 4 women sipping cosmopolitans, obsessing over shoes and talking about sex? Sex jokes are old and juvenile, not groundbreaking. Let's leave the giggling to the teenagers.

The fact that so many women have been enraptured by this show and its characters has made me embarrassed to be female. Not that I possess any feminist qualities, whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony have spent the past week rolling around in their graves. Thank you, SJP, for leading us to this regression.

On the surface, the show appears as though it would be right up my alley. It’s about 4 females. I’m female. The women are “older.” I’m getting there. The women are very much into fashion. Me too. It takes place in N.Y. I had a blast the one time I went there.

That's where it ends.

At first, I was slightly alarmed by the fact that I did not like the show. While every other woman in the world was raving about it, I was still trying to find one redeeming quality. Was there something wrong with me?

So I asked myself…

Am I not feminine enough? Maybe I’m not old enough? Maybe I’m not fashionable enough? I certainly don’t earn enough money to purchase a pair of Manolos and the characters do take a lot of absurd fashion risks that even the most famous celebrities would laugh at.

Have I not spent enough time in NY? Maybe I’m not successful enough? Maybe it's because I'd choose a beer over a cosmo any day of the week. Or maybe I don’t talk about sex enough?

Or maybe…

I’m not narcissistic enough, rich enough, dramatic enough, materialistic enough, self-absorbed enough, desperate enough, raunchy enough, exhibitionistic enough, cliche enough, whiny enough, single enough, promiscuous enough, man-crazy enough, vulgar enough or slutty enough.

I definitely gossip enough. And shop enough. But these are things I try not to advertise because I'M EMBARRASSED BY THEM.

Honestly, I've given the show a try, on a few occasions, but I can't stomach an entire episode. I just don't care about these 4 women. And I certainly don't connect with them. On ANY level. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only people that have a real connection with these characters are spoiled housewives with too much time on their hands and women who are looking for an outlet because they're feeling miserable in their own relationships.

How did these women become our role models? What appealing qualities do they possess? Or is it the things they possess that are appealing?

For as much as I love fashion, shopping, gossip and a fun G.N.O., I certainly do not find myself yearning for the lifestyles these women have (that's called jealousy, ladies, and these women are not worthy of our jealousy). Face it, if you take away the fancy, designer clothes and move the characters to another city, all that's left is 4 not-so-attractive, foul-mouthed cougars.

In that case, we wouldn't be calling them heroines. We'd be calling them WT.