I'm Sorry, What Did You Say?

Do you consider yourself to be a good listener? Are you patient? Do you ask questions?

Or, when someone else is talking, are you just thinking about what you will say next?

I consider myself to be a good listener. I guess I should be grateful for that because my job is, essentially, a “professional listener.” Let’s face it, if I wasn’t a good listener or if I didn't know how to listen, then I’d be doing something else right now (and probably wouldn’t get summers off). But I will be honest, listening is definitely a skill that I've had to work to improve over the years.

When I'm with someone, one-on-one, or when I'm among a group of people, I find it very easy to listen to the speaker, make eye contact and give him/her my full attention. If, for some reason, I must multi-task when I'm listening to someone then I try to make a point of saying "I'm still listening." I know this isn't the most polite way to listen, but sometimes it is difficult to avoid and it's better than not having the time to listen at all. I do it because I genuinely enjoy listening to people talk and, for the most part, I am usually interested in what the speaker is saying. What some people do not understand or appreciate, though, is the fact that some people do their best listening while doing something else at the very same time. I've discovered that I am one of these people.

I’ve come to learn that I do my worst listening when it's the only thing I have to focus on. As you may or may not know, Matt and I watch The Biggest Loser religiously. Every week we complain that the show is too long (2 hours!), so for that reason alone maybe this won't come as a big surprise to anyone, but I often find myself zoning out in the middle of the show. For example, I will see the contestants participate in a "challenge," however I have no idea what the rules of the challenge are because I wasn't listening when they were stated by the host. YET, I was sitting there at the time and I was definitely staring at the TV screen and I WASN’T doing anything else. I don't get it. Something isn’t adding up.

Then there are the car rides. For some odd reason, I slip into a coma when I am a passenger in a car. Seriously, if you’re planning a long road trip, I am the LAST person you want to invite; you may as well go by yourself.

A car ride with me often goes like this:
1.) Driver tells story.
2.) I nod, say “yeah” or make some other one-word comment.
3.) Driver begins a new story.
4.) I repeat step 2.
5.) Driver apologizes for “talking my ear off.”
6.) I say “No need to apologize.”
7.) Repeat steps 1-6.

Most often in these "car cases," I really am listening, but I’m embarrassed to say that I’m not being an ACTIVE listener. When I'm riding in a car, my responses clearly lack quality and I never seem to ask the typical probing questions.

Another situation that occurs in the car involves listening to the radio (this might be related to the TV issue). Sometimes the driver will make a comment about something that is said on the radio and I have to respond, "Oh, I wasn't listening." So, what was I doing, you ask? The answer is I HAVE NO IDEA. I certainly wasn’t driving, so I can't even use "focusing on the road" as an excuse.

I confess. I’m not ALWAYS a good listener. I have some work to do. But I’ve become quite good at recognizing situations in which my listening skills are guaranteed to deteriorate. Here are some examples…

Adults Who Read Aloud (because they probably like the sound of their own voice)
By now, most people that are close to me know that I cannot listen to people read aloud, so, thankfully, they no longer do it. It CAN pose some problems, though, or at least some awkward situations. Try to imagine stopping strangers or acquaintances mid-sentence and telling them to hand over the piece of paper because you can't listen to them read aloud. Sometimes people take offense to this, but the fact remains that I have to read it myself. You can waste your time reading aloud, but I will just have to reread it when you are finished. On the other hand, maybe this is fine with you because you love to talk and you love the sound of your own voice.

People Who Simply Love to Talk
Some people just love to talk and I’m okay with that because I am one of them. However, I find it very difficult to listen to people who talk too much about themselves or their children. You MUST find a balance. I can fully appreciate someone who likes to talk, but if you like to talk then you also need to listen. You can't dominate every conversation and not give others the opportunity to be heard.

The Boomerang
I’m sure you know at least one person who can turn virtually any story back on his/herself. I'm convinced that these people practice their tactics in the privacy of their own home. More often than not, the stories aren't even related, but these people are very skillful; they have a sixth sense that allows them to find the smallest connection so that they can ALWAYS find a way to bring the focus back to themselves. You know there’s a problem when someone says “Speaking of the Presidential Campaign, did you notice my new haircut?”

The Non-Editors
As I mentioned previously, I love to talk. Give me a glass of wine and you will find this out soon enough. However, I think I’m pretty good at “reading” the natural progression of a conversation. For the most part, I think I know when to listen, when to talk, when to interject, when to interrupt (I believe that sometimes it IS necessary to interrupt) and, most importantly, I know when to edit for content.

Have you ever found yourself listening to a story wondering when the speaker is ever going to get to the point? The BEST example of this is a story that starts like this: “Last Monday, no wait, maybe it was Tuesday? Or was it Sunday?” Um, can I have the last 5 minutes of my life back? I’m not saying I have more important things to be doing or that my time is more precious than yours, but I’ve now lost interest because THIS INFORMATION IS IRRELEVANT. You don’t have to provide EVERY detail to get your point across. Take a cue from my husband, Matt, and begin EVERY story with “yesterday” even if it was 7 years ago. Unless, of course, you’re under oath.

Relentless Agenda-Pushers
I am known for having strong opinions, but I’m also known for changing my mind about certain things. This may come as a surprise to some people, but I like when others “play devil’s advocate.” I consider myself an open-minded person and the fact that I DO change my mind, on occasion, should tell you that I am not 100% set in my ways. I also don’t have a problem admitting to someone that they’ve made a good point. What bothers me, though, is when people try relentlessly to change the opinions of others. Do they not recognize that this is a lost cause? As well as a party foul? Pushing your agenda on other people makes everyone else in the room uncomfortable. The world would be a pretty boring place if everyone had the same opinions so please do us all a favor and agree to disagree.

The Constant Complainer
Personally, I believe that it is normal to complain every once in awhile, but I don't want to listen to you if complaining is ALL that you do. Especially if you're complaining about things you cannot control. Yes, it would be nice if it wasn't going to rain the day of the party, but we're still going to hang out, crush some beers and eat some delicious snacks. The party isn't going to suck simply because it's raining, so get over it and make the most of it.

The Repetitive Story Teller
Recently Matt accused me of telling the same story too many times. I was absolutely mortified because this is something that I, myself, am annoyed by. When someone begins telling me a story for the second time, I usually have no problem telling him/her that I’ve already heard this story. What is funny (and by funny I mean annoying) is that the storyteller often ignores this comment and continues to tell the story for the second time anyway.

So what DO I enjoy listening to? To name a few...
• Good music
• Problems that I can relate to
• Family backgrounds
• Opinions
• Advice
• Breaking news
• Funny Stories
• News related to education
• Nonsense