Paper? Clocks? You Must Be Joking.

My one year wedding anniversary is exactly one week from today. I CANNOT believe how quickly time has passed. So, while I'm completely depressed about NOT jumping on a plane in 3 days to marry my best friend (SO cliche, I know, but truer than true in my situation) on the beach in Bermuda, I AM excited about our 1-year celebration.

For a few weeks now, I've been agonizing over anniversary gift ideas for my husband, Matt. If you know me at all then you know that I HATE traditions so this whole idea of themed anniversary gifts is just one more thing for me to make fun of and laugh at.

You may already be aware that, traditionally, the 1st year wedding anniversary is known as the "paper" anniversary, but it's recently come to my attention that there are now modern themes for anniversaries as well. Apparently the traditional list of anniversary themes and gift ideas hasn't stood the test of time. No pun intended but clocks have become the "modern" 1st anniversary theme.

I found some of the traditional to modern theme changes pretty interesting, actually. For example...

• Leather moved from the 3rd year theme to the 9th year theme. Apparently that's something women are willing to wait for.
• China has jumped from the 20th year to the 2nd year. Similarly, crystal has jumped from 15 years to only 3 years. Evidently these are things women cannot wait for.
• Wood slipped from year 5 to year 6, altogether eliminating candy from the list. I don't know about you, but I'd MUCH prefer a bag of Swedish fish or Reese's peanut butter cups over something made of wood.
• Desk sets have now replaced copper/wood for the 7-year theme. Yes, you read that correctly. I cannot even wager a guess on this one.
• Maybe not surprising is the fact that diamonds now make 2 appearances on the list. They remain the 75th anniversary theme, but they have now overtaken tin as the 10th year theme. Clearly this decision was made because no one in their right mind (literally) makes it to their 75th wedding anniversary so there was no point in changing it.
• Appliances have replaced flowers as the 4-year theme. Doesn't this go against the gift-giving etiquette we've been trying to instill in men since the 50's??

But I guess these changes make perfect sense for today's modern, materialistic, Sex and the City generation of women. Approximately 50% of first marriages in America end in divorce (the rate is higher for second and third marriages) so women, evidently, are looking for bigger, better, more expensive "things" that prove they can, indeed, put up with the same man for several years in a row. I mean, what else says "I love you" like a clock, right? In fact, the things on this list are so inane that I wouldn't be surprised if shoes and handbags were added in the years to come. And, from there, maybe it will get more specific to include Christian Louboutin shoes or an Hermes handbag.

And what about Hollywood? They must have their own, special list that omits everything except platinum and diamonds.

Getting back to the original list, though, I'm having some difficulty deciding which 1st year anniversary option is worse: paper or clocks? Do people still buy grandfather clocks? Cuckoo clocks? Engraved mantle clocks? I guess a wall clock might be nice, but I'm perfectly satisfied with the 2 wall clocks we have from Target and Pier 1. A watch might be nice, I guess, but Matt already has 2 of those. And certainly an alarm clock doesn't count, right? (Because you ARE aware that the alarm clock is one of my nemeses.) Why would ANY woman have a reason to give her husband an alarm clock as a 1st anniversary gift unless she's sending a message that he needs to be more punctual? After watching me change into a 7th outfit before going out, HE would be more justified giving ME an alarm clock.

After pondering this for a little while on my own, I decided to (yet again) seek advice from my trusty BFF. You may know her. Her name is Google. I will share with you some of her suggestions...

1. Books
I can't see myself buying my husband an "anniversary book." I guess I could buy him the new "Stuff White People Like" book. Or maybe this means I should write him a book? No, by the time I finish, it would no longer be our paper anniversary.
2. Stationery
Huh? He's perfectly satisfied using the back of an opened envelope.
3. Board games & puzzles
Huh?
4. Posters
Like the posters we had on our UMass dorm walls? Nothing says "Happy Anniversary" like an enlarged picture of Bob Marley smokin somethin.
5. Photos
Photos of the wedding? We already saw those.
6. Calendar
HE already did this for ME...sigh.
7. Tickets
Coldplay is August 4th so I wouldn't mind being on the RECEIVING end of some tickets...
8. Paintings
A painting is meaningless to everyone but the painter and the subject. Does this mean I should paint something myself and use Matt as my subject?
9. Coupons
Like an IOU? I may as well buy him a piece of cheese. Or maybe it means that I should buy the Sunday Globe for my husband and hand him the coupon section?

Hmmm...I'm thinking I may need to break up with Google because none of these ideas has "us" written all over it. She doesn't know us as well as I thought she did...

Upon deeming Google useless for this task, I decided to brainstorm my own list of 1st year "paper" anniversary gift ideas. Ladies and gentlemen, feel free to steal my ideas if you wish...

1. A piece of computer paper
If it's blank then HE gets to choose how to use it.
2. The Sunday Globe
Well it IS more substantial and more expensive than the Monday through Saturday Globe...and there's more paper involved...and there are coupons.
3. The bill for our 1-year anniversary dinner at the Oak Room
It shouldn't be TOO expensive, right?
4. Our marriage certificate
Just as a reminder, I guess?
5. A $15 parking ticket
Like the one I got in Newton Center last week while trying (and failing) to find the perfect (new) pair of jeans at National Jean Co.
6. Toilet paper
For sh*** and giggles (literally).
7. A grocery list
I'll buy if he flies.
8. Driving directions or a map
Any guy needs this. And a Garmin Nuvi would be too expensive...not to mention it doesn't fit the theme.
9. My paycheck
Ha ha...just the stub, of course, because I have direct deposit.
10. A "honey do" list
With a deadline.
11. A blank check
Because it will likely bounce.

OR

12. The ultimate...divorce papers!

Ok...so I'm kidding, of course, but I just can't help poking fun at ridiculous traditions.

After spending all this time trying to come up with creative 1st year anniversary gift ideas, I've decided to just stick with a card (and probably the Oak Room bill). After all, in less than 2 weeks, we will have the BEST "paper" gifts in our hands: 2 plane tickets to Ireland.

Wish you were coming...