Now is Not a Time

Suck it Up. Go Out. Live it Up.

2010-01-29T13:38:00.008-05:00

The older I get, the more I understand why so many people retire to Florida. Yes, Florida sucks, but maybe it only sucks for those in my age bracket. If most of the people that live there are 60+ then it might be a jolly old time when I'm old and retired, too, right?

I don't think I'm alone here when I say the winter (more specifically January 1st - April 1st) is my LEAST favorite time of the year. The months of November and December are still very fun and exciting to me. Throughout the holiday season people everywhere seem to be in a good mood and I still wake up giddy on Christmas morning. What can I say? I remain a kid at heart. And if I love it this much as an adult, I guess it means that I truly enjoy spending time with my family. But after the holidays are over, there's always that feeling of disappointment. It's the same feeling I got right after our wedding, on any flight back to Boston, after pretty much any concert and when Avatar ended (thank god for sequels). I am President of the anticipation fan club.

But I haven't always despised winter this much. When I was a kid, I loved it because I was an avid skier and just like any other normal kid, I loved snow days and playing in the snow - going sledding, having snowball fights, building snowmen, building forts, etc. When you're an adult snow takes on a whole new meaning: shoveling, digging out your car, dangerous driving conditions. Last time I checked none of those things is fun for anyone. And, sadly, I've come to realize that I don't enjoy skiing anymore. Not so much because of the cold, but because it scares the hell out of me. I guess I've passed that whole risky behavior stage of my life.

The obvious question is, well, why not move? Just like most people, my talk about "moving" is just that - talk. Moving is not an option for me at this point in my life because a.) I like my family too much and b.) I just don't have the balls to do it. So, the question then becomes how do we get through another New England winter?

This year my New Year's resolution is geared towards answering this question. (For the record, I HATE New Year's resolutions and I very rarely make them. I'm onto you people who crowd my gym for the month of January only to lose 5 pounds and never return). So, what is my resolution? To STOP wishing my life away. We all do it, week after week. In the winter we can't wait for spring and Monday through Thursday (year round) we can't wait for the weekend. The majority of us hate going to work. Not everyone has the balls (or the money) to quit their lame job and pursue their "dream job" and then go on Oprah to talk about it and tell America how they, too, can follow their dreams. I don't care how much you say you LOVE your job. In the words of Loverboy, everybody's working for the weekend.

So, how DO we get through this long, cold New England winter or, in the shorter term, how do we get through a LONG ASS week like the one we are finishing up right now? Well, I'm not about to split the atom here. The answer is simple: find little things to look forward to each day or each week and don't NOT do something because it's a Monday or a Tuesday. Don't wait until the weekend to see a movie or go out to dinner. Trivia on a Tuesday? Sure! A beer dinner on Wednesday? Yes! I know it's lame, but even looking forward to certain TV shows (e.g. final season of LOST!!) can help you get through the day. But for this to work you have to be somewhat of an optimist. Constant complainers aren't going to succeed. And it helps if you actually like the people you go home to each night.

I'll tell you some of the things I'm looking forward to...

1. Today is Friday, so that's a start.
2. Tomorrow is Mexican night with Matt and our own homemade habanero infused tequila.
3. Burger tasting on Monday night.
4. Lost season premiere on Tuesday night.
5. Olympics begin in 2 weeks.
6. Oh yeah and in 2 weeks it will be February vacation which means I'm off to Florida. Yes, I'll be amongst the blue hairs and the diabetics once again, but at least (hopefully) it will be warm. I'll take anything that's a step away from the normal routine.

You get the idea. Try not to spend the whole winter wishing it was summer. It's counterproductive to complain about things you can't change, like the weather. And stop wishing it was Friday all the time. Instead, just live your life as if every day were Friday. (Seriously, did I just write that?) There are 7 days in the week and they all deserve your undivided attention. Most importantly, when everything around you seems to suck, try to be Mr. Brightside. In doing so, maybe you'll make someone else's day too. Now if I can just heed my own advice...

8 Things I'm Thankful for Right Now

2009-11-25T10:45:00.012-05:00

1. Larry David and Curb Your Enthusiasm

Ok, so it took 6 seasons and a Seinfeld reunion to get me to come around on this show, but I have to tell you I got the chills seeing the fantastic four back together again. Be warned, you won’t see them in every episode of season 6. Having said that, I do think the entire season is worth watching. Cue it up On Demand if you have HBO. You’ll be glad to know that they don’t avoid cracking jokes about the topics on everybody’s minds and the 45-minute finale is more Seinfeld than Curb. You won’t be disappointed.

2. Chuck Klosterman
I’m reading his new book, Eating the Dinosaur, and it is cracking me up. An excerpt:

"I find that '(Don't Fear) The Reaper' significantly increases my fear of the Reaper. This song is a failure."

Sometimes I wonder if we are the same person, but then I remember that he is a published author, brilliant, hilarious, famous, and cashing checks with more zeros than I’ll ever see in a lifetime. Oh, yeah, and he’s a dude. So now that I know we’re not the same person, I can only assume that he has a backstage pass to my brain (one piece of evidence can be found on page 89). I am growing increasingly envious that I will never be able to articulate my thoughts as well as he does. Is it possible to copyright your thoughts? Maybe I'd be entitled to a cut of those profits...

3. The fact that I never have to watch The Proposal again.
I've heard (and overheard) this movie recommended a LOT lately and since it was kind of a surprise summer hit and Ryan Reynolds is very "smart" looking, I decided to give it a go one night (sans Matt, of course). This movie is EXACTLY why I am so selective about the movie reviews/opinions that I trust and follow. First of all, I'm convinced that most women are unable to tell the difference between a quality romantic comedy (i.e. About a Boy, High Fidelity, Sideways) and one that is completely formulaic. And do women know that there is life outside the romantic comedy? Or do women just assume that a romantic comedy is a “safe” suggestion for another woman?

Seriously, ladies, we can do better than this. This movie was painful. There are several things wrong with it including the fact that it has a score of 48 on Metacritic. Where I come from a 48 = F. So, if you don’t agree with the following then we can’t be friends (but we probably weren’t friends to begin with anyway):
A.) Try to name one funny part, right this instant. You can’t because it wasn’t funny and even if you did laugh, it certainly wasn’t memorable and that’s why you’re drawing a blank.
B.) Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are not believable as a couple. Not in a movie. Not in real life. Period.
C.) Sandra Bullock should not be acting in the year 2009 let alone STARRING in a romantic comedy that somehow earned over $150 million. Sandra Bullock’s career should’ve began and ended with Speed.

4. Westvleteren 12
What is the most amount of money you would spend on beer? Ok, let me rephrase that. What’s the most amount of money you would spend on something you love? People who don't understand my passion for beer might call me "crazy" for spending $70 on two 12 oz. bottles of beer (plus another $20 to have them shipped from Belgium). So, let me explain. This beer is the best beer in the world according to www.BeerAdvocate.com. Matt had been talking about it for several months, so I decided to splurge for his birthday (or maybe that’s just what I keep telling myself). To make a long story short, I ordered the beer, he was thrilled, and we enjoyed drinking it. We waited about 24 hours before discussing whether or not it was actually worth it. So, what did we think? We agreed that we probably wouldn’t order it again (unless we were in Belgium, of course). We felt that a Chimay would get the job done just as easily, but we did think the overall experience was worth the money. Sometimes an experience is worth the money, but you have to be doing it for yourself not because you want to tell others that you did it (not to say that you can't discuss the experience at all). So before you call me crazy, think of something that you splurged on. Maybe I, personally, wouldn't have splurged on that, but I respect your decision to splurge on something ridiculous if it's something you are truly passionate about.

5. J.J. Abrams
You’d think, since the final season of Lost is looming near, I’d be cursing J.J. right about now, but I should’ve realized this guy is a lot smarter than the person who named him. This year J.J. has succeeded at 2 things: changing my opinion of the Star Trek franchise and reeling me into YET another television series called Flashforward. The final season of Lost hasn’t even begun yet but, J.J., consider the torch passed my friend.

6. The XX
Thank you to my brother, Gerard, who told me to run out and purchase this CD. (Although I’m sure my other brother, Mike, probably made the initial recommendation to Gerard.) I am officially obsessed with their music. But what makes me like them even more is the fact that they are barely out of their teens. They were born the same year as Taylor Swift who, like The XX, writes and sings songs that are simple and romantic. If you've never heard a song by The XX, I'm not making that comparison to scare you off. My point is that the two artists are drastically different. The XX's debut album doesn't even sound like a debut album, let alone a debut album by a group of 20-year-olds. Their voices are mesmerizing and please believe me when I say that their music appeals to both males and females alike. If you're hesitant to buy the entire album, get your feet wet with VCR and Basic Space.

7. Invisalign
So, as my brother and I have established, Invisalign is just a tad different than the ads let on. Don't get me wrong, it's MUCH better than having a mouth full of metal (although some people might ask why I even bother with Invisalign since I've sort of defeated its purpose by telling everyone that I have it), but it did force me to have a perfectly good tooth extracted. For the next few months I will look like a hillbilly (the things we do for vanity), but this baffling piece of technology is slowly convincing me that it was indeed worth the money and I WILL have a perfect smile within the next 2 years.

8. The 12-pack of Shipyard Pumpkinheads sitting in my basement
I finally found a good use for Facebook: ask and you shall receive. I recently posted the following status update on FB: "Anyone know of any liquor stores that still have 12-packs of Shipyard Pumpkinheads?" Within hours I had "friends" checking liquor stores all over MA. I got a few leads and hit the jackpot. I can almost hear the pumpkinhead guy on the label calling my name right now, but alas, you will have to wait patiently until Thursday morning…ahem…afternoon.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sadly, an era is officially over for me.

2009-05-18T17:29:00.008-04:00

I have decided that I can happily live the rest of my life without ever attending another Red Sox game. Ever.

When it comes to Red Sox and Bruins tickets, I was spoiled for much of my childhood. The company my uncle worked for had the sweetest hook-up: 6 seats, 6 rows behind the Red Sox dugout at Fenway Park and 4 center ice seats in the first row of the balcony at (the old) Boston Garden. Once or twice a year, we would get treated to these tickets. My uncle was pretty much Santa Claus, in my opinion.

In between sitting in my uncle’s company’s seats, I would often get invited to games with friends and the ungrateful daughter-of-a-bitch that I was, secretly complained about the terrible seats in the bleachers or the nose-bleed section. For me, just being there was never good enough, as it was/is for so many other people. My uncle’s seats ruined me.

Or did they? Dare I say it, but maybe the Sox winning the World Series ruined everything for me. I know this theory is 5 years old now, but I really haven’t spent much time inside Fenway since they won the World Series in ’04, so it’s taken me a bit longer to come to this conclusion.

For the past 5 years, I’ve only averaged about 1 game per season because we no longer have my uncle’s hook-up and people now have to re-mortgage their houses to take a family of 4 to a game. Our token 1 game per season is usually a gift, one that I am genuinely excited about each and every time I receive it.

My most recent trip to Fenway Park occurred last Friday night when the Sox played Tampa Bay. Driving south on 93 towards Fenway, Matt and I contemplated driving all the way in, parking somewhere and taking the T or parking somewhere and taking a cab the rest of the way in. Because I despise public transportation, Matt immediately ruled that option out; however, much to his surprise (and even more so my own), I was having a rational moment. Even better, it was a financially rational moment, at that! If I had a nickel for every time I’ve made a good money decision, I’d have 10 cents.

Since we were making pretty good time, I suggested we park at Sullivan Station and take the T to Kenmore. As soon as we descended the stairs at Sullivan, I noticed that someone had thrown up Red Sox all over the boarding area and I had to fight the urge to turn around. We were, literally, the only 2 people NOT wearing Red Sox paraphernalia. Of course, the non-conformist in me does this on purpose. But I STILL can’t understand why more people don’t follow suit. There is no need to prove that you are a Red Sox fan in the one area that is so blatantly predominantly Red Sox fans. You wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a band t-shirt to a concert, would you? (If you just answered “yes” then, I’m sorry, but we have to break up.)

Clearly the vomit has the same destination that we do, so we know that we will be surrounded by vomit for the duration of our evening. It is going to be a long night. As we deboard the train and make our way towards Landsdowne St., I wonder why I didn’t sell the damn tickets for a profit. I begin to think of a million other places I’d rather be: sitting in traffic somewhere, waiting in line at the post office, listening to Laid by James, driving around in a Mustang, watching Scary Movie, doing shots of Jagermeister at Rev Rock Bar with douchebags wearing Ed Hardy shirts…

Then I remember something. Of the 5 games that I’ve been to in the past 5 years, I’ve probably only spent a total of 9 innings inside the park. Seriously, 9 out of 45innings. I know that is not something I should be proud of. In fact, I suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of guilt as I think of all the people who would appreciate these tickets so much more than me.

So, why would I continuously spend money on tickets or accept tickets from someone else who spent that money when I know that a premature exit is planned? Well, the reason I go is because I have such fond memories of attending Red Sox games when I was younger and also because I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that the Fenway experience has changed since 2004. The reasons I leave early vary from game to game. It might be that the weather was crappy or the Sox were getting crushed or I realized I just dropped $9 on a terrible light beer when I could’ve had a delicious Belgian beer for the same amount, if not less, across the street. But, most often, the deciding factor is the clientele at Fenway Park. That’s right, the fans. Like New Year’s Eve and St. Patty’s Day, a Red Sox game (Friday or Saturday night, especially) may as well be amateur night out. I swear these fans did not exist in 2003 when I could actually get a seat on the green line and order a beer at a Kenmore Square bar an hour before the first pitch. Some people might argue that I’ve simply grown too old for the Fenway scene. But I disagree. The Fenway Park of today is not the same beloved Fenway Park from the 80s and 90s. It has morphed into the antithesis of my “scene.”

And here’s why…

1. Overpriced tickets, food & beer.
Worse: Missing an entire inning to waiting in line for overpriced food & beer.

2. Uncomfortable seats.
Worse: Uncomfortable seats with an obstructed view.

3. Waiting a painfully long time to use the bathroom.
Worse: Getting to the front of the line and realizing that peeing your pants would’ve been more sanitary than peeing in one of the stalls.

4. Being amongst a noticeably non-diverse crowd.
Worse: Being amongst a noticeably non-diverse crowd rooting for a noticeably non-diverse professional baseball team.

5. Red Sox face paint.
Worse: Red Sox tattoos.

6. The “Yankees Suck” chant.
Worse: The “Yankees Suck” chant when the Yankees aren’t in town.

7. Sweet Caroline.
Worse: The Dropkick Murphys.

8. Pink hats.
Worse: Groups of girls pretending to be Sox fans when really they just want to chat and have men admire them.

9. Dudes wearing shorts with tube socks.
Worse: Ya-dudes.

Who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind after having a few kids. When you have kids, you’re better off following the opposite schedule that Matt has devised: bring the kids early for batting practice, try to get a few autographs and then bail after the 3rd inning. For now, I’m much more content watching the Sox from the comfort of my own couch. Watching from home, I actually see more of the game and I don’t have to spend a dime if I don’t want to. The best part, however, is that I can control the quality of the people that surround me.

Petco, where the idiots go.

2009-04-10T10:57:00.010-04:00

Humans love errands. We always seem to be doing errands. For the most part I don’t mind doing errands. But there is one that I despise.

I am convinced that on any given day there are only 2 people working at Petco: the “cashier” and the “cricket fetcher.” I have no idea if these are the industry terms, but this is how I will refer to “them” in this post. And the reason I’ve put “them” in quotes is because I’m not entirely sure if I’m referring to 1 or 2 people. On more than one occasion, I’ve had reason to believe that the cashier and the cricket fetcher might actually be the same person. Why? Because I can’t ever recall seeing the cashier and the cricket fetcher together in the same room. I’ve heard the cashier page the cricket fetcher to the register and I’ve heard the cashier tell the impatient customers that he is “waiting” for the cricket fetcher, but I have yet to see them together in the same room.

Regardless of whether Petco employs 1 or 2 people and regardless of which Petco store I visit, I am pretty much guaranteed to have an uber-annoying retail experience. I’ve conducted some research and it appears to be a chain-wide problem that spans Petcos from Woburn to Nashua. I seriously believe that the agenda for the first day of employee training at Petco must be titled “How to evoke frustration from customers.” For those of you who do not have pets or buy your pet food elsewhere, I cannot think of a single store that compares to Petco in terms of ineptitude. So consider yourself lucky.

Here is a description of an average trip to Petco. Let the rage begin.

I enter the store and immediately look over at the cash register area to see a) how many people are - or, are NOT, in Petco’s case - working on the register, and b) how many customers are waiting in line. Typically I will see 1 of 3 scenarios: a) there are no customers in line and there are no employees in sight, b) there is a huge line and only one cashier (who may or may not be waiting for the cricket fetcher in which case the line is not moving), or c) there are several customers roaming around the checkout area looking for an employee to ring them up. None of these scenarios is good. Whether it’s a, b or c, I immediately want to exit the store. But, then I remember that walking out would mean Little Jerry wouldn’t have dinner on the table – er, floor – that night. That has 51A written all over it. So, I reluctantly continue my trek to purchase dog food, trying to be optimistic, hoping that today will finally be the day that I get out of this black hole of retail in a timely fashion.

I have a mental blueprint of the 3 different branches I frequent. In each of these 3 stores, I know exactly which aisle I have to go down to locate Jerry’s brand of dog food. I make a beeline for that aisle and grab the food, which, conveniently, is a brand that is NOT available in grocery stores. I then make my way to the register wondering which scenario I will be presented with today. I arrive to find option b) a huge line and only one cashier. Typically, I am a patient customer, but since this is Petco and this is par for the course, I exhale. Loudly. I check my watch, and mentally give my impatience about 5 minutes before it implodes. The cashier is not ringing. He is just standing there. I breathe in again, this time through my nose. The line is 6 people deep at this point.

I take in everything going on around me. I overhear one customer telling another customer that some crickets had escaped somewhere out back. Ah, a cricket crisis. That might explain why the cricket fetcher is tied up, but why is our cashier just standing there?!?! He must be waiting for some crickets for the customer in front of him. I seem to have underestimated the demand for crickets these days. I look around, hoping that if I stare long enough at a register, it will magically open up. Why do they even have more than one register at this store?

My thoughts are distracted. Today I seem to have gotten in line behind Laura the Loud-Talker. I see that she is purchasing a 2-ton bag of ferret food and barking out orders to her 2 “tween”-age daughters. Miley and Demi are both trying to pick out dog treats from the “treat bar” (picture a salad bar for dogs, except it's unhealthy) which is only a few feet away – definitely NOT far enough to warrant the inappropriate decibel level at which Laura is choosing to speak.

I stand there wondering if there really is a cricket crisis going on or whether these people just find pleasure in pushing their customers to the limit. Maybe I’m being Punk’d? No, that show went off the air for good, right? Maybe the employees are out back gathered around a TV, watching us on the tape, eating popcorn and laughing at us. Maybe there will be some fabulous prize for the customer who exhibits the most outlandish reaction. I consider this for a few moments. My thoughts are distracted again by Laura’s booming voice. Then I notice that the cashier is completing the cricket transaction. I realize that, once again, I didn’t see the cricket-fetcher. I was hoping to catch him morphing into his alter-ego, the cashier.

Laura is getting on my last nerve. She is talking SO loudly. At least I don’t have to live with her like Miley and Demi over there. Poor kids. I consider running out the door, dog food in hand. No. I am not a criminal. I consider pushing everyone out of the way and just announcing that I need immediate assistance. You know, like old people do. It always works for them.

Finally, Laura gets to the register. I am on deck. I only have to listen to her for a few more minutes. I watch as she puts her 2-ton bag of ferret food on the counter. She owns a fucking ferret. Who owns a fucking ferret?

Laura, Miley and Demi leave. I put the dog food on the counter. The cashier says “sorry about the wait.” I lie and say “no problem.”

I am out the door and in my car. I sigh and text my brother “Who owns a fucking ferret?” His reply: “John Kimble.” I laugh. Hard. I am lightened up. At least until Jerry runs out of food again.

Is Today Over Yet?

2009-03-17T14:18:00.005-04:00

I love Guinness.
I love Magner's Cider (FYI - it’s actually called Bulmer’s in Ireland).
I love Irish pubs (both the Irish AND the American kind).
I love an Irish accent.
I love that my grandparents are from Ireland.
I love that I still have extended family in Ireland.
I love fish ‘n chips and I even enjoy a boiled dinner once awhile.

I have traveled to Ireland and I love everything about it.

But I hate St. Patty’s Day. If New Year’s Eve is “amateur night out,” as my brother refers to it, then St. Patty’s Day is “amateur day out.”

If you’re ever interested in making a quick buck, then all you have to do is bet someone that I won’t be at the St. Patty’s parade in Southie. Because. I. Won’t. Ever. Be. There. Just like I won’t ever sick off on St. Patty’s Day, go to an Irish pub and drink my first Guinness at 8:00 a.m. And it’s not because of the alcohol (you don’t know me if that’s your theory), it’s because of the people that come out of the woodwork on this particular day.

Something else you won’t see me doing on St. Patty’s Day is wearing green. I do not like wearing green on St. Patty’s Day for the same reason I do not like wearing red on Valentine’s Day, orange and black on Halloween, red and green on Christmas and sports paraphernalia to sporting events. In fact, I purposely did not wear red to the BHS Super 8 game on Sunday. People ask me all the time why I am like this. They like to give me a hard time and tell me that I’m a loser, a hater, I’m no fun, I’m disrespectful, I have no holiday/team/school spirit. Frankly, I’m tired of explaining myself. It has nothing to do with any of those things, it’s just this strange thing that I do simply because I don’t like being told what to wear. It sounds childish, I know, but you can’t be mad at me for not wanting to follow the crowd. There’s nothing else I can say except that I’ve never been one for uniformity.

So, on this St. Patty’s Day, what do I plan to do?

Well, I woke up this morning and had to be reminded by the newscasters on channel 5 that it was, indeed, St. Patty’s Day. For some reason I thought the holiday had already passed. I remembered being in Boston on Sunday when it sure FELT like St. Patty’s Day with all the riff-raff from the parade walking around in their ridiculous costumes. So, as I sat watching TV and eating Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, I planned out a fairly regular day in my head: work, workout, pick up my car in Peabody, go to the post office, go home, eat dinner, watch some shows, go to bed.

It wasn’t long before Matt came down the stairs and I promptly made fun of him for donning a green shirt to work today. After finishing my breakfast, I turned to my own closet and began cursing my winter wardrobe and the 5-man rotation I’ve gotten myself into. I refused to even LOOK at the one green sweater that I own and I carefully selected a raspberry colored sweater and brown pants. I wasn’t all that pleased with the outfit, once I put it on, but I WAS pleased that it wasn’t green. And that was enough for me. I packed up my things and headed towards the door, grabbing one of my 8 winter coats along the way. I jumped into the passenger seat of Matt’s car and we began our carpool to work (my car is in the shop today).

As we listened to terrible morning shows and weaved through some traffic, Matt suddenly turned to me and said “Hey, you’re wearing green!” There was no need for me to look down. Using my peripheral vision, it was very easy for me to see that I was completely ensconced in green. Yes, the coat that I had absent-mindedly chosen to wear to work today was bright, kelly green. I think I managed an “ugh” and Matt responded with a “yessssss!” And thanks to my peripheral vision, I’m pretty sure I saw a smile and a fist pump as well.

I Never Want to Believe Stereotypes, But...

2009-03-09T18:17:00.009-04:00

If you were to ask me whether or not I’ve been to “the south,” I’m not sure I’d know how to answer that. Yes, I've traveled to Maryland to see the Sox play the Orioles at Camden yards and I visited my sister-in-law when she attended the University of Delaware, but is the northernmost subregion of "the south" really the true south? I understand Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere (pun intended!), but these 2 states don't count in my book.

And neither does Florida, the southernmost subregion of the south which we've been to a number of times, most recently during February vacation. I like to refer to it as "the blue hair state." Although we’ve vacationed there multiple times, I still have very mixed feelings about referring to this state as a “vacation spot.” I will admit that my opinion might be a bit skewed because I've never actually been to hotspots like Miami or Disney, but, in my opinion, the warm weather is the main attraction. Let me be clear that I am NOT complaining about being on vacation, I’m merely challenging the idea of Florida as a vacation spot, as part of “the south,” as a state and, yes, I’m questioning it’s overall worth.

So, aside from the warm weather, what else is there? Well, I guess I could say that we did get to see the Red Sox practice in Spring Training but, man, did we feel bad for the players. I’d love to know where all the players stay and what they do when they aren’t “working” in February and March. Everyday they must wonder what genius decided to make Florida, of all places, the home of MLB Spring Training.

Trying to stay positive, though, I guess I could also say that the restaurant we went to for lunch (Joe’s Crab Shack, a southern chain) had 2-for-1 Blue Moon drafts. It was just after noon when we sat down and I ordered a Blue Moon and the waitress TOLD ME, not asked me, that they were 2-for-1 so she’d bring me 2. I swear to you. I guess some dreams really do come true in Florida.

Total positive qualities = 3 (better than I anticipated at the start of this post).

Enter the negatives.

Old, Fat or C.) All of the Above?
Even Matt's parents who are retired and spend a month down in Florida every winter forewarned us that everyone down there is either old or obese. I am not lying when I tell you that before we arrived there, Matt's parents were the youngest people for miles. And when we did arrive there, we had to drive an hour and fifteen minutes to Fort Myers to find a "scene" where Matt and I actually fit in. (Note: It’s possible that our drive could have been shorter if we weren’t surrounded by geriatric drivers. You all know what this is like. And, yes, by the looks of it, Florida undoubtedly holds the record for used Cadillac sales.)

So, this old/fat population in Florida is somewhat confusing to me and I’ll tell you why. As soon as the weather gets warm up here in Mass, we immediately see skimpier clothes, packed beaches, toned bodies, etc. Usually you can’t turn a corner without seeing some kind of hotness. So, by that regard, shouldn’t Florida be the same way year round? I’m stumped.

Floridians: Real or Myth?
During our travels, we found ourselves asking the following question: Is anyone actually born in Florida? Virtually everyone you meet is a transplant and of course you can't escape New Englanders when you're there. The people renting the bottom floor of the house we stayed in were from Connecticut and our waitress at the diner was from Maine (I'll get to the diners in a minute). And we saw more Michigan license plates than we saw Florida license plates. I’m not sure what that’s all about.

Strip Malls
In the words of Matt’s father, “Florida is just one big strip mall.” What baffles me is that these strip malls don’t even contain anything worth getting out of the car for. It would be better if it were one big strip club.

Did Someone Throw Up Pepto Bismol?
Just when you wonder if there’s anything cheesier than pink and peach buildings, you remember the dolphin motif. For some reason, Bermuda can get away with colored buildings. Maybe because they don’t pair them with dolphins. Or maybe it’s just the awesome British influence that allows them to do colored buildings in a very tasteful manner. Florida just can’t get it right. They are completely class-less when it comes to decorating sense. How hard is to mimic the décor of coastal locations like Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard? Can I get some natural ocean hues, please? Maybe some nautical stripes? How about an Adirondack chair? Do these things not exist in the south?

You’re Florida, Not Italy.
I have never been to Italy, but I’ve heard that Italians can spot an American a million miles away because all they have to do is look for someone trying to order a coffee “to go.” I didn’t know this until recently, but coffee to go is very much frowned upon in Italy. And apparently Florida is taking some cues from Italy because you have to drive miles to find a coffee shop anywhere in Florida. There are plenty of diners, though. You can sit in a diner all day, if you please, but don’t expect to get a quick cup of joe a short distance away. (Note: I refused to go into the one Dunkin Donuts that we passed while in Florida. Instead, I agreed to try McDonald’s Newman’s iced coffee for the first time ever and it wasn’t bad except they douched it in milk which is exactly why I HATE getting a cup of coffee anywhere that doesn’t allow me to prepare it myself.)

So, why no coffee to go? I’m pretty sure the old people had something to do with this because A.) they have all the time in the world, so nothing is ever quick with them and B.) they worry that if they drink too much coffee, they will be awake until 6 pm.

The New Addiction: Shell Collecting
Or maybe it’s the Bingo of the South because apparently you ain’t cool unless you collect shells. While most people bring towels to the beach, shell collectors bring makeshift treasure scoops (attached to long poles so the old folks don’t have to bend over). I suppose this is a step up from the metal detector, which we also saw a few of. I used to be embarrassed about clipping coupons, but I wouldn’t be caught dead metal detecting (I think I just made that term up). It’s not just the act of metal detecting that’s embarrassing, but it’s the whole idea behind it. Metal detectors cost upwards of $50. I’m sorry, but you cannot tell me that these things pay for themselves.

Pickup Trucks
Need I say more?

Total negative qualities = 7

So, would you say that I’ve been to “the south?” All I know is that if this is the pseudo-south, then I have ZERO interest in EVER traveling to the real south.

Bret, Haven't You Been Paying Attention to the Cup Roster?

2009-02-01T12:04:00.016-05:00

Let's face it, decent television shows come and go, but it's not often that a truly funny, laugh-out-loud television show comes along. In fact, I'd say we've had an 11-year drought.

Call me a pessimist, but I tend to watch new shows carefully because I often fear that it will only be a matter of time before a decent show starts to suck. I have learned that expectation can be very powerful that way. And, so, that is why I have done my best NOT to get my hopes up too high for the second season of Flight of the Conchords. However, after only 2 episodes, there's no use in continuing to watch this show carefully. This is THE funniest television show since Seinfeld (how's that for expectation?). Take 2 not-so-bright struggling musicians from New Zealand + 1 idiot manager + 1 crazy female fan and hilarity most definitely ensues. If you do not have HBO, you must call your cable provider immediately.

Last Sunday’s episode, called "The Teacup," is my favorite episode to date. In the opening 60-second scene, Bret and Jemaine say the word "cup" 13 times proving that something as basic as repetition can be hilarious. The two argue about the fact that Bret, without telling Jemaine, went out and purchased a second teacup for "two dollars and seventy-nine" so that they would no longer be forced to share 1 teacup and adhere to the “cup roster.”

A cup roster? This is exactly why I love this show. Just like Seinfeld, FOTC gets me thinking about random life occurrences that I wouldn't normally put any thought into. I laughed about the cup roster for days and began thinking about my own unwritten, unspoken life “rosters.” Sadly, I only came up with a few, one of them being the shower roster because we only have 1 shower. I should be happy, I guess, that there's little need for sharing in our house, but it's sad in a way because our society has grown so accustomed to having multiples of everything. One of anything just ain't enough, is it?

So, yes, I kind of struck out with rosters, but thinking about rosters led me to also consider the random “lineups” in our lives. Whether we know it or not, we all have our own favorite things - a favorite teacup (or coffee mug in my case), a favorite t-shirt, a favorite pair of jeans, or a favorite pair of underwear. Our favorites are always the most easily accessible whether they are at the top of the drawer, the front of the cabinet or the front of the closet. This also means they get used the most. Sure a mug is easy to rinse out and reuse day after day, but clothes become dirty and stinky, so once you begin running out of your favorites, you have 2 options: you can either A.) do a load of laundry or B.) begin wearing your second-rate backups. Depending upon how often you do laundry or dishes or what have you, backups can go unused, collecting dusts for weeks, maybe even months. A backup may have been a favorite at one point, but, as newer, better things come along to replace them, the backups get downgraded to the back of the cabinet or closet and therefore move further down the lineup.

Eventually the backups become pointless, yet they remain our backups. For some strange reason we have a hard time letting them go.

The backup coffee mugs are typically the ones that are mismatched or maybe they are chipped or cracked or too small to support your ever-growing caffeine addiction. Or maybe you just feel bad getting rid of one because a colleague bought it for you 6 Christmases ago. Your backup t-shirts are likely discolored, stretched out or have crusty, yellow armpits stains. Your backup jeans may have shrunk a bit in the wash or maybe they are "so last season" making you a tad embarrassed to sport them, but reluctant to get rid of them because you shelled out over $200 for them. Your backup underwear is all the way at the back of the drawer, probably has holes in it or maybe the elastic is a bit too tight or maybe they're brand new, but you either think they're too sexy for everyday wear or you don't feel confident enough to wear them. And you wonder why you keep them because you do a load of laundry often enough to wash and wear your 5 favorite pairs over and over again.

So why do we have backups at all? Why don't we just throw these things away? Or better yet, when we find our favorite things, why don't we get enough to make an entire lineup of our favorites?

I guess that would be like having a lineup that consists of 9 Mannys and we all know no one can afford that.

Random Thoughts to Bide My Time

2009-01-08T08:26:00.032-05:00

Yes, I know. It's been awhile. Once again this proves how unproductive I am when I have too much free time on my hands. Since it's the middle of winter, there isn't a lot going on, but I figured I'd at least provide a few tidbits until a real post comes along...

On Sports...
Football is by far the most enjoyable sport I hate. In December, I suddenly became a big Wes Welker fan. Even though I don't pay much attention to the games, I realized that, although white, he is likeable and he's a solid player. (Funny, these are the same reasons that people like Youk and I can't stand Youk.) I got goosebumps one day hearing a soundbite from a game earlier this season in which you could overhear one of the referees say to Welker, "it's really fun watching you play ball." I also liked Welker's wise-ass comments to the media when they asked dumb questions about a hard hit that he took earlier in the year. I guess it helps that he's also kinda good-looking.

It is no secret that I hate football, but I make an effort because Matt loves it so much. And, as I've said before, what's not to like about Sunday get-togethers and trudging down to Beerworks with Matt in the middle of a snowstorm to "watch the game" while we eat sweet potato fries and sip on a Grinch? So, of course as soon as I find something to like about football, what happens? Well, the Pats go 11-5 and don't make the playoffs. And now we are missing out on the best part of the football season - Saturday night games!

How many days until opening day for the Sox? Oh and by the way, (I'm with Gerard on this one) did they have to go and sign 2 more white dudes???

On TV...
For the first time ever we're running into the issue of having 3 shows to watch at the same time and anyone who has Comcast knows that this is not possible with the DVR. We are going to have to find a way to prioritize Monday and Tuesday nights. Besides Marissa, did anyone else see The Bachelor and the crazy scenes for the upcoming season?!?!?! I CANNOT WAIT!

On Movies...
I cancelled our Netflix subscription a few months back because there was NOTHING worth renting and we were wasting way too much time and money watching terrible movies. One major downfall to this is that I now feel out of the loop when it comes to new DVD releases. Once in awhile we take advantage of the RedBox at Hannaford, but the choices are limited. Ironman = Entertaining but overrated. Baby Mama = Unwatchable. Had to shut it off. Hancock = Entertaining. The 90-minute running time is an added bonus. The Strangers = Entertaining but forgettable.

During vacation we ventured out to the movie theater for the first time since The Dark Knight and saw Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler. Both movies I highly recommend. I'm reluctant to see Benjamin Button because of the 3 hour running time. (Calling it "Benjamin Button" reminds me of my mother who always shortens the titles of movies, not because they are too long but because she usually doesn't remember them. I fear that I am inheriting her poor memory.) As the Academy Awards near, I will venture out to the theater a bit more. Other movies on my list include Gran Torino, Revolutionary Road (that will be a ticket for one), Milk, Doubt and The Reader. Has anyone seen any of these yet? Any other recommendations?

On Music...
Every few weeks I usually find one song that constantly sticks in my head. Right now that song is Snow Patrol's Crack the Shutters. I think it's pretty safe to say that I am obsessed. I NEED to see them live the next time they come around because the last time I saw them their encore got cut off as a result of the stupid curfew and I never got to hear Hands Open.

Some other CDs I'm enjoying right now (thanks to my uber-cool, self-proclaimed hipster brothers) include Ra Ra Riot, Fleetfoxes and Wolf Parade. Still, my 3 favorite albums of 2008 (in no particular order) were Coldplay, Vampire Weekend and The Airborne Toxic Event. I'd still love to know FNX's top 100 of 2008, but I missed the on-air countdown and apparently this year they decided not to post the list on their website??? Yet they have no problem posting pics of themselves being uber poseurs.

On Books...
I got the Twilight series for Christmas and recently began reading the first book. (Sorry but I have a thing for young adult fiction.) I'm only about half way through it at this point but I have to say that I don't think I've ever read a book that is so seductive without being overtly sexual. It is peculiar. Yet I enjoy it. I actually recently had a lengthy dream in which I was Bella Swan. But I'm not so sure I'd want my teenage daughter reading it and basing her high school relationship/s on it.

Some random crap that you may or may not care about...
I am pissed because The Airborne Toxic Event is playing the Paradise the same weekend that we chaperone the ski trip, which every year I say I'm never doing again. Next year I'm keeping my promise!

After 8 years as a blonde, I went back to being a brunette on December 6th. I have to tell you that I am loving it.

We never did get a Christmas tree. I can assure you that it is the first and LAST time we will ever go without a tree. We did have a great Christmas with our families. And, no, I'm not bitter that my brother, Mike, received the most gifts from "Santa."

I am SO ready to move out of our place and away from our neighbors. (We've been having ongoing issues with noise next door.) Although I will miss Beerworks dearly, it is time to move on. Unfortunately for us, it is not a good time to sell. However, we are passively looking (that means online searches only) in Medford, Malden, Melrose, Woburn and Wakefield. Random, I know, but let us know if you hear/see anything.

On The New Year...

I hate resolutions and I hate all the people crowding my gym and taking my machines. Who are you kidding? You won't be here 6 weeks from now.

Maybe I should resolve to stop hating shit.

Bringing Christmas Back

2008-12-17T21:11:00.007-05:00

It took my husband until yesterday, December 16th, to "feel the holiday spirit." I've been calling him Scrooge for the past week, but I must admit that I haven't really been feeling the spirit either. More like forcing it. For some reason it's just not coming naturally this year and I have a few theories as to why...

Poor Timing?

This year, Christmas comes just 4 weeks after Thanksgiving which means that we only have 3 weeks and 2 days of school between Thanksgiving and Christmas vacation. I remember one day last year I was looking ahead to this year's vacation (only those who work in education are privy to this routine) to see how many days we would get off this year (12 including weekends) and I was ecstatic to find out that there would be only 17 work days in between the 2 holidays. But now I'm not so thrilled because Christmas is coming too quickly, in my opinion. (Although, vacation isn't coming quickly enough.) I'm having a hard time believing that Christmas is only 1 week away and I think it's because I don't feel like there's been enough time to enjoy the holiday season.

Is the Economy to Blame?

It seems that everyone I talk to (including myself) is trying to be fiscally responsible by cutting back on gifts this year. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but all of my Christmas memories involve giving and receiving gifts. I hate having to cut back. Cutting back sucks. Even if it does mean fewer credit card bills for me next month. That's why I reneged on the pact Matt and I made to NOT purchase gifts for each other this year. The sad part is that we didn't even get a Christmas tree this year "to save $50." We also decided NOT to host Christmas Eve this year for the first time in 4 years because "our place is too small and it's not cheap hosting Christmas Eve." So, as a result of our cut backs, our home really isn't feeling all that Christmas-y this year.

Are We to Blame?

A lot of people have made us feel bad and given us shit for not getting a tree. And I almost fell for it. I began to think that maybe a tree would "help cheer us up and get us in the holiday spirit." So why did we decide not to get a tree this year? Because they cost $50, they're a pain in the ass to stand up and take down, we'd really only be able to enjoy it for a week or two since Christmas is coming so quickly this year and we're not hosting Christmas Eve so no one would even see it. This is how I justified not getting a tree. Needless to say, I have my regrets. And I know what you're probably thinking, but in my opinion, it's definitely too late to get one now. This will be first and last year that we go without a tree.

So, I am now at a loss as to how to bring the Christmas cheer back to our house. Is it too late? Should I just forget this year and look ahead to next year (when we will have 1 LESS vacation day and 1 MORE work day in between T-Day and Christmas)? Am I finally too old for Christmas after 30 years? When I think about it, the Coughlin/Walsh/Leary Christmases are just a bunch of adults sitting around opening presents (most likely gift certificates), essentially just trading money back and forth. Matt often wonders what will be left to buy each other when we're all 70.

Maybe I'm onto something here. Maybe all we need to do is bring some children into the mix to liven up our holiday spirit. Why didn't I think of this 9 months ago? Christmas seems a lot more fun when children, toys and Santa Claus are involved. Does anyone know where we can rent some children for a day? Saving Christmas is a good reason to have a kid, right?

LWD (Laughing While Driving)

2008-12-03T20:17:00.041-05:00

I feel like I bring cars up a lot on this blog, but have you ever just looked at a car and burst out laughing?

I do. But for different reasons, of course.

Here’s my list of the top 8 funniest cars…

1. El Camino
I have to admit that I haven’t seen one of these on the road in awhile but on the rare occasion that I DO see one I just have to laugh. You can’t help but ask: Is it a car? Is it a pickup? A picarup?

2. Hummer
A few months ago when gas was $4 per gallon and owners probably had to take their Hummers off the road, I may have been laughing a bit harder at the sight of one of these. Now, that gas prices are down, Hummer owners are busting out their monstrosities once again and I am STILL laughing at the idiots who drive them. Let’s face it, Hummer dealerships can’t be doing well. I’m sure the only Hummers we see on the road are the ones that were purchased back in 2004-05 when they were all the rage and people thought that owning a Hummer meant they were rich, powerful and important. Meanwhile, the United States decided to turn “green” overnight and just like that the Hummer’s 15 minutes of fame were up. I don’t know how people don’t feel like Hester Prynne driving around in these things.

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3. Muscle Cars
Laughing at the classic muscle car needs no explanation, but I find the contemporary muscle cars to be even more hilarious. Seriously, have you ever looked at a guy driving a Ford Mustang or a Camaro? And what about the girls that drive these cars? Who are they? And can someone tell me WHY on earth the Ford Mustang is still the “dream car” for high school students? For once I’d like to hear a teenager tell his parents that he’d like a Kia when he gets his license.

4. K-Car
Remember when you were young and your parents would buy a new car and everyone would run out to the driveway to check it out as soon as it pulled up? Well, my first memory of getting a new family car is the dark gray Dodge Aries (AKA: K-Car) that my dad purchased back in the 80’s. The funniest thing about this family car is that our whole family couldn’t even fit in it. Still, we were in awe of this little K-Car as it sat in our crooked driveway in all its boxed-out glory. We couldn’t wait to use the cassette player, manually roll down the windows and sit 3 across in the front and back. I vividly remember traveling in the K-Car with my dad all the way out to North Adams State College (now MCLA) to pick up my sister on a few occasions. On one particular trip I got sick from eating too many circus peanuts. I hate circus peanuts.

5. Volkswagen Bus
Tell me you don’t know someone who STILL points at these vans and says “The Libyans!” Well, you do now. I am that person.

6. Cars with wood paneling.
Like me, I’m sure the first thing you think of is the Griswold’s Wagon Queen Family Truckster. I had no idea that was the name of it until I Googled it! I’d like to know who actually thought that wood paneling would ADD to a car’s exterior. Probably the same guy who installed wood paneling on the walls in my childhood home…aaah…the 70’s. Yes, it’s a rarity now, but believe it or not, some car companies have actually resurrected the wood paneling.

Like the PT Cruiser...

And for a mere $600 you can purchase a wood panel graphics kit for your Jeep Commander...

Oh, Chrysler...and you wonder why you need a bail out...

7. Minivans
When I was young, several of my friends' parents owned minivans, except we called them all "Caravans" then. I was SO jealous. I couldn't get over the fact that we could each have our own seat in the back! All these families of 4 were getting minivans, but our family of 6 apparently HAD to have the K-Car. The best part is that one of my friend's actually had a Caravan with wood-paneling. A double whammy...

Although practical, I have a strict no-minivan policy. If/when I have children, I would much rather have a station wagon.

But if you think that's bad, here's another double-whammy...

8. Convertibles with the top down in non-convertible weather.

Don't get me wrong, I used to own a Jeep Wrangler and there were times when I would be driving home at night with the top down and the heat on, but have you ever put the top up or down on a Wrangler? It's a P in the A. Call me lazy if you will. Convertible CARS are different. It's not that difficult to put the top up. Yes, we see you with the top down, which we know is exactly what you want, but we're laughing at you from inside our heated cars. We know you're cold. You have nothing to prove to us. It's a bit premature. Why don't you just surrender and put the top up already? Unless...New England has some sort of secret race every year for convertibles. Maybe the first person seen with his or her top down wins a prize?

No Offense, We Just Aren't Interested.

2008-11-20T20:23:00.015-05:00

For the past 5 or 6 years I have been receiving an abundance of invitations to fake purse parties, jewelry parties, houseware parties, Tupperware parties and beauty product parties. I can see how a lot of women might like these parties because they combine 2 things that EVERY woman loves: parties and shopping. And I can see how women might also love them because they are trendy, they apparently act as an excuse to have a girls' night out (or “GNO” as it’s sometimes referred to) and they offer product discounts to the women who host them.

I have to admit that I’ve had a lot of fun at the few parties I’ve attended, but that’s because I got to spend time chatting, laughing, eating and drinking with friends and family. The presentation of the products by the consultant and the passing around of the catalog was the dullest part of the party. The products were not a fun factor. They were a party foul. The things that made this party fun were things that could’ve been done at a regular party, at a restaurant, at a bar or even on a random Tuesday night in my basement.

The last thing I want to do is offend anyone. Really. I’m just wondering what the appeal is with these parties. I’ve talked to a lot of women and, honestly, very few have told me that they genuinely enjoy them. Frankly, I am overjoyed to find out that I am NOT alone after all. That’s right, just like me, women all over the world are running out of excuses for these things.

A party, by definition, is supposed to be fun, right? So you must wonder why I’m complaining about going to a party. Well, the way I see it, having a product party (or whatever the umbrella term may be) is kind of like adding nuts to brownies or chocolate chip cookies – there’s NO NEED for it. Brownies, chocolate chip cookies and parties are all PERFECT just the way they are. Just like I don’t want to eat a brownie or chocolate chip cookie with nuts in it, I don’t want to go to a product party.

And here’s why…

The Pressure to Buy Something We Don’t Want or Need
When people attend one of these parties, they ALWAYS feel pressured to purchase something. How can you NOT feel pressured? During the presentation of the products, the consultant goes on and on about how much the hostess gets for “free.” And since women are so great at “feeling bad” and pretending to be nice, many of them, unfortunately, end up purchasing the cheapest item in the catalog: a $4.00 uni-tasker that is going to sit in their kitchen drawer and collect dust for the next 20 years. And I’m sorry, but adding a “No obligation to buy!” stamp to the invitation/evite doesn’t make this feeling go away. Trust me, we all feel guilty leaving the party empty handed. So WHY are we doing this to each other?

The Products are Overrated and Overpriced
Like many other women, I love buying new things for my home and my closet. At home, I’m constantly rearranging things and I love purchasing new clothes so that I can try out new looks. So I must love to shop, right? No, I don’t. Shopping is not a hobby for me. It’s a chore. When I go shopping I am usually on a mission and that’s why 95% of the time I choose to go shopping by myself. I have found that when I shop with other people, I sometimes get stuck going into stores that I’m not interested in or I feel pressured to limit my time in the fitting room. It’s one thing if I have the time to do some leisure shopping, but the mall is not really the place I want to be when I have free time. It’s generally a place I go when I’m on a mission. Since I don’t seem to enjoy the shopping experience, one might think that these “parties” present an ideal situation for me; I won’t have to wait in line or fight the crowds at the mall. But, like most people, I like what I like. And most of the products I’ve seen in these catalogs do not suit my style or my needs. On the rare occasion that I do find something I like, it’s usually something I can find elsewhere at a cheaper price and it’s definitely not something I “need.”

I Don’t Need an Excuse for a GNO
I have found that if you openly complain about attending an upcoming product party, one of two things will occur: women will either agree with you completely (usually in a whisper because they feel bad about admitting it) or they will ask you why you’re complaining about having “an excuse to get together with the girls.” Since when do we need excuses to get together? What we really need are excuses to avoid purchasing hideous overpriced jewelry and fake handbags that look FAKE. Seriously, if getting together means attending more of these parties, then, ladies, it won’t be long before we start AVOIDING getting together. Let’s not allow this to happen. Please.

Just to reiterate, I don’t mean to offend anyone who hosts or attends these parties. I’m sure a lot of women genuinely love them. I am merely expressing an opinion that seems to be a lot more common than we think. I can probably guarantee that once people read this post, I will never receive another invitation again (or maybe someone with a sense of humor will make sure that I’m on EVERY invitation list from here on out). But it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that I despise these parties. I hate Sex and the City, I prefer shopping by myself, I am SO over designer handbags, I love beer, I avoid holding babies, I prefer cheap costume jewelry that I don’t have to worry about losing, I hate talking on the phone, I don’t sip cosmopolitans, I love meat (especially burgers), I don’t wear lipstick, I avoid choosing pink, I’ve never had my eyebrows done (although I could probably use it), I don’t drink tea, I don’t care about ever owning a pair of Manolo Blahniks, I’m not a very good cook and I got my first and only pedicure on my wedding day. You can't judge a woman because she's a woman. I may not be a “girly girl,” but I do love spending time with my girlfriends. I guess my idea of a GNO is just a little different than most other girls.

So, I’m planning on hosting my own product party very soon and I hope you’ll join me. I am going to take YOU into J. Crew and Anthropologie and present their products and have you buy some stuff that you may or may not want so that I can get 10% off of MY purchase. Hope to see you there!

True Life: I Compete in Secret Races

2008-11-15T08:39:00.011-05:00

Long time, no post.

In the past week I’ve had a few people ask me when my next post is coming. I’m not going to lie, this has made me feel pretty darn good. I, too, get excited to check for new posts on all of the blogs that I follow. The truth is, work has been really busy lately. Before you jump to conclusions, that doesn’t mean that I spend time blogging at work. It just means that when I get home from a busy day at work, I’d rather just sit on the couch and watch bad TV.

Believe me, I’ve had plenty of time to blog. I’m not one to use the “I’ve been busy” excuse. In fact, if I ever do use that as an excuse then you just caught me in a lie. You see, part of the problem is that Matt and I still have a desktop computer at home. It’s also on our 3rd floor where there’s no TV. And, unfortunately, our computer desk is accompanied by a hard, uninviting, wheel-less desk chair that forces me to sit so unnaturally erect that it’s been causing me lower back pain. I think it might be time to invest in a laptop, or a “labtop” as I’ve recently heard people refer to them. Yeah…I’m not really sure what that’s all about.

So, as you may or may not have noticed, I have yet to comment on the presidential race and election in any of my posts. Like Oprah with her show, I made the decision NOT to use my blog as a platform for any of the candidates. Ha! Just kidding. I’m not REALLY comparing myself to Oprah. The real reason why I haven’t commented on the election is because my political knowledge is minimal and therefore I lack confidence when speaking about anything political. I’m trying to work on this, but I’m not progressing very well.

That said, words cannot express how elated I am to see Barack Obama become our 44th President. I have shed many tears watching post-election coverage and it’s been absolutely exhilarating to witness the joy and excitement on different faces all across our country as they “watch history.”

But now that the Presidential race is over, I would like to discuss a different type of race and that is the SECRET RACE.

In an earlier post I implied that I have a lot of confessions to make, so here I am revealing another one. I’ve been told, on more than one occasion, that I am extremely competitive. And I'm sure you will agree after I explain what a secret race is. Or maybe you, too, will admit to participating in your own secret races.

I’m not too sure where my competitiveness comes from. Aries are known for their enthusiasm, stubbornness, impatience and straightforwardness, but not for their competitive nature. It’s possible that it could stem from my childhood. Maybe being the third of four children, I subconsciously competed for parental attention? Or maybe (definitely) I’m insecure about the possibility of being inferior to others. After all, I DO care way too much about what other people think of me.

However I acquired this trait, it seems to be manifesting itself on a daily basis in various ways. A secret race is something that I engage in almost every day. I have secret races on the treadmill, in the car, in the office, in the grocery store, on the computer, at the ATM and even on the couch. I race men, women, strangers, acquaintances, Matt, siblings, friends, enemies, idiots, infants, the elderly, the disabled. You name it and I’ll find a way to beat it.

So what exactly is a secret race?

Well, you know how dreadfully boring it is to run on a treadmill at the gym? I have found that the BEST way to spice up a treadmill workout is to initiate a secret race. All you have to do is wait for someone to hop on the treadmill next to you (ironically this is guaranteed to happen, even when ALL of the treadmills are free) and the race has begun. You see, I have this rule that anytime someone gets on the treadmill next to me and starts running, I cannot allow myself to stop running until AFTER he/she has stopped. This is how I guarantee my win. More often than not I don’t even look over at the other treadmill so when the “race” begins I usually don’t even know whether my competitor is male, female, old or young. I also have no idea what my competitor’s MPH is set at. And my competitor has no idea that he/she has just entered a secret race and that he/she is about to lose. Big time.

My secret races began on the treadmill, but some of the best secret races involve cars. For instance, if Matt and I have dinner at his parent’s house, we typically go straight there after work so we both have our own cars with us. When we part ways to drive home separately there is ALWAYS a secret race to get home. If he wasn’t aware of this before, he is now.

Also, when I’m stopped at a red light next to a car going in the same direction, sometimes I wait for the light to turn green and then I race to get ahead of him/her before the road narrows. But if I’m at a red light and I suspect that the person in the car next to me is initiating his/her own secret race WITH ME then I usually opt out of the race. That way, the other car tears off when the light turns green and the driver looks in the rearview mirror to see that I’m not participating and feels like an idiot for initiating this stupid secret race.

Driving on the highway also makes for some quality secret races. I especially like to pick out certain Masshole drivers who weave in and out of cars and switch lanes multiple times just to get 30 seconds ahead of where they were and then I make every effort possible to prevent them from doing this.

Sometimes when I’m walking or running near my home, I will race the cars that are stuck in traffic. I’ll be honest, this is a tough race to win, but it’s been done.

You can have all kinds of secret races, really.

At the ATM, I race the person using the machine next to me. Processing…processing…

At the grocery store, I race people to the checkout line and if it’s self-checkout then I race the people using the self-checkout next to me.

At work, I race my colleagues out the door so that I’m not responsible for locking up.

On the computer, I race others to be the first person with a witty response to a group email.

In the bathroom, I race people to the “good” stall.

At weddings, I race people to the bar.

At home, I race Matt to the couch so that I have the remote control and the “good” blanket, I race him to get on the computer, I race him to the shower after we workout and I race him to the 2nd floor bathroom when we come home (because it’s much too difficult to go up to the 3rd floor).

For some reason, I cannot control this competitiveness. My life has turned into one giant race. And apparently the only way that I can win is to not tell my competitors about the race. Isn't that called cheating?

My Favorite Person

2008-10-28T06:19:00.009-04:00

I was 22 when I convinced myself that I was never going to get married. None of my relationships up to that point had ever lasted more than a year. I was a bit young to be giving up hope, but things weren’t looking good and I thought it might be a good idea to start preparing myself for the inevitable.

So why, exactly, was I giving up hope at such a young age? Well, for starters I had very high standards and, in the words of Greg Behrendt, I just wasn’t that into anyone. The guys I was drawn to the most were often the guys that I couldn’t have. But maybe I wouldn’t have been into them either; after all, I didn't “get” them, so I never actually knew them long enough to confirm whether or not I was TRULY into them. If history does indeed repeat itself then I would've grown sick of them, too, within the year.

I tried to commend myself for being a “strong woman,” for knowing exactly what I wanted and refusing to “settle.” After all, this is someone that I have to spend the rest of my life with - this is a big deal! If there’s one minor thing that he does that annoys me, I have to think, can I live with this the rest of my life? Honestly, I think I would’ve broken up with someone because he ate his peas one at a time.

So, naturally I began to question my standards and my choosiness. I thought something was wrong with me, that maybe I wasn’t capable of loving someone enough to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to be IN LOVE, not just tolerate someone. But I had to face the facts; the odds of me finding a perfect match for my HIGH standards were very slim.

Here’s my list so that you can see for yourself…

· Must not have a criminal history.
· Must be a college graduate with a respectable job.
· Must be knowledgeable about a variety of topics, but not a know-it-all and not overly “book smart.”
· Must not have an unbearable Boston accent.
· Must be friendly to service workers.
· Must be somewhat chivalrous.
· Must be able to hold his own (socially) among a new group of people.
· Must understand and use sarcasm.
· Must like Seinfeld.
· Must like movies and TV.
· Must like FNX music and attending concerts.
· Must be open to owning dog/s, but not pitbulls, rottys, boxers, mastiffs, etc.
· Must like going out to eat.
· Must eat meat.
· Must not drink Budweiser or Bud Light.
· Must enjoy wine once in awhile.
· Must not smoke.
· Must include working out as a top priority.
· Must like sports, but cannot wear team jerseys.
· Must not wear tank tops of any kind out in public.
· Must be good-looking (shallow, but true, and don’t you try to deny it).
· Must be well dressed.
· Must have nice hair...and sideburns are a given.
· Must not have dirty hands and fingernails.
· Must not drive a pick-up.
· Must never be cheap, even when service isn’t that great.
· Must know that you do not go to a party empty-handed.
· Must be able to justify splurging every once in awhile.
· Must want to have 2-3 children.
· Must like to travel.
· Must not be a Republican.
· Must not be racist.
· Must be pro-choice.
· Must support same sex marriage.
· Must not be religious.
· Must meet the approval of my siblings.
· Must put up with me.

I know what you’re thinking - who do I think I am, right?

Well, here’s the thing, I’ve never considered myself a lucky person mainly because I’ve always associated luck with winning. Sure, I’ve won some money on scratch tickets here and there and I won a few coloring contests when I was younger, but I would never go so far as to call myself lucky. If you think about it, luck really has little to do with winning. As cheesy as this may sound, luck is more about happiness and success. And winning doesn’t always bring happiness and success, does it?

As you probably know, I’ve been married for over a year now. Matt and I have been together for almost 8 years, but we’ve known each other since the 7th grade. That’s a total of 17 years! We’ve known each other longer than we haven’t known each other.

Because I’ve known Matt for so long, I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously built that ridiculous list around him. But, even if I did, there’s no denying the fact that I got REALLY lucky. I’m not exactly sure what I did to deserve it, but, somehow, I managed to beat those incredible odds. I thought I would spend my entire life searching for my favorite person, but he was right there all along. And, thankfully, he puts up with me.

Happy 30th Birthday, Matt!

I have a confession to make (probably one of many).

2008-10-25T11:34:00.010-04:00

I am a news junkie as well as a TMZ junkie and I'm totally intrigued by the whole Tom and Gisele relationship. Which is strange to me because I've never really been much of a TB fan.

Yesterday I recorded Live with Regis and Kelly so that I could see Gisele on the show. You can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in to see a completely awkward, lanky Gisele sing a Bon Jovi song (you know he's one of my nemeses) with Michael Chiklis (Regis had the day off so he was a guest host) and Kelly Ripa who so obviously hated that Gisele was on the show because it meant the focus was on someone OTHER than her.

Anyway, Gisele is a freak of nature. She looks like she's walking on stilts that could snap in half at any moment (unfortunately it was Tom's leg that suffered the injury instead). But the odds of having a body like that are very slim and I guess that's why she gets paid so much money. Inheriting a body like that is like hitting the lottery.

But this post isn't about Gisele's ridiculous body, I actually would like a chance to defend her because I cannot believe the amount of criticism she is getting for "traveling the world" while Tom is "bedridden."

First of all, Gisele and Tom are NOT married, they are dating. Second of all, Tom had knee surgery, he's not on his deathbed. As a supermodel, it's part of her job to travel the world! If Matt injured his knee, I wouldn't stop working. Are these people saying that she is supposed to be at his beck and call 24/7 all because he has an injured knee? What if the tables were turned? What if Gisele broke her leg and couldn't model for several months? Would people be saying, "Oh my god, why is Tom Brady still playing football every Sunday when his girlfriend is bedridden?!?! Aaaaaaaaaah, NO, that would NOT happen.

What's For Dinner?

2008-10-23T18:26:00.012-04:00

As pathetic as this may sound, this is typically the first question that Matt and I ask each other when we wake up. Seriously. Our lives, literally, revolve around food. We don’t eat to live, we live to eat. And I’m not sure what to make of this.

Matt and I were at a wedding last Saturday (by the way weddings are a lot more fun when you haven’t been to one in awhile) and I was having a conversation with my friend, Allison, about packing lunches (this was relevant because she has a 2-year-old daughter and a husband who recently became a cranberry farmer near their home in Carver) and she said, "Seriously, when's the last time you had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?" I replied, "Actually, I had one today. Matt and I have them all the time."

So, while Allison and I went on to talk about how delicious PBJs are and a number of other ridiculously awesome topics including the foods we refuse to eat (I’m happy to say that my list only has about 8 items on it), I couldn't help thinking about how lame Matt and I are when it comes to making and eating meals. Now, I'll be honest, the reason I had a PBJ that particular day was because I needed something quick after my workout and I didn't want to eat too much during the day because I knew that I'd be eating a lot at the wedding. If I hadn’t worked out, I probably wouldn’t have eaten all day. Is that crazy? I know it’s not a healthy tactic, by any means, but I have a feeling that these strange eating habits might actually be closer to the norm. Seriously, I’d like to know one person that can actually refer to their overall diet as “healthy.” I can’t name a single person I know.

A typical week for us goes like this:

Monday through Wednesday
We refer to this as our "detox" period because the odds are pretty good that we just spent the weekend eating and drinking rubbish. We also look at it as "being good and saving up our calories for the weekend." On these days I have a light breakfast that typically includes 1 or 2 of the following: cereal, oatmeal, English muffin with PB, cottage cheese, banana or Luna bar. Then I have a light lunch which might include any 1 or 2 of those items that I did not eat for breakfast. For dinner, Matt will have a turkey sandwich and I will have a tuna sandwich.
Thursday
The breakfast and lunch routines remain the same. If Matt is home for dinner then we might order burritos. Otherwise, it's sandwiches again.
Friday
The breakfast and lunch routines remain the same. Again, if Matt is home then dinner might include ordering out or making a big meal together. Also, cocktails of some sort are typically consumed.
Saturday
The breakfast and lunch routines remain the same. Although, breakfast MAY be skipped depending upon wake-up times. Then, if we don't have any plans to see friends or family, dinner might include ordering out, going out to a restaurant or making a big meal together. Also, cocktails of some sort are typically consumed.
Sunday = Funday
This remains our "cheat day" even if Friday & Saturday of that week also turned into cheat days. We usually begin planning our cheat day on Monday and we spend the week getting psyched up for it. Sometimes a Sunday cheat day involves going to a friend's house and watching football. If that's the case then we can estimate our caloric intake to be 1,000 calories (give or take) MORE than our typical cheat day. Otherwise, we might just stay in and make something fatty and delicious for ourselves (pulled pork, guacamole, nachos, etc.), eat out at a restaurant (burgers, maybe) or order take-out (pizza, maybe). I can assure you there is never a low-cal option. Oh, and cocktails are most definitely consumed.

As you can see, our eating habits aren’t the best. But are your's or anyone else's really any better? Please tell me they're not.

For now, I’m ok with this. I think we can get away with it since we don’t have children, but what makes me nervous is thinking about feeding a family someday. I remember the days when my siblings and I used to annoy the hell out of my mother asking, “Maaaaaaa! What’s for dinner?” I had no idea how much pressure there really is to put a decent meal on the table.

And we definitely have a few additional obstacles to overcome...
1.) Matt and I can’t decide whether to order burritos or a pizza on a given night, so how the hell are we going to plan a different meal every night of the week?
2.) Matt is the chef in this little family. Unfortunately, I wasn’t lucky enough to have a mom who knew how to cook well so I learned ZERO culinary skills. Because my range is so limited, I’m going to have a very difficult time coming up with a 7-dinner rotation. Maybe I should start to get to know that Crockpot….
3.) A big meal with meat, a veggie and a starch costs a lot more money and a lot more TIME than a tuna sandwich.

Maybe we’re all unhealthy because we can be and having children finally forces us to become healthy. Damn, eating healthfully sounds exhausting. I’m not sure I’m ready for it.

P.S. Don’t read into this post.

At least I'm not waking up to Sonny & Cher every morning...

2008-10-10T18:39:00.008-04:00

Every year, as the summer winds down, I try to convince myself that “it will be good to get back into a routine.” Then, 6 weeks into the school year, I remember just how sucky this routine is.

Lately I’ve been feeling like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day. Not that my days are bad, but, as I wake up, shower, feed the dog, dry my hair, and put on mascara, all I can think is, “Didn’t I JUST do this?”

Some mornings I find myself looking in the mirror, contemplating how much money I'd pay to have someone do my hair and makeup every morning. It’s not that any of this takes a long time, it’s just that I would prefer to do it on my OWN time, like, you know, approximately 5 or 6 hours later.

On Monday mornings, I will jokingly say to Matt, “Is it Friday yet?” Along with the rest of the world, I wish every day could be Friday. In fact, Fridays just might beat out Saturdays as my favorite day of the week because the one routine that never gets old is the Friday routine.

From the moment I wake up on a Friday, everything feels differently. I never feel guilty setting the alarm a little later (or hitting the snooze button a few extra times). The iron doesn’t need turning on because WOO-HOO it’s JEANS day! Then there’s the “I’ll get there when I get there” attitude about arriving to work which means that for one morning of the week I don’t feel rushed. Much to Matt’s delight, I might even take Little Jerry for a walk just to take in this glorious Friday morning. And, although I make the same coffee in the same machine every day of the week, it always tastes a little more delicious on Friday morning.

The Friday work routine is also a little different. Colleagues seem happier and chattier, a 30-minute lunch can often turn into 60 minutes, there are fewer emails and phone calls waiting for me and even crises seem more manageable.

Then, there’s the Friday afternoon commute, which never seems to feel like a commute at all. Unless you have plans on a Friday night (which I typically do not), the Friday afternoon commute is surprisingly relaxing. It is the first time all week that I don’t feel like there’s something else I should be doing. Contractually, we can be out the door at 2:00 on a Friday, but, for some reason, I suddenly find myself taking my time wrapping up the workday. When I get into the car, I immediately open the sunroof, roll down the windows and turn up the stereo a little louder than normal. I carefully select songs that fit my mood and I take in every lyric, sometimes singing along, not caring what the person in the car next to me thinks about my performance. I am also not phased by traffic on Fridays. I stop for every pedestrian, I let other cars pull out in front of me and I don’t care that it may take me twice as long to get home. Because I know, when I get there, it will still be Friday, the start of the weekend.

There are only two commutes that top the Friday afternoon commute and they are the afternoon commute on the last day of school before Christmas vacation and the afternoon commute on the last day of the school year. Unfortunately, if you don't work in education, you may never experience this euphoria. Thankfully, Fridays come every week.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm sure I'll find someone else to blame.

2008-10-06T13:21:00.009-04:00

Face it, we're all idiots once in awhile. Since it's Monday and I don't mind making fun of myself, I thought I would share with you some "Molly Moments" from the past few weeks.

Story #1

The other day I was driving behind a car with a Patriots license plate frame. We came upon a red light and because I have a tendency to use my DBS (delayed breaking system), I ended up stopping much too close to the car. I began to examine the license plate frame and became somewhat confused when I read the words "National Football League" in my head. It took about 5-7 seconds for me to realize that this was NFL. I guess when an acronym is used so commonly, I forget what the letters actually stand for.

Story #2

When watching the Red Sox play Tampa Bay in Florida, you can see an ad for neweracap.com behind home plate. I spent a few minutes reading this as "newer a cap" and wondering what that could mean. The company is New Era Cap, if you haven't figured it out yet.

Story #3

When Matt and I were watching a Red Sox game at a bar, the following picture came up on the TV screen.

I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time so I read this as "Kev Matchup" and I thought to myself, "Who is this Kev Matchup guy? I've never heard of him before." I realized about 20 seconds too late what it actually said. The best part? I fell for it a second time a few weeks later.

I'm Sorry, What Did You Say?

2008-10-02T17:28:00.012-04:00

Do you consider yourself to be a good listener? Are you patient? Do you ask questions?

Or, when someone else is talking, are you just thinking about what you will say next?

I consider myself to be a good listener. I guess I should be grateful for that because my job is, essentially, a “professional listener.” Let’s face it, if I wasn’t a good listener or if I didn't know how to listen, then I’d be doing something else right now (and probably wouldn’t get summers off). But I will be honest, listening is definitely a skill that I've had to work to improve over the years.

When I'm with someone, one-on-one, or when I'm among a group of people, I find it very easy to listen to the speaker, make eye contact and give him/her my full attention. If, for some reason, I must multi-task when I'm listening to someone then I try to make a point of saying "I'm still listening." I know this isn't the most polite way to listen, but sometimes it is difficult to avoid and it's better than not having the time to listen at all. I do it because I genuinely enjoy listening to people talk and, for the most part, I am usually interested in what the speaker is saying. What some people do not understand or appreciate, though, is the fact that some people do their best listening while doing something else at the very same time. I've discovered that I am one of these people.

I’ve come to learn that I do my worst listening when it's the only thing I have to focus on. As you may or may not know, Matt and I watch The Biggest Loser religiously. Every week we complain that the show is too long (2 hours!), so for that reason alone maybe this won't come as a big surprise to anyone, but I often find myself zoning out in the middle of the show. For example, I will see the contestants participate in a "challenge," however I have no idea what the rules of the challenge are because I wasn't listening when they were stated by the host. YET, I was sitting there at the time and I was definitely staring at the TV screen and I WASN’T doing anything else. I don't get it. Something isn’t adding up.

Then there are the car rides. For some odd reason, I slip into a coma when I am a passenger in a car. Seriously, if you’re planning a long road trip, I am the LAST person you want to invite; you may as well go by yourself.

A car ride with me often goes like this:
1.) Driver tells story.
2.) I nod, say “yeah” or make some other one-word comment.
3.) Driver begins a new story.
4.) I repeat step 2.
5.) Driver apologizes for “talking my ear off.”
6.) I say “No need to apologize.”
7.) Repeat steps 1-6.

Most often in these "car cases," I really am listening, but I’m embarrassed to say that I’m not being an ACTIVE listener. When I'm riding in a car, my responses clearly lack quality and I never seem to ask the typical probing questions.

Another situation that occurs in the car involves listening to the radio (this might be related to the TV issue). Sometimes the driver will make a comment about something that is said on the radio and I have to respond, "Oh, I wasn't listening." So, what was I doing, you ask? The answer is I HAVE NO IDEA. I certainly wasn’t driving, so I can't even use "focusing on the road" as an excuse.

I confess. I’m not ALWAYS a good listener. I have some work to do. But I’ve become quite good at recognizing situations in which my listening skills are guaranteed to deteriorate. Here are some examples…

Adults Who Read Aloud (because they probably like the sound of their own voice)
By now, most people that are close to me know that I cannot listen to people read aloud, so, thankfully, they no longer do it. It CAN pose some problems, though, or at least some awkward situations. Try to imagine stopping strangers or acquaintances mid-sentence and telling them to hand over the piece of paper because you can't listen to them read aloud. Sometimes people take offense to this, but the fact remains that I have to read it myself. You can waste your time reading aloud, but I will just have to reread it when you are finished. On the other hand, maybe this is fine with you because you love to talk and you love the sound of your own voice.

People Who Simply Love to Talk
Some people just love to talk and I’m okay with that because I am one of them. However, I find it very difficult to listen to people who talk too much about themselves or their children. You MUST find a balance. I can fully appreciate someone who likes to talk, but if you like to talk then you also need to listen. You can't dominate every conversation and not give others the opportunity to be heard.

The Boomerang
I’m sure you know at least one person who can turn virtually any story back on his/herself. I'm convinced that these people practice their tactics in the privacy of their own home. More often than not, the stories aren't even related, but these people are very skillful; they have a sixth sense that allows them to find the smallest connection so that they can ALWAYS find a way to bring the focus back to themselves. You know there’s a problem when someone says “Speaking of the Presidential Campaign, did you notice my new haircut?”

The Non-Editors
As I mentioned previously, I love to talk. Give me a glass of wine and you will find this out soon enough. However, I think I’m pretty good at “reading” the natural progression of a conversation. For the most part, I think I know when to listen, when to talk, when to interject, when to interrupt (I believe that sometimes it IS necessary to interrupt) and, most importantly, I know when to edit for content.

Have you ever found yourself listening to a story wondering when the speaker is ever going to get to the point? The BEST example of this is a story that starts like this: “Last Monday, no wait, maybe it was Tuesday? Or was it Sunday?” Um, can I have the last 5 minutes of my life back? I’m not saying I have more important things to be doing or that my time is more precious than yours, but I’ve now lost interest because THIS INFORMATION IS IRRELEVANT. You don’t have to provide EVERY detail to get your point across. Take a cue from my husband, Matt, and begin EVERY story with “yesterday” even if it was 7 years ago. Unless, of course, you’re under oath.

Relentless Agenda-Pushers
I am known for having strong opinions, but I’m also known for changing my mind about certain things. This may come as a surprise to some people, but I like when others “play devil’s advocate.” I consider myself an open-minded person and the fact that I DO change my mind, on occasion, should tell you that I am not 100% set in my ways. I also don’t have a problem admitting to someone that they’ve made a good point. What bothers me, though, is when people try relentlessly to change the opinions of others. Do they not recognize that this is a lost cause? As well as a party foul? Pushing your agenda on other people makes everyone else in the room uncomfortable. The world would be a pretty boring place if everyone had the same opinions so please do us all a favor and agree to disagree.

The Constant Complainer
Personally, I believe that it is normal to complain every once in awhile, but I don't want to listen to you if complaining is ALL that you do. Especially if you're complaining about things you cannot control. Yes, it would be nice if it wasn't going to rain the day of the party, but we're still going to hang out, crush some beers and eat some delicious snacks. The party isn't going to suck simply because it's raining, so get over it and make the most of it.

The Repetitive Story Teller
Recently Matt accused me of telling the same story too many times. I was absolutely mortified because this is something that I, myself, am annoyed by. When someone begins telling me a story for the second time, I usually have no problem telling him/her that I’ve already heard this story. What is funny (and by funny I mean annoying) is that the storyteller often ignores this comment and continues to tell the story for the second time anyway.

So what DO I enjoy listening to? To name a few...
• Good music
• Problems that I can relate to
• Family backgrounds
• Opinions
• Advice
• Breaking news
• Funny Stories
• News related to education
• Nonsense

Do You Ever Wonder...

2008-09-27T10:23:00.012-04:00

what your life would be like if you attended a different college?

I have a lot of pride in my alma mater and wouldn’t trade my four years at UMass for four years anywhere else, especially knowing now how everything turned out. However, on occasion, Matt and I like to discuss our “do-over colleges” - I often fantasize about NYU while he fantasizes about Maryland or USC.

Now, clearly there are cons to this fantasy, but that’s exactly why it’s a fantasy and not a reality. For instance, I highly doubt that I would’ve been accepted to NYU, I’d definitely have a lot more student loans (I can barely afford the loans I have now) and I’d probably have a lot more credit card debt because something tells me that I would've easily justified several outrageous fashion purchases all in the name of “fitting in” in NYC.

As they say, the grass is always greener…

Well, it wasn’t New York, Maryland or South Carolina, but last weekend, Matt and I decided to have our own little two-person reunion in Amherst. I skillfully scheduled a conference at UMass on Monday so that Matt and I could drive out there on Sunday, spend the day in Amherst and stay overnight at the University Lodge (very upscale).

The last time we were in Amherst was five years ago when we watched my younger brother graduate, but it’s actually been eight years since we last called Amherst our home. And while many changes have taken place over the past eight years, two things remain true: Amherst is a GREAT college town and UMass is a GREAT school.

The following is a list of some of our thoughts, discussions and realizations during and after our visit.

1. Eight years later we still get that indescribable feeling in our stomachs when we hit the UMass campus (sometimes we even get it when we hit the Amherst town line). I don’t know what it is. I used to think that it was just the excitement of being there, on our own and having the time of our lives with very little responsibilities, but why is that feeling still present eight years later? If I had attended a college in Boston, I don’t think I’d ever experience this sensation; Boston is a place I have visited quite often throughout my life and, therefore, I can associate it with lots of other things. Amherst, on the other hand, for me, is only associated with UMass and four of the best years of my life.

2. College kids look SO young. Or maybe we just look old. I’ll go with my first thought because Matt was very quick to say that he thought we fit right in and didn’t look out of place. And we DID get carded at the bar (the bartender even looked at the back of the license).

3. The fashion, overall, was highly disappointing. No matter what age you are, you always feel like you are “in the loop” when it comes to fashion. When I was in high school, I thought older people knew nothing about fashion. Then, when I was in college, I realized that high school kids weren’t really in the loop because they took much too long to catch onto the fashion trends. Now that I’m in my thirties, (and having somewhat of an identity crisis when it comes to fashion, but that’s a whole separate post) I realize that I am WAY more knowledgeable about fashion than I ever have been before. Maybe I can’t afford a lot of the stuff I would like to wear and my body doesn’t showcase the clothes as well it used to, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be knowledgable about today's fashion and still have one foot in the loop (let's face it, if you don't have a lot of money and you don't live in NY or LA, it's tough to be 100% in the loop).

Anyway, I guess we were expecting to see a lot more hipsters on campus. I think the only hipsters we did see were life-long Amherst residents who were well past college age. At this point we concluded that being a hipster is a lifestyle, not a trend. I tend to associate hipsters with a mid- to late-twenties/early thirties kind of crowd, but, after thinking about it, it’s hard to become a hipster. Hipsters are hipsters for life. I very much admire hipsters, but I could never become one no matter how hard I try. Yes, I can steal some of their fashion ideas, but I have a really hard time donning fashion that doesn’t coordinate (I have a similar problem with symmetry) and it’s tough to fight that. On another trendy note, as I walked through campus I saw only one girl wearing leggings and knee-high boots – she definitely stood out (probably in a sorority).

I digress.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that college students, for the most part, are slobs. Now, some people will argue that college is NOT a fashion show and that it’s actually a relief to be able to wear sweats/pajamas to class, however, you can still dress down and look good on a college budget. I always say that you can tell a lot about a person just by his/her jeans…well…let’s just say these kids are in need of a Stacy & Clinton intervention. Honestly, from what I saw, it doesn’t take a lot to stand out by looking good. Find yourself a nice pair of jeans and you’ll probably score a date that same night. And don’t give me that crap about college students being more focused on their studies than the latest fashion trends. We all know what college is REALLY about.

4. It was nice to see some new additions…

Several new buildings are now putting the old ones to shame. No, the campus isn't made up of ivy-covered historical buildings, but, if you just pause for a moment and take it all in, you will realize that UMass REALLY is a beautiful campus. I don’t know how to explain it except that it just FEELS exactly the way college SHOULD feel.

5. And sad to see some missing pieces…

Barcies, which was basically a hallway transformed into a bar and known for accepting any and all IDs, has been replaced by a typewriter/computer store. Yes, that’s right, a store that sells typewriters. Amherst is definitely a hippie town, but I was unaware that typewriters were in such high demand there. I’m pretty sure the only people in the store were members of the class of 2012 who stopped by to gawk at these ancient machines they had only heard about in legends and fairytales.

D.P. Dough, a calzone place that may have actually coined the term “freshmen 15,” has now become Mr. Chicken.

“Frat Row” basically doesn’t exist anymore. The houses are literally GONE and have been replaced only by grass. I guess this is a good thing?

Delano’s, my college bar of choice, was closed for renovations. Really, it’s about time. They were well overdue for renovations back in 2000.

The Copper Mine is the new name for what used to be an after hours club that was BYOB, if you can imagine that. The old name escapes us…maybe because WE are old.

6. We completely regret not taking advantage of all the school had to offer, mainly athletic events. I went to several basketball games throughout my four years, but, other than that, I only went to one football game and one field hockey game. I also never participated in intramurals...stupid.

7. The street that we lived on during our junior and senior years is DISGUSTING. I would be horrified if I was a parent driving down this street for the first time. The house that I lived in is probably in the best condition of any house on the street, but that isn’t saying much at all. On the other hand, it is still the best location; it’s as close as you can get to campus without actually being on campus.

8. Apparently students aren’t into “Sunday drinking” as much as we 30-year-olds are. We had no problem finding seats at a college bar to watch the Patriots lose last Sunday.

For those of you who didn’t visit or attend UMass, you might not “get it” BUT hopefully you can relate, in some way, with your own experiences. And if you haven’t visited your alma mater recently, I highly recommend it.

Just when you thought you had everything...

2008-09-18T21:27:00.006-04:00

I came across this fabulous find while perusing the Urban Outfitters blog...

"High Tide Heels"

I think the only way the designer MIGHT get someone to purchase these is if they come with a "swim like Michael Phelps" guarantee.

On the other hand, I would buy them with just a "learn to swim" guarantee...

Hold 'em high, my friends!

2008-09-15T18:33:00.008-04:00

I really hadn’t planned on referencing Seinfeld twice in one week, but I just couldn’t help myself.

From a Seinfeld standup routine:

“On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little pooper scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

Little Jerry Seinfeld is the first dog that I have ever owned. He was a grad school graduation gift from Matt and his arrival meant that I would "have to" move to the big city with Matt (coincidence? I don't think so).

For Matt and me, using poop bags was never an option - it was automatic. As far as we were concerned, the rule was this: you live in the city, you pick up after dog. Simple, right? Well, apparently this rule doesn’t apply to EVERYONE in EVERY city. Case in point: One time, about 1-2 years ago, I was walking Little Jerry in Lowell and I was stopped by a man who said to me, “You must not be from around here.” And I replied, “What do you mean?” He said, “You pick up after your dog!?!” With much conviction I responded, “It’s what ALL responsible dog owners SHOULD do.”

But, just like anything else, it’s actually NOT what all owners do. Just like every parent raises his/her children differently, every dog owner raises his/her dog differently.

On a typical walk with Little Jerry, I often witness dog owners stand by while their dogs poop, only to leave it behind for the next idiot (most likely me) to step in it. By experiencing so many close-calls, I’ve learned pretty quickly not to wear my Tory Burch flats or my Frye boots while walking Jerry.

But ruining designer shoes is not my only concern. Dogs naturally sniff out other dogs’ poop, thus exposing them to parasitic worms that can be transmitted to humans. Animal waste can also contribute to storm water pollution. It contains disease-carrying bacteria and toxins that can increase the risk of viral infections, flu, and skin rashes for ocean/lake swimmers near storm drain outlets. This creeps me out on a personal level because, believe it or not, Matt has actually gone swimming the Merrimack River!

My frustration around irresponsible pet owners has grown steadily over the past few years. So, I’ve decided that it’s time to take action. Yes, that’s right, my goal is to single-handedly change the ways of our urban, dog-owning society.

Not too long ago I was embarrassed to be seen picking up after Little Jerry (don't worry, though, I still did it). Well, not anymore. Now, when I have a full bag of poop, I hold it high for all the world to see. That’s right, I’m showing people that there is no shame in picking up after your dog. I am telling them that I am proud of this ripe bag of poop and I will gladly show it off like a Heisman trophy.

So please join me in this silent campaign and hold your poop bags high! We are capable of change! It is your civic duty (no pun intended)!

Next issue: Tackling dog-owners who ignorantly believe that their dogs are trained well enough to walk without a leash and then act completely shocked when their dogs run across traffic to meet Little Jerry and force my walk to come to a premature end while I wait for said owners to cross the street to retrieve their untrained dogs.

Really, Is This The Best You Can Do?

2008-09-08T21:28:00.009-04:00

I believe Jerry Seinfeld said it perfectly:

“This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far. The car-horn-honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. This man is out of ideas.”

I guess I was wrong when I thought that turning 30 years old meant that you were no longer eligible for the car-horn-honk. Just when I thought I had grown out of the phase of being honked at, it happened. In fact, it happened twice in one week.

The first "incident" occurred while I was running in Lowell and the second incident occurred when I was getting out of my car at a gas station in Billerica. At first I thought it was a mistake. Maybe the guy accidentally leaned on his horn. Or maybe someone cut him off. Or maybe there was a smokin’ hot chick running behind me in a bikini. However, in both cases, the honk was paired with a creepy look directed at me. One guy even waved. I’m getting skeeved again just thinking about it.

In all honesty, the Lowell incident doesn't concern me as much as the Billerica incident. Lowell is a college town, so I half expect honks to happen here with all the college students. Guys and girls, alike, will pretty much do anything to get some action in college. Especially when they are either A.) drunk or B.) bored. Let’s face it, there’s a lot of down time in college.

So, that leads me to the second incident in Billerica. Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking, “How many times does this girl reference AND visit a town that she despises so much?” The problem is that unless I want a 60-minute commute to and from work each day, I am forced to drive through Billerica.

During a typical commute through Billerica, I drive behind, in front of and past several blue-collar business trucks. One day last week, a man driving one of the aforementioned trucks honked at me. I turned towards the man driving the truck and gave him the most obvious look of disgust that I could come up with. Unfortunately, I don’t think it was good enough because he waved anyway.

At first, I felt embarrassed. Then I became angry.

Now, at THIS point you’re probably thinking, “Ugly Betty could get honked at in Lowell and Billerica!” But this post is not about me falling victim to the car-horn-honk (yes, I refer to myself as a “victim” because, unlike some other women, I cannot find it in me to feel flattered by this act). No, it’s about the honk in general.

The naïve part of me wants to believe that drivers who honk at runners are doing so to encourage the runner. That is all I can surmise. Otherwise, I am completely baffled by the car-horn-honk. As Jerry said, is this really the best that men can do?

Really, what do men intend to achieve from the car-horn-honk? Are they experiencing a sudden regression to their teenage years all in the name of fun? Do they secretly hope that the woman will drop everything in her hands and run after the truck and say, “Oh baby I want you so bad, let’s run off and get crazy together?" I bet most of them wouldn’t even know what to do if that really happened.

Or maybe the men just want the girl to giggle and wave back? Then again, maybe any positive response would do? And what if they do get the response they are looking for? Will they turn around? And if they do turn around, what will they do then?

I know exactly what they will do. They will see my face, they will realize that I’m a weathered 30-year-old and they will wish they had honked at the skinny 19-year-old girl who just pulled up to the pump next to me.

More Obsessions with Words...

2008-09-02T22:38:00.008-04:00

The other day I found myself window shopping for shoes online (does that even make sense?) and happened to come across a brand of shoes called Two Lips. I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Something about that name just completely grossed me out.

Once again, I got to thinking. Over the course of my life, I’ve outright cringed upon hearing certain words. In fact, sometimes I’m so distracted by a cringe-worthy word that I end up missing everything else the speaker says.

So, I decided to make a list of words (and some phrases) that literally stop me in my tracks. I made a point of leaving out the obvious racist remarks.

The following is a list of words that, in my opinion, could and should be removed from the English language entirely. I really don’t think anyone would miss them. Do you?

moist
panties
penalize (when pronounced with a long e sound)
cochlear
slacks
pissa
cool beans (believe it or not I’ve actually heard this phrase in the past 12 months)
eye-candy
WELL! (when uttered by Jane Coughlin)
fiancé
grow your business
dungarees
gnarly
tanorexic
be careful (like I'm going to follow YOUR advice)
anal
bunion
pocketbook
clusterfuck
chinos (they're called khakis)
snatch
up-and-coming (keep telling yourself that)
nice figure
gubernatorial
spiritual
Manch-vegas
po po (as in police)
pus
family-friendly
negligee
poncho
lol (I prefer "ha ha")
fugly
ginormous
rad
non-alcoholic
Brangelina (or any word combining the first names of a celebrity couple)
crotch
persnickety
mount
broad (when describing a woman)
closure
sketchy

Of course I had to balance this all out by thinking of words and phrases I LOVE for no other reason except that they’re either A.) hilarious (which happens to be a word I love) or B.) overused by none other than ME.

rubbish
duty
curmudgeon
awesome
sweet
cheesy
bookin it
chucker
guacamole
naïve
traverse
douchebag
psyched
lose my mind
pissed
snacks
nap
tchotke
brings nothing to the table
segue
wasted
dude
chick
Google
redundant
sucks
shady
insane
helmet
taco
worthless
poop
crackin up
sickening
idiot
smarmy
binkie
squalor
glorious
knock it off
moron
suspect
boobs
cumbersome
obvious
debunk
tomfoolery
bulbous (George Costanza’s head)
cougar
deliciousness
hipster
beaver
nonsense
macerate (what you do to the fruit when you make sangria)
cankle
rapscallion
kebab (best when said by Jamie Oliver)
ridiculous
hilarious
tagging
adjusts (I think it’s the s-t-s combo that makes me giggle – try saying it aloud)

Something tells me these 2 lists are just going to get longer over time…

The Wait is Over!

2008-08-21T08:33:00.029-04:00

Yesterday suddenly felt like fall. I was walking Little Jerry on the Riverwalk and wearing a long sleeve t-shirt for the first time in months and I began to get a little depressed about the end of summer and my return to work on Monday (yes, I give you permission to curse me out for complaining about having “only” 6 weeks off during the summer). But then I remembered my post from two weeks ago: focus on the positive. So, I decided to spend our walk thinking about all of the things I have to look forward to even as the summer ends.

1. All Things Pumpkin

The person who invented pumpkin beer might be my idol and the yearly anticipation is finally over! Although I don’t know which brewing company started this trend, many companies have followed suit. In my opinion, none compares to The Shipyard’s “Pumpkinhead Ale.”

A common complaint of spicy, flavored beer is that it’s difficult to drink more than 1 or 2, but Pumpkinhead is my personal favorite because the pumpkin flavor is ever so slight. With Pumpkinhead it’s easy to finish off your 6-pack so your $8 doesn’t go to waste. The only thing that bothers me about Pumpkinhead’s growing popularity is that it used to be available well into December, but now you’re VERY lucky if you can find it for a Halloween party. Shipyard really deserves a spot up on a pedestal alongside the person who originally combined chocolate and peanut butter (Reese?).

If you don’t like pumpkin flavored beer there’s always pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream (amazing!) or pumpkin pancakes (Johnny D’s, anyone?). If someone tells me that something is pumpkin flavored, my ears suddenly perk up and I must have it!

*Update: I just tried Dogfishead "Punkin Ale" for the first time and was pleasantly surprised. Actually, I have grown to love this brewing company thanks to my sister-in-law, Liz, who became a fan when she went to school in Delaware (that's where DFH is based out of). The pumpkin flavor is much stronger than Pumpkinhead and it definitely tastes spicier. The alcohol content is 7% so a 4-pack was just fine. I don't think I'd buy it as OFTEN as Pumpkinhead but it seems like it would be a nice little treat once in a while.

2. Candy Corn

As I see it, the world is divided into two groups: those who love candy corn and those who hate candy corn. This is yet another obsession of mine which probably accounts for 90% of my winter weight gain. I have actually been known to get ill after eating too much candy corn. It’s one of those things where I don’t know when to stop and I just keep shoveling handfuls into my mouth and then the stomachache hits me out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. Yet the next time I eat it, I do the same thing all over again, never learning my lesson.

Oh and it can’t be the chewy Brach’s candy corn, it has to be Farley’s or Zachary's candy corn. You know, the brand that has the really grainy sugary texture, comes in the round plastic container and somehow manages to prolong the candy corn season by making Reindeer Corn, Cupid Corn and Bunny Corn? It’s almost as if they knew I wouldn’t make it through a long New England winter without it!

3. Changing Weather

This is why I could never live in CA or FL. As much as I LOVE the summer, I have to admit that by the time the end of August rolls around, I always feel like I need a break from the 85 degree weather. Honestly, the pressure to maintain a “summer body” for bikinis, dresses, tank tops and skirts is quite exhausting. Sometimes I just want to put on my biggest sweatshirt and sweatpants and eat a whole pizza by myself. And then maybe wash it down with several handfuls of candy corn. Is that so bad?

4. Fall Fashion

Once you start packing on that weight for winter, you then have to try your best to hide it in something stylish. Fall fashion is perfect for this! My personal faves: sweaters, hoodies, skinny jeans, knee-high boots, oversized handbags, vests, long cardigans, scarves and Chuck Taylors. Enough said.

5. The Rib ‘n Brews Festival

Lowell is known for its festivals but this one is by far my favorite because it combines two of life’s greatest pleasures: BBQ and microbrews.

This event is held every year on the weekend after Labor Day. It’s the one weekend out of the year that I don’t have to drive to Somerville to enjoy Redbones, but it’s also fun to try the authentic BBQ from the south. It costs $20 to get into the microbrew tent where you can taste several different beers from breweries all around New England. $20 sounds like a lot at first, but it is totally worth it. They give you a checklist to taste each beer once, but a majority of the vendors don’t even look at it and encourage you to keep coming back for more! And don’t let the tiny little tasting cups fool you because I guarantee you’ll be walking home a bit sideways.

The first year Matt and I went to the Rib ‘n Brews Fest, we went by ourselves and just as we were about to leave the tent, it started thundering, lightning and pouring rain. Our first thought: “Hmmmm, stuck in a beer tent in the pouring rain…can’t think of anything better, really.”

If you're free on September 6th, come join us!

*UPDATE: It was announced on 8/21/08 that the Rib 'n Brews Fest has been cancelled! Since I've mentioned this festival in a few posts now, you can imagine my devastation. According to the Lowell Sun, the date has always been "unpopular" and the coordinator recently fell ill. As an alternative, he is trying to plan an Oktober-style beer festival since the microbrew tent has always been a successful component of the festival (no shit).

6. Parker’s Maple Barn

I feel bad for my brother, Gerard, because his “No NH Policy” means that he will never be able to experience this fabulous eatery that our friends, Amber & Matt, introduced us to a few years ago. Yes, it is in Mason, NH, in the middle of nowhere and you might have to wait over an hour for a table for 4 for a weekend brunch, but they have some of the best pumpkin pancakes I’ve ever had in my life, maple baby back ribs (yes the guys order this for brunch!), their own maple coffee, maple cream, maple syrup and…drum roll, please…MAPLE FRAPPES!

The first time we went here for brunch, Amber and I finished our meals and decided that we were going to order maple frappes for the ride home (on the ride there we had to resort to counting red doors to pass the time). Needless to say the frappes made for a very enjoyable ride home!

7. Concerts

So far I have Cold War Kids lined up for October 14th and word on the street is that Vampire Weekend will play in Boston sometime in December!

8. New TV Season

After a summer of reruns, it’s nice to have something to look forward to every night, even if it is a cheesy, 30-minute sitcom that you get way too wrapped up in. Don’t you remember when you were a kid and the season premieres always aired the first week of school? It’s depressing that nowadays we have to wait until the end of September/beginning of October. Except for a lonely few.

Here’s a list of some of my faves:

· Sept. 1 – Gossip Girl
· Sept. 2 – the “new” 90210 (that’s 9/02 for those of you who didn’t make the connection and you bet your ass I’ll be tuning into this show!)
· Sept. 7 – Entourage
· Sept. 16 – The Biggest Loser
· Sept. 22 – How I Met Your Mother
· Sept. 25 – The Office & Grey’s Anatomy
· Oct. 30 – 30 Rock
· Jan. 2009 (Boooooo!) – Lost, American Idol & The Bachelor (with Jason!!!)

And there’s still no word on the 3rd season of Flight of the Conchords (unless someone has some inside info I’m not aware of??). WOW…this is a bit depressing…I guess I really do watch a lot of TV.

9. Sunday Celebrations (and I’m not talking about showers, ladies)

When it comes down to it, the weekend is really only 1 day. Friday night is usually a wash because you’re exhausted from the week and by the time you leave work, go to the gym, stop at the liquor store and grocery store, fight traffic to get home, walk the dog and make dinner, it’s time to fall asleep watching TV on the couch.

And like many other people, I despise Sundays. They are so NOT relaxing for me because all I’m thinking about is how much I’m dreading the start of the work week…which is funny because once Monday morning comes, I’m usually fine. It’s just that Sunday afternoon and evening feeling that gets me every week. So how do I cope? As much as I hate football, I’ve come to realize that it is THE best excuse to go to a friend’s house, “watch” the game, drink a few beers and eat rubbish.

10. Matt Finally Turns 30

For 6 months out of every year my husband gets to rub it in my face that he is younger than me. This year has been especially fun for him because he’s been able to say casually “Yeah…I’m still in my 20s.” Enjoy the last 8 weeks of your 20s, Matt!

Granted, September 1st - January 1st will never compare to April – August, but I really do love this time of year. A new school year means an increase in pay, getting back into a routine and work is busy in a good way. I love postseason baseball, I love not feeling guilty about eating dinner at a French or Italian restaurant, I love Thanksgiving, I love the entire Christmas season, I love the first snowfall (notice I said first) and I even love getting dressed up for a cheesy New Year’s Eve party.

What I don’t love is January 2nd – April 1st: the bitter cold, having to walk the dog in the bitter cold, the thought that warmer weather is NEVER coming, much shorter days, dry white skin, no baseball and feeling like there’s “nothing to do.”

Happy (almost) fall everyone!

More Random Thoughts on the Olympics...

2008-08-19T21:18:00.011-04:00

Well, we are now into the second week of the Olympics and most of the exciting events are behind us. I do have some additional thoughts as they begin to wind down...

1. Like the rest of the world, I did not believe that Michael Phelps won a 7th gold medal in the 100m butterfly, but this underwater snapshot from SI.com is proof that he pulled this victory out of his ass. The touchboard doesn't lie.

As Matt said, this is just one reason why he should thank god for those freakishly long swimmer's fingers.

2. I have no idea what is going on with the gymnastics judging but Nastia Liukin was robbed of a gold medal on the parallel bars the other night. The Chinese girls, in addition to being underage, are winning medals they don’t deserve. Bob Costas keeps reminding us that just because the Olympics are held in China, doesn’t mean there are a greater number of Chinese judges. But Bob, there ARE other methods of cheating in the Olympics.

3. Table Tennis – Man I thought I could hold my own in a game of “ping pong” but, after watching these guys, I now realize I suck.

4. Even though he's Swiss, I found myself rooting for Roger Federer in the gold medal doubles tennis match. It probably wasn't as sweet as winning the gold in singles but, hey, good for him...and his partner, whatever his name is, must've been psyched to be along for the ride.

5. As I watched Alicia Sacramone choke, yet again, in the women's vault event finals, I couldn't help but notice that one of the other gymnasts (from Italy) gave her an awkward triple kiss when she completed her 2 vaults. Did anyone else see this? Apparently other people noticed it as well because it did make its way to YouTube. I wanted to post the video here, but it appears as though it's been removed...I wonder why...

6. I still haven't been able to find any javelin coverage...
Matt just sent me a link...apparently Leryn Franco was eliminated from the Olympics on Tuesday after failing to qualify for the javelin finals. Too bad. I'm sure NBC will see their ratings for track and field plummet. And the world won't be seeing a Leryn Franco Olympic calendar any time soon.

7. Men's Basketball is a joke...YAWN.

8. I need to become a hurdler so I can have a body like this...

9. I just finished watching the women's balance beam event finals. Although Nastia came in 2nd, I was so happy to see Shawn Johnson win a gold. Now they're each going home with 3 silvers and 1 gold. And I give you the non-chokers of the women's gymnastics team...

10. Believe it or not, the name Chrystl Bustos is uttered A LOT in my house. And here's why. Can you imagine playing softball against this woman?!?!

11. Did anyone happen to catch the trampoline? Yes, it is an olympic event and, yes, it is hilarious. You should see how high these girls jump. I don't know how they do it. I'm not sure I can even jump on a trampoline without peeing my pants. Seriously, it's happened to me twice.

Quote of the Day

2008-08-14T14:41:00.003-04:00

"Michael Phelps just broke another World Record. He got 8 hours of sleep in 7 hours and 52 minutes." -Dan Patrick

Random Thoughts on the Olympics...

2008-08-12T08:14:00.027-04:00

Further proof that my brother and I might be the same person...except for that whole gender issue of course.

I had most of this post typed up yesterday but didn't want to post it because A.) I had already written another post and B.) I was up until 1 a.m. watching the chuckers that make up the U.S. men's gymnastics team. Yes, it's the summer and I'm not working, but 1 a.m. is pretty late for me.

So here are some of my thoughts on the Olympics thus far...

First of all, let me start off by saying that the summer olympics are FAR more exciting and interesting than the winter olympics. Also, please remind me that I said this 2 years from now when I'm completely engrossed in the winter olympics and claiming the opposite.

1. I am so obsessed with the Beijing 2008 logo and the way that the font was created to look like Chinese brush strokes and the 3 cute little dots lined up over iji...I know I'm a dork...this infatuation goes back to high school when I was contemplating a career in graphic design. Imagine me a graphic designer? I'd probably be working right now.

2. Beijing looks stunning! I NEED to go there soon.

3. Opening Ceremonies = Amazing
The drummers were my personal favorite. Beijing and China really outdid themselves. I mean did you expect anything less? They make up 1/5 of the world and could dominate us tomorrow if they wanted to.

4. Women's weightlifting = Hilarious

5. Water polo = Hardest sport ever

6. Field Hockey = Awesome

7. The Water Cube & Bird's Nest = Coolest facilities EVER

8. Where is all the eye-candy for the girls? (I can't believe I just used that phrase...I've always hated it.) Watching the opening ceremonies, Matt and I saw Leryn Franco, a javelin thrower from Paraguay and immediately looked at each other and said "Who is THAT?!" And it really only begins with this girl. So my question is where are the good looking dudes? The swimmers are all a bunch of butter faces...oh wait...that term doesn't really work for guys now does it?

9. I understand that the basketball gymnasium is a brand new facility, but am I the only person who can't watch more than 5 minutes of a basketball game because of the squeaking sneakers on the floor?!?! (Gerard called me "insane" after making this comment.)

10. I've realized that there are several events that I will never excel at - EVER - even if I spent the past 30 years of my life training for them. And that is because you must be born a FREAK to be any good at these sports.

Example #1: Basketball
I am 5' 2". I quit playing basketball my freshman year of high school after spending a year on the freshman team and realizing that a girl in my grade who was over 6 feet tall and who had never (EVER) played basketball made the varsity team as a freshman. Yao Ming is 7' 5''. You and I will never know what that's like.

Example #2: Swimming
Have you taken a good look at Michael Phelps when he stands next to the pool? At first glance he looks like your average nerdy dude, but most humans cannot do what he does in the pool and for good reason. Phelps is 6' 4" with a wingspan 3 inches longer than his height! He was born with all of the physical qualities of a champion swimmer: height, flexible joints, broad shoulders, narrow waist and a long torso (something that does run in my family but unfortunately is paired with short legs). I think if we look really closely he might have webbed feet too..

Example #3: Gymnastics
Believe it or not, I might actually be a little tall for this sport. These girls are short and muscular - I believe it is called a high strength to weight ratio.

11. Then there are a few events that I could definitely participate in...even with just a few weeks of practicing.

Example #1: Archery
All you need is coordination. Easy.

Example #2: Handball
How is this an olympic sport? This is a game you play at recess. I don't see hopscotch in the olympics.

Example #3: Field Hockey
I had to throw that one in because I rocked the field back in the '90s.

12. Call me a chick all you want, but women's gymnastics and women's figure skating are MY Super Bowls. As you can imagine, I am extremely excited about the women's team finals tonight. However, I'm disappointed that there aren't really any team members that I "love" this time around. Except this girl because I love saying her name:

NASTIA.

13. I'm sorry but there's NO WAY the Chinese women's gymnastics team meets the age requirement of 16.

14. Just minutes after I was crying foul about the age of the Chinese team, the camera showed another "girl" from the German team. I immediately turned to Matt and asked "Is she 40?" As it turns out, I wasn't far off. It was 33-year-old Oksana Chusovitina from Russia who moved to Germany 2 years ago seeking better medical care for her son who had been diagnosed with Leukemia. She continued competing to earn money to pay the medical bills and just never stopped. She is wearing white in the photo below...check her out next to the Chinese gymnast

15. As I mentioned earlier, I was up until 1 a.m. last night watching the men's team competition. These guys apparently weren't expected to come away with ANY team medal after the Hamm brothers bailed on the team because of injuries.

The Chinese team was considered untouchable and favored to win gold. Japan was likely going to win the silver, however, last night "something special" was going on (gotta love those commentators). The guys were flawless up until the very last rotation: pommel horse. Apparently this was the "achilles heel" for the Americans. Only 3 of the men did a pommel horse routine and 2 of those 3 men were not even supposed to be on the team; they were the 2 alternates who joined the team after both Hamm brothers had to bow out. The commentators kept saying how "ironic" it was and how wonderful it would be if these 2 ended up earning the team a silver medal. Alas, they did not. They both choked and because of their horrendous pommel horse scores the team dropped from 2nd to 3rd.

The boys were happy with the bronze since they weren't expected to get a medal at all, but I can't help but think how pissed I'd be at those 2 chokers (sounds oddly similar to the word chucker).

16. You mean to tell me that not ONE person on this team DIDN'T think this was a good idea?

17. Not sure what's going on here but had to post this photo.

18. CANNOT wait for table tennis! Only 6 more days to go!

You Can Shove This Up Your Arse

2008-08-10T15:50:00.016-04:00

So it appears that in just ONE short summer TWO of my beloved movie series will disappoint and embarrass me.

As you know, I'm still recovering from the travesty that was/is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull and now, this Friday, George Lucas releases Star Wars: The Clone Wars, an animated feature film that can easily be confused for a video game when you see the trailer on TV.

My friend, Matt, who rivals my brother, Gerard, in argumentativeness (it can get ugly when they are in the same room together) recently saw this trailer and decided to include me on an email in which he questioned which series has become more embarrassing: Rocky or Star Wars. (If you were part of this email then you will find this post repetitive.) For those of you who do not know Matt, Rocky is to him what Star Wars is to me (what can I say...it's a family thing).

The very first point that Matt made in his email is that while Star Wars won more Oscars, OVERALL, Rocky won more QUALITY Oscars (e.g. Best Picture, Best Director).

Naturally, this got me thinking.

For as much as I love the Oscars, betting on the Oscars and attending Oscar parties (Stuff White People Like!), simply winning an Oscar does not necessarily make a movie great and, in my opinion, doesn't give it any more credibility.

Yes, maybe I AM bitter about Star Wars losing out to Annie Hall for the Best Picture Oscar in 1977 (P.S. I wasn't even born yet), however, I have to remind myself that there is a long list of terrible, forgettable movies that have won Oscars for Best Picture.

Honestly, I can't go back all that far because I'm not a huge fan of old movies. I've tried to be (that should be Stuff White People Like) but I just don't think that many of them have stood the test of time.

So let's review, shall we? In non-chronological order...

Topping my list is a little movie called The English Patient which won Best Picture in 1996. This is a movie that after a few attempts, I am still unable to watch in its entirety. In fact, if I ever have trouble getting my kids to fall asleep in the future, I'm going to threaten them with this movie. In my opinion, The English Patient just might be the WORST movie ever made. And let me say that I had this opinion long before Elaine Benes did.

If there is an award for the cheesiest movie ever made then it should easily go to Titanic, which somehow beat out Good Will Hunting and L.A. Confidential in 1997.

But apparently Hollywood likes its cheesy movies...especially cheesy EPICS...

Gladiator won Best Pic over Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in 2000?

Ghandi over E.T. in 1982? Ok, maybe that one was legit, but I was 4.

1995 was a tough year for nominees. Usual Suspects somehow went UNNOMINATED thus paving the way for the most overrated movie of all time, Braveheart, to win Best Pic.

There was also Dances with Wolves over Goodfellas in 1990.

The cheesy "romantic comedy" Shakespeare in Love beat out Saving Private Ryan in 1998.

How about Chicago over Gangs of New York in 2002? Ok, so Gangs wasn't that great, but it did have Hollywood's ever-precious Daniel Day Lewis in it. Not to mention there should be a law that states that a musical cannot win a Best Picture Oscar...isn't that what the Tony Awards are for? And I just noticed that The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers was also nominated that year. I guess the Academy missed the entire hour in which 2 hobbits were riding around on talking trees.

Crash should never have been nominated yet it beat out Brokeback Mountain in 2005.

And Chariots of Fire over Raiders of the Lost Ark in 1981? Ok, so maybe I'm cheating on this one because I've never actually seen Chariots, but I had to throw it in there because Raiders is another binkie of mine.

The farthest I will go back is to 1975; I'm sorry but Jaws should have beat out One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Driving Miss Daisy, which rivals The English Patient in bore factor (although I did make it all the way through DMD), beat out Field of Dreams, Dead Poet's Society AND Born on the Fourth of July in 1989????

Forrest Gump, although a great movie, should not have beat out Pulp Fiction OR Shawshank Redemption in 1994. Seriously, have you ever watched Gump a 2nd time all the way through? No. But you've definitely seen Pulp Fiction at least 5 times (I saw it twice in the theater) and you definitely stop to watch Shawshank every time you stumble across it when you're flipping through the channels on a random weeknight.

I think I've made my point.

There's not a LOT to like about Lowell...but maybe there's a little...

2008-08-05T15:05:00.017-04:00

A week has gone by since I returned to reality here in Lowell. After drowning myself in my sorrows (i.e. Watermelon Ale) for 7 days, I decided to try something I’m not very good at: focusing on the positive. And that starts with a simple reminder that it is still summer!

Thinking positively does not come naturally to me; it’s something that I have to remind myself to do on a daily basis. I’m hoping maybe 50 years from now this daily training will eventually pay off and I will be the most positive, most chipper, most popular person in the nursing home…oh wait…there will be no one to hang out with because we’ll probably all be dead. I’ll be sure to send you a postcard from hell and let you know just how hot it really is.

There I go again with my negativity.

One of the great things about growing older (get ready for the cliché) is that you gain a better understanding of who you really are, for better or worse. You can reflect on the reasons why you think the way you do, feel the way you do and act the way you do. And you realize you have the power to change those things, if you want to. No, I'm not reading you an excerpt from The Secret or A New Earth. This is common sense. Don't waste your time on these self-improvement books; you are capable of reflection and change as long as you have common sense.

I know that I am a pessimist and that sometimes (often?) I am too critical or judgmental. I find flaws in everything (mostly things having to do with myself). What’s worse is that my filter appears to be disintegrating with each passing day, so I’m beginning to understand why old people say exactly what’s on their minds. I procrastinate, I'm self-conscious, I'm stubborn, I'm opinionated without being smart enough to back up most of my opinions, I lack political knowledge, I'm irresponsible with money, I'm selfish, I'm cynical, I have OCD tendencies...the list goes on. (FYI – I can hear you continuing this list in your head right now so please stop!)

The real issue comes after you identify the problem areas (a more positive person would probably refer to them as “areas of improvement”); marked improvements don’t always come as quickly and as easily as you might picture them in your mind. For that reason, you may have to rely on the help of others.

My husband and my brothers have grown accustomed to calling me out on my whining, complaining and judgmental comments. And I appreciate that. I now find myself laughing at…well…myself. Sometimes I even like to stir the pot by blatantly complaining about something ridiculous just to get a reaction out of them. (It’s funny when you’re there.)

If you ask me whether or not I complain more than the average person, I’m not really sure. How do you measure that? Yes, some complaints are justified, but MOST are just plain silly, especially complaints about things that we have no control over. When I hated my most recent haircut, my husband had to hear me say that I hated it 100 times in just 3 days. For some reason I just wasn't born with the natural ability to say “This haircut sucks, but it’s just hair. It will grow back.” See…there I go again…now I'm complaining about my inabilities.

I’m currently working on incorporating this phrase into my life: “Yes, (insert sucky subject here) sucks, but there’s nothing I can do to change it so let’s move on.”

But let's get back to the topic at hand. Today I am working on positivity.

The New York Times Travel section recently printed an article that listed the top 25 destinations in the northeast. You might want to sit down for this one because Lowell, MA, was #3 on that list. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? The person that wrote the article clearly hasn’t visited too many places in the northeast. (Oops...that wasn't a positive beginning.)

Now that I’ve been living in #3 Lowell for more than 3 years, I’ll be frank and say that I’ve never “loved” it, but I consider it to be “fine” and there are some new additions that are making it a better place to live. And since we’re not moving to Dublin anytime soon, I’ve decided to make a list (surprise, surprise) of the positive things about Lowell so that I can make the most of my time here.

1. I get to live in a pretty good-sized condo with the best guy and best dog in the world.
2. It’s a city, not a white suburban town.
3. I’m not embarrassed to say that I live there (mainly as a result of #2).
4. My sister lives down the street.
5. Two of our closest friends live within a few miles.
6. I can walk Little Jerry or run on the Riverwalk.
7. It’s not a bad commute to work.
8. The movie theater is never too crowded and it has stadium seating.
9. A cute new boutique called Humanity just opened up downtown.
10. I can drive to NH to purchase things tax-free. (Unlike my brother I do NOT have a “No NH Policy” although whenever I return home I do feel like I just visited another planet.)
11. The Good Times 5k Race is a fun weekly event.
12. The festivals are always a blast, particularly the Rib ‘n Brews Fest in September. (I love my microbrews!)
13. We are within walking distance of the downtown area, Lowell Beerworks, Lelacheur Park (home of the Spinners), Tsongas Arena, the post office, a liquor store, The Coffee Mill (our favorite local coffeehouse), Mambo Grill (our favorite burrito place), good sushi restaurants, Café Paradiso (for frozen watermelon martinis) and The Old Court (our favorite Irish pub in the area) – that should count as 11 things!!

Now, I know this post was supposed to focus on the POSITIVE, but did you really think I wasn’t going to include a list of negatives? In my defense, please note that the positive list is LONGER than the negative list. I’d call that “making satisfactory progress.”

1. It’s not Boston, Cambridge or Somerville. And going into Boston, Cambridge or Somerville on a weekend night is considered a “trek” and therefore must be carefully planned.
2. It’s too close to NH.
3. I drive past 6 Market Baskets on my way to a decent grocery store in Tewksbury.
4. I also have to drive to Tewksbury to workout in a decent gym. Unfortunately this often plays a major role in whether or not I actually make it to the gym on a given day.
5. Poor driving/pedestrian etiquette (see previous post dated 5/31/08).
6. Hearing gunshots in front of our house in the middle of the night (one time).
7. Witnessing a drug deal go down on the corner of our street (more than once).
8. The Reggaeton base coming from the unit next door.
9. There are very few “memorable” restaurants. We have our favorites, naturally, because we live here, but we won't find our all-time favorite restaurants in Lowell.

10. The nearest halfway-decent shopping mall is located in Burlington which means that I have to wear a disguise.

Here’s to positive thoughts!

You Will Be Missed...

2008-08-01T07:58:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I have tears in my eyes as I write this post.

And I also can’t believe that I’m comparing this to an old post about reality TV and the fact that I always seem to get too attached to people I’ve never even met.

So, yes, as of 4 pm yesterday, it is the end of an era. And no longer do I have a hands-down favorite Boston athlete...or team, for that matter, as I'm not sure how interested I will be in the Red Sox anymore.

My favorite Boston team has changed several times over the course of my life, but only because my favorite athlete has changed over the years. My love for a specific sport has always been a direct result of my love for one specific athlete. The reasons behind my top-choices have varied from “he’s hot” to “he’s the best player on the team” to “he’s fun.” But when I add up the total number of years I have dedicated to one specific athlete or team, Manny and the Red Sox win. Hands down.

The Bruins suck. Hockey sucks. Tom Brady is dreamy but boring. Football gives me something to do on Sunday, but I will never fully understand the game and I don’t really care to (sorry Matt). And, yes, the Celtics are the world champions, but basketball puts me to bed earlier than football and I don’t consider any of the players on the team to be “exciting” (I used to be an Iverson fan).

While I completely understand the world of sports and the fact that athletes come and go, they get traded, they get hurt, they simply choose another team or they retire, I’m going to have a hard time getting over this one.

No, I did not know Manny personally. I can’t even quote his statistics. So, once again, I find myself wondering why I am so distraught over the loss of someone I never even knew.

People are always complaining that the game of baseball is boring. But for the past 7 years, Manny made it fun, exciting and easy to watch all 9 innings without ever changing the channel. Many fans had a love-hate relationship with him but, in my eyes, he simply could do no wrong.

So although you aren’t aware of my existence, Manny, I want you to know that I will miss you dearly.

IN MEMORIUM:

America Ain't So Beautiful

2008-07-28T21:16:00.001-04:00

I am not a world traveler, nor do I claim to be. But just because I haven’t traveled the world does not mean that I am an idiot or any less "cultured" than someone who has. There are people out there who honestly believe that they are more intelligent or simply better than others because they have, indeed, traveled to many countries. In a lot of cases, they are correct.

However, the REAL difference between me and these people has less to do with being cultured or uncultured and more to do with wealth and/or the sheer luck of being born anywhere BUT the U.S. I can't control the fact that my grandfather was chased out of his hometown of Bantry, County Cork, Ireland and that somehow he selected Arlington, MA, to raise his family thus forcing me to be born in boring old America. I also can't control the fact that my mother, for her entire life, has despised flying or that we never really had the money to take a family of 6 on a vacation (flying with 4 kids doesn't sound like much of a vacation to me).

Now, I know what you're thinking. I SHOULD be grateful just to be alive, have freedom and a house. And I am. But, when it comes to being cultured, Europeans have a huge advantage over Americans; rather than drive to another state for a "holiday" Europeans can actually drive to a whole other country and experience a completely different language and culture. If they choose to, they can visit several different countries within one week. Unfortunately, an equivalent trip for us just means traveling ACROSS our country…big effing deal.

Before I go on, let me make one thing clear; I'm not blaming my parents, my grandparents or anyone else for my lack of worldly experience/knowledge, I'm just saying that it’s difficult for people in the U.S. to fully experience other cultures unless they can afford to travel quite a bit.

The very first time I got on a plane, I was 18 years old and a freshman in college. I went to Fort Lauderdale for spring break with my roommate and her family (so not much of “spring break” if you know what I mean). We stayed at her grandfather’s $7.5 million mansion on the intercoastal (yes you read that correctly…Demi Moore and Bruce Willis even rented the house for several months when they were still married and one of them was making a movie there). So, needless to say, even though I hadn’t left the U.S., this was a culture shock for me in a lot of ways: 1st time on a plane, 1st time visiting a state outside of New England, 1st time visiting “the south,” 1st time seeing palm trees, 1st time in a $7.5 million mansion, 1st time hanging out with extremely wealthy people. Yes, I was being exposed to a different culture, per se, but not a “worldly” culture.

When I arrived home from Florida, I realized that I had been bitten by the travel bug. Honestly, I don’t really mind the whole airport aggravation and, with the exception of a few rough, head-pain-inducing landings, I typically enjoy flying. And, call me crazy, but I STILL find myself amazed about the fact that one morning I can be walking the streets of Dublin and, that same afternoon, I find myself at Corner Cupboard in Billerica, MA, buying a 12-pack of Raspberry UFO. Talk about a change of venue.

Fortunately for me, I had a few college trips that led me out of the country and then I married someone who also likes to travel (he actually saves money for traveling). As a result, I've averaged about 1 trip per year for the past 12 years...not bad! However, most of these trips can't really be considered "cultural." I can’t count Jamaica because I spent the entire trip fearing for my life. And I’m not counting Montreal because I was only there for one night: New Year’s Eve, 1998 (my mother still thinks I spent the night in Haverhill at my friend Catherine’s house). I’m also not counting Bermuda or Aruba because we really just spent the entire time on the beach.

My recent trip to Ireland was my first, real, cultural trip.

And, once again, I’ve been bitten by the bug. Only this time, I’d like my next trip to be a little longer…

A few years ago, Matt and I casually discussed moving to a warmer climate and although the weather would be appealing, I immediately nixed the idea based on the fact that I couldn’t stand to be so far away from my family. I am also terrified by the idea of having to look for a new job. Fast forward to today and I’m suddenly plotting ways in which Matt and I can realistically drop everything here in MA and move to Dublin (not forever, just for a year or so). And, as Matt so profoundly stated, "it's easier to look for a new job when you already have one."

You’ll be happy to know that Matt did end up talking some sense into me, but I still can’t seem to shake the whole idea. I truly envy people who can and have dropped everything to begin a new life (maybe saying a “different life” would be more appropriate) in another location. I guess this is actually something that DOES impress me. At this point in my life, I feel like the only thing keeping me from not making such a drastic change is money; unfortunately I have a lot of debt at the moment and not much (nothing) saved.

And so, it’s back to reality.

Many people have been inquiring about our trip, so here’s a brief rundown…you know I love lists!

My top 5 favorite things about Ireland (in general):

1. The views.

Breathtaking mountains and patchwork farms go on for miles making it impossible to fully capture them in a photo.

2. People are EXTREMELY friendly.

Imagine THAT Massachusetts!

In Ireland, you always receive a friendly "finger point" (they opt for this over a wave of the hand) from the people driving past you. Pedestrians crossing the street ALWAYS give a thank you wave when you stop to let them walk by. Also, strangers in general often use the term "cheers" as a catchall phrase that can mean "thanks," "your welcome" or simply "cheers."

3. The pubs.

First, I'd like to debunk the rumor that Guinness is served warm and "tastes better in Ireland." It is quite cold and tastes exactly the same. On another note, many of you will appreciate this - tipping a bartender is actually frowned upon! Also, for some reason, bars in the U.S. have not yet caught on to possibly the best invention ever: hooks on that little 1/2 wall in front of each of barstool. These were probably invented for the jackets of the men who spent an entire day in a pub, but this is truly every girl’s dream. I never had to worry about where to hang my purse or the fact that it was on the floor or that someone might spill on it or, worse, steal it.

*Update: I have recently been to 2 bars in the Somerville/Cambridge area that have the wall hooks that I mentioned above. Maybe I just never noticed them before or maybe American bars are starting to catch on...I'm not really sure, but you can imagine my excitement when I discovered them at Bukowski's Tavern in Cambridge and Old Magoon's Saloon in Somerville.

4. There's no sweating the small stuff.

A few examples: Swears are not edited on TV or radio. Freshly baked goods aren't wrapped up in anything, they just sit there on the shelf in all their carbohydrate glory. There are very few, if any, irrational SUVs. Clothes are hung out to dry. IDs aren't checked. There are no waiting lists or beepers to be seated at a restaurant.

5. It’s not America.

My top 5 favorite things about Dublin:

1. Diversity. (Stuff White People Like!)

Walking down the streets and into shops you hear languages from all over the world and no one flinches or makes comments about “foreigners.”

2. Style.

The clothing trends are way ahead of the U.S. and you can pretty much wear whatever you want without being labeled “weird.” The majority of guys are hipsters and the girls actually wear dresses when they go out to bars/clubs on the weekends, choosing to look classy (I cringe whenever I use that word but it’s appropriate here) rather than skanky.

3. It's easy to feel like you fit in.

I never felt like I was being judged because of my clothes/appearance or my American accent (or, as I like to call it, my recovering Boston accent).

4. There are “food halls” on every corner.

Sort of the equivalent of a mini Whole Foods, a food hall sells fresh produce, bread, fish and meat. They usually have racks and racks of gourmet sauces, oils and herbs and – the best part – they usually have a café where you can sit and eat a fresh, warm scone and sip a cup of coffee so good you can drink it black…imagine THAT America!

5. The restaurants/pubs.

The food in Ireland is far better today than it was 10-20 years ago (from what I've been told). You don’t have to go very far to find a gastropub or Belgian beer ON TAP! Leave it to me to find a Belgian Beer Festival in the land of Guinness! In addition, several pubs have "beer gardens" (slightly different from "al fresco" it's an open air seating area WITHIN the restaurant itself) and/or "beer halls" (think of a German Oktoberfest atmosphere with long community tables). Also, you can order Indian until 5 am and it’s way spicier than U.S. Indian restaurants.

So what’s next? Well, Prague is at the top of my list but London, Milan, Venice, Athens and Munich aren’t far behind!

I'd Like a Bowl of Chowd-ER, Please.

2008-07-16T11:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, so this is along the same lines as my last post but is anyone having a hard time dealing with this new phenomenon (or maybe not SO new) in which companies all over New England (and in some cases, around the country) are embracing the Boston accent?

Someone recently told me a story in which a young girl was convinced that “chowder” was actually spelled “chowdah” because that was the only way she had ever (evah?) seen it written. And I don’t doubt that. Here’s why…

-Across MA the word “chowdah” or “chowda” shows up on numerous menus and even in company names! Best example: “The Boston Chowda Company”

-The Bostonville Grill (ironically located in Lynnfield) serves “soups, chowdah and chili” and, the equally terrible, “Kraveable Kids Kuisine.” (Purposely misspelling words to create alliteration in your company name is a whole separate issue. Kids aren’t smart enough to realize that you’re trying to be all cute and creative. Heck, some adults aren’t even smart enough! Most likely, kids will read your menu and believe that “crave” and “cuisine” are supposed to be spelled with a “k” not a “c.” They will subsequently fail all of their spelling tests thus destroying their self-esteem all because of your company. Not to mention, is "craveable" even a word? Seriously, are we encouraging our kids to grow up stupid?)

-An online company, www.chowdaheadz.com, sells “wicked pissah stuff” including t-shirts that say “Green Monstah.”

-I recently ate some “Gummy Lobstahs” from L.L. Bean (delicious, despite the name).

-I even found restaurants in Georgia and Florida called the “Monstah Lobstah” that serve “N.E. clam chowdah” and “lobstah.” Go figure.

Do Bostonians really like this? Do they find it funny? Do tourists find it funny? In my opinion, it’s just plain unprofessional. There’s a difference between having pride in where you’re from and simply looking like an uneducated moron. I know the accent slips out in conversation, but can we please stop spelling “er” words with “ah” or “a” ON PURPOSE, especially in business?

Peeved, Anyone?

2008-07-16T10:19:00.000-04:00

I know there are more important things to be concerned with (like war, poverty, starvation, etc.), but has anyone noticed the amount of erroneous words and phrases making their way into the English language and, in some cases, the dictionary?

As always, I’m not claiming that I’m perfect; we all make mistakes here and there. After all, the English language is one of THE most challenging languages to learn and understand. I’m pretty sure I’ll die without ever really knowing the difference between “awhile” and “a while.”

But isn’t there at least one person in your life who ALWAYS says “supposably” in conversation or writes “then” instead of “than” in their emails and it secretly drives you insane? The first time it happens you think it’s a simple mistake, but then you realize the person does this all the time and yet you don’t ever correct him/her.

Believe it or not, I think I fall somewhere in the middle when it comes to opinions on this. While I do find myself getting highly annoyed by certain misspellings, misuses and mispronunciations, I’ve met some people who are much more unforgiving. (I guess I have to be more forgiving, though, because I haven’t come close to mastering the language myself. For example, even though I know they’re incorrect, I still say “gonna” and “a whole nother.”)

Getting back to my point, it’s recently come to my attention that some mistakes, when made often enough, eventually become widely accepted. Thus beginning the dumbing down of America!

Below is a list of mistakes that truly aggravate me. Some of them can actually be found in the dictionary, but others cannot (yet). I’ve left out some of the most common annoyances such as the misuse of the apostrophe. Again, I’m not saying I’m perfect. In fact, I encourage you to call me out on my own mistakes! Please post a comment as I’d prefer NOT to look like an idiot, thank you.

Irregardless
Yes it was listed, but thankfully http://www.dictionary.com/ has this to say about the word:

Usage Note: Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.

Revert back
From the Department of Redundancy Department. The definition of revert is “to go back” so to say “revert back” is redundant. Leave “revert” alone.

Supposably
After doing some research, I’ve learned that supposably is an adverb, but it’s often used incorrectly in place of supposedly (this is what I find annoying). Apparently supposably can be used only when the meaning is 'capable of being supposed,' and then only in the U.S.

Expresso
No “x.” Just espresso. Make sure you get it right the next time you’re in Starbucks (or, better yet, an independent coffee house - hopefully your town has one).

Here are some phrases…

“I could care less.”
Oh, so you’re saying you COULD care less? That means you somewhat care. The correct phrase is “I could not care less.”

Vice-a Versa
There’s no “a” people; it’s just vice versa! As in “Miami Vice” or “I want to put my head in a vice when people say this incorrectly.”

“I feel nauseous.”
Nauseous means causing nausea or sickening so you are basically saying that you feel you make others sick. Next time say “I feel nauseated.”

“How does it look like?"
This may only be common among non-native English speakers (if that’s the case then I will be much more understanding) but you should be saying “What does it look like?” or “How does it look?”

And some common misspellings…

Definately – incorrect
Definitely – correct

Reccommend – incorrect
Recommend – correct

Seperate – incorrect
Separate – correct

Grammer – incorrect
Grammar – correct

Alot – incorrect
A lot - correct

So those are just a few of mine…what would you add to this list??

I Need Help Proscrastinating!

2008-07-09T16:34:00.000-04:00

I know I already alluded to reality TV in a previous post but, since there is NOTHING on TV during the summer months, I'm looking for some help.

I just finished watching the season finale of the reality show that I have remained so loyal to over the years: The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. I can't really explain why I like this show so much except for the fact that, several seasons in a row now, I have guessed the winner the second he/she stepped out of the limo on the first episode. I'm not saying I'm awesome just that it might actually be one of my greatest talents (which makes me the opposite of awesome).

For those of you who do not watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, DeAnna Pappas was this season's bachelorette who was "scorned" on the last season of The Bachelor when Brad Womack "led her on" and didn't choose either of the final women on the season finale. DeAnna was determined to find her "happy ending" so she returned as "The Bachelorette" to choose a husband from 25 men hand-picked from around the country. (Once again I have to thank Comcast for creating DVR so that I didn't have to listen to this same nonsense at the beginning of the show each week.)

Now, clearly I've never met DeAnna but what happens with these reality shows is that the audience (me included) tends to get so caught up in the show that they end up believing that they DO know the people involved. To me, DeAnna appeared to be a nice, genuine person looking for love and looking for someone to settle down with. Along the way, she did a great job of weeding out the tools (or, as my brother would say, "chuckas") no matter how physically attracted she was to them. And I commended her for that.

When it came down to the season finale and the final two bachelors, I thought it was in the bag for Jason (my original pick from episode 1), the nice, grounded, normal guy (who happened to have a kid but that shouldn't matter, in theory). However, as I watched the finale, I knew that my prediction would not be correct this time.

I am onto ABC and their silly little tactics. Their strategy was to overwhelm us with footage of DeAnna and Jason and lead us to believe that she would pick Jason. But she did not. Week after week DeAnna reiterated her painful story of being led on by the previous bachelor. Well, this time not only was Jason led on, so was the audience.

Instead of Jason, DeAnna chose Jesse, the "professional snowboarder" who never stopped using the word "like" during conversations with DeAnna's family and who also showed her family members how to say goodbye with a fist-to-fist bump and "explosion." He made me embarrassed FOR him. And then I was embarrassed for her. And then anger set in. But why? What do I care? They are, after all, two 26-year-old people whom I have never met. And who am I to say that they were or were not right for each other?

I realize now that it was Jason that I liked much more than DeAnna. I didn't want to see him get his heart broken again. And I didn't want him to have wasted all that time away from his son to try to "win" this woman who may not even be right for him.

Pathetic, I know. The few reality shows that I DO get wrapped up in always seem to disappoint so why do I even bother? Why set myself up for disappointment each time? Or why let myself even care about these people?

So, after spending WAY too much time watching and analyzing this foolish television show, I am forced to move on to the next foolish show. The season premiere of Lost is a painful 6 months away and the summer is filled to the brim with reruns and the worst of the worst in terms of reality TV. (Although I will confess that I've had a few chuckles watching people fall head first on the Wipeout obstacle course.)

I need some help finding some decent TV as I eagerly await the start of the Olympics (I'm a sucker for gymnastics and all the obscure events airing at 3 or 4 in the morning). It certainly doesn't help that I put my Netflix account on hold for the summer (don't even ask why). On top of that, I have always been excited about the summer movie season but Indiana Jones seems to have left a bad taste in my mouth. It's the only movie I've seen thus far and the only other movie I'm looking forward to is The Dark Knight (just like the rest of the world, I guess).

Just to clarify - I am NOT sitting around watching TV all day. I swear I am getting out during the day and I have read 3 novels since school ended. What I should be doing, though, is working on the assignments for the summer course that I'm taking. Somehow that textbook has remained unopened. Red Sox, the internet, grilling, reading (books I like), TV, the beach, enjoying a few cocktails, relaxing and exercising are all much more appealing. My summer, thus far, is proof that the more free time you have, the less productive you are.

So, when I do find myself around a TV this time of year, this is what I'm usually watching:

- Red Sox games
- America's Next Food Network Star
- Jeopardy (flipping back and forth between that and the Sox game)
- Channel 5 news
- Regis & Kelly (even though I can't stand how much she is in love with herself and that she never stops flexing her arms for the camera)
- TMZ
- Seinfeld
- The Secret Life of the American Teenager (desperation set in and now I'm locked in)
- Food Network (in general)

It's a pathetic list so if you have any recommendations, please let me know!

Otherwise I'll be forced to crack that textbook.

Paper? Clocks? You Must Be Joking.

2008-07-06T21:25:00.001-04:00

My one year wedding anniversary is exactly one week from today. I CANNOT believe how quickly time has passed. So, while I'm completely depressed about NOT jumping on a plane in 3 days to marry my best friend (SO cliche, I know, but truer than true in my situation) on the beach in Bermuda, I AM excited about our 1-year celebration.

For a few weeks now, I've been agonizing over anniversary gift ideas for my husband, Matt. If you know me at all then you know that I HATE traditions so this whole idea of themed anniversary gifts is just one more thing for me to make fun of and laugh at.

You may already be aware that, traditionally, the 1st year wedding anniversary is known as the "paper" anniversary, but it's recently come to my attention that there are now modern themes for anniversaries as well. Apparently the traditional list of anniversary themes and gift ideas hasn't stood the test of time. No pun intended but clocks have become the "modern" 1st anniversary theme.

I found some of the traditional to modern theme changes pretty interesting, actually. For example...

Leather moved from the 3rd year theme to the 9th year theme. Apparently that's something women are willing to wait for.
China has jumped from the 20th year to the 2nd year. Similarly, crystal has jumped from 15 years to only 3 years. Evidently these are things women cannot wait for.
Wood slipped from year 5 to year 6, altogether eliminating candy from the list. I don't know about you, but I'd MUCH prefer a bag of Swedish fish or Reese's peanut butter cups over something made of wood.
Desk sets have now replaced copper/wood for the 7-year theme. Yes, you read that correctly. I cannot even wager a guess on this one.
Maybe not surprising is the fact that diamonds now make 2 appearances on the list. They remain the 75th anniversary theme, but they have now overtaken tin as the 10th year theme. Clearly this decision was made because no one in their right mind (literally) makes it to their 75th wedding anniversary so there was no point in changing it.
Appliances have replaced flowers as the 4-year theme. Doesn't this go against the gift-giving etiquette we've been trying to instill in men since the 50's??

But I guess these changes make perfect sense for today's modern, materialistic, Sex and the City generation of women. Approximately 50% of first marriages in America end in divorce (the rate is higher for second and third marriages) so women, evidently, are looking for bigger, better, more expensive "things" that prove they can, indeed, put up with the same man for several years in a row. I mean, what else says "I love you" like a clock, right? In fact, the things on this list are so inane that I wouldn't be surprised if shoes and handbags were added in the years to come. And, from there, maybe it will get more specific to include Christian Louboutin shoes or an Hermes handbag.

And what about Hollywood? They must have their own, special list that omits everything except platinum and diamonds.

Getting back to the original list, though, I'm having some difficulty deciding which 1st year anniversary option is worse: paper or clocks? Do people still buy grandfather clocks? Cuckoo clocks? Engraved mantle clocks? I guess a wall clock might be nice, but I'm perfectly satisfied with the 2 wall clocks we have from Target and Pier 1. A watch might be nice, I guess, but Matt already has 2 of those. And certainly an alarm clock doesn't count, right? (Because you ARE aware that the alarm clock is one of my nemeses.) Why would ANY woman have a reason to give her husband an alarm clock as a 1st anniversary gift unless she's sending a message that he needs to be more punctual? After watching me change into a 7th outfit before going out, HE would be more justified giving ME an alarm clock.

After pondering this for a little while on my own, I decided to (yet again) seek advice from my trusty BFF. You may know her. Her name is Google. I will share with you some of her suggestions...

1. Books
I can't see myself buying my husband an "anniversary book." I guess I could buy him the new "Stuff White People Like" book. Or maybe this means I should write him a book? No, by the time I finish, it would no longer be our paper anniversary.
2. Stationery
Huh? He's perfectly satisfied using the back of an opened envelope.
3. Board games & puzzles
Huh?
4. Posters
Like the posters we had on our UMass dorm walls? Nothing says "Happy Anniversary" like an enlarged picture of Bob Marley smokin somethin.
5. Photos
Photos of the wedding? We already saw those.
6. Calendar
HE already did this for ME...sigh.
7. Tickets
Coldplay is August 4th so I wouldn't mind being on the RECEIVING end of some tickets...
8. Paintings
A painting is meaningless to everyone but the painter and the subject. Does this mean I should paint something myself and use Matt as my subject?
9. Coupons
Like an IOU? I may as well buy him a piece of cheese. Or maybe it means that I should buy the Sunday Globe for my husband and hand him the coupon section?

Hmmm...I'm thinking I may need to break up with Google because none of these ideas has "us" written all over it. She doesn't know us as well as I thought she did...

Upon deeming Google useless for this task, I decided to brainstorm my own list of 1st year "paper" anniversary gift ideas. Ladies and gentlemen, feel free to steal my ideas if you wish...

1. A piece of computer paper
If it's blank then HE gets to choose how to use it.
2. The Sunday Globe
Well it IS more substantial and more expensive than the Monday through Saturday Globe...and there's more paper involved...and there are coupons.
3. The bill for our 1-year anniversary dinner at the Oak Room
It shouldn't be TOO expensive, right?
4. Our marriage certificate
Just as a reminder, I guess?
5. A $15 parking ticket
Like the one I got in Newton Center last week while trying (and failing) to find the perfect (new) pair of jeans at National Jean Co.
6. Toilet paper
For sh*** and giggles (literally).
7. A grocery list
I'll buy if he flies.
8. Driving directions or a map
Any guy needs this. And a Garmin Nuvi would be too expensive...not to mention it doesn't fit the theme.
9. My paycheck
Ha ha...just the stub, of course, because I have direct deposit.
10. A "honey do" list
With a deadline.
11. A blank check
Because it will likely bounce.

OR

12. The ultimate...divorce papers!

Ok...so I'm kidding, of course, but I just can't help poking fun at ridiculous traditions.

After spending all this time trying to come up with creative 1st year anniversary gift ideas, I've decided to just stick with a card (and probably the Oak Room bill). After all, in less than 2 weeks, we will have the BEST "paper" gifts in our hands: 2 plane tickets to Ireland.

Wish you were coming...

Geeks Don't Have to Rule the World

2008-06-27T08:49:00.000-04:00

Seriously, what did we do before the internet? Monday was my last day of work before the long-awaited summer vacation and what do I come home to? A computer without an internet connection. Of course, the Xbox seems to be working fine. Just my luck…maybe Matt has something to do with this…

Normally, when our computer acts up, I wait for Matt to get home to try to solve the problem, but because I’m on VACATION, it is vital that I get this problem solved as quickly as possible. Also, because of the generation we grew up in, our combined knowledge of computers really is quite minimal, maybe equal to that of a current 2nd grader. Most of the time we pretend to know what the problem is so we click on several different icons thinking that we can solve it on our own, but if one of us does fix it, it's usually a result of sheer luck.

This time it is only minutes before I am on the phone with a Comcast technician. Thankfully she can’t see me trembling from nervousness as I try to pretend that I know what she’s talking about and that I know what I’m doing. First, she tells to me to click on the “tools” button and I immediately go for the “start” menu and cannot find tools. She’s already onto the 3rd or 4th step and I’m still looking for tools. We’re only 30 seconds into our conversation and I have to admit to her that “I can’t find tools.” She tells me that it’s located on Internet Explorer and of course I look in the top right corner of my screen and immediately feel like a moron. Great. There’s no redeeming myself after this one. Next, she has me telling her which lights are flashing on the modem and the router. Really, I am just relieved that I was able to figure out the difference between the modem and the router without having to ask. Alas, after following through with a few more orders, I realize that we (and by “we” I mean “she”) cannot diagnose the problem. I will not have internet access today. My vacation is ruined.

It has now been 5 days and we still do not have internet access because Matt’s “guy” is on vacation and Geeksquad costs $79 for one hour! Right now, I am at work just to check email and type this post.

The internet has become a crutch for people around the world. Kids today do not know a life without the internet. And it’s quite evident; I have witnessed, first hand, how much they rely on it (Stop plagiarizing already! You’re gonna get caught!). I, on the other hand, DO know a life without the internet and, believe it or not, I am grateful for that time.

I was first introduced to a computer in elementary school. Once a week, we would go to the computer lab to play Oregon Trail. I remember the terrible graphics and assigning my own family members’ names to each character in my wagon. In hindsight, I’m shocked that more students didn’t end up in the guidance office in tears after playing this game. After all, it’s got to be a bit traumatic having your brother die of cholera on the Oregon Trail. I also remember the teacher (when she was in a good mood) allowing us to make 10-page long “Happy Birthday” signs in which each letter was made up of several smaller versions of the same letter and the paper had the perforated edges that you had to tear off.

My computer use was pretty consistent all the way up through high school. In middle school, Mrs. Reber taught us how to type using "QWERTY" in between reminding us that her name was a palindrome. From middle school to high school we had one computer in each classroom and student use was typically limited to “lab time.” I knew only a few people that actually owned a computer and, unfortunately for me, it wasn’t a priority for my family (although we had every single video game system that you can imagine).

When I started having to write long papers in high school, I actually asked for a typewriter one Christmas. (Of course I got the damn typewriter because we always got everything we asked for.) Even in high school I was pulling all-nighters, typing papers while lying on my stomach on the living room floor, bottle of white out in hand and papers strewn all over the room (usually ripped out of the typewriter in a fit of rage over a margin mistake). I look back on this and simply laugh. If I had a computer, I could’ve written those papers in ¼ of the time, gotten a good night’s sleep and maybe even stayed for the entire school day the following day rather than get dismissed after turning in the paper.

Then came college. Unlike every freshman entering college THIS fall, I arrived at UMass without a computer. My wealthy roommate, whose parents were both doctors, obviously brought one of her own and graciously allowed me to use it. We were given our own email addresses when we arrived, but I can’t recall using it or giving it out until junior year. Junior year was the same year that one of our “guy friends” got a DVD player for Christmas and I watched a DVD player for the very first time. The cell phone, believe it or not, did not come until AFTER my college graduation.

Why am I reminiscing? Well, I’ve recently come to appreciate the generation in which I grew up. Maybe I will never fully understand the ins and outs of a computer and I’ll always have to rely on someone else to fix my computer problems, but I’m okay with that. I like the fact that I knew a time without a computer, without the internet, without a cell phone. Things seemed a lot simpler then. Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly grateful for each and every groundbreaking technological advancement (a big shout out to Apple, especially, for making the iPod), but I feel very privileged to have experienced a time without these “things.” And I’m hopeful that, when given he opportunity to raise my own kids, I can bring back some of the simplicity that I experienced as a kid and so vividly remember as an adult.

Have a happy 4th of July!
I will be away all week in a beach house with no computer.
And, suddenly, I’m looking forward to it.

nem•e•sis –noun, plural –ses

2008-06-17T09:42:00.000-04:00

1. something that a person cannot conquer, achieve, etc.: The performance test proved to be my nemesis.
2. an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best or overcome.
3. (initial capital letter) Classical Mythology. the goddess of divine
retribution.
4. an agent or act of retribution or punishment.

(From www.dictionary.reference.com)

It’s no secret that I’m passionate about the things I love and passionate about the things I hate. “Nemesis” happens to be one of my favorite words of all time. I love to overuse it by throwing it around unnecessarily in order to express (and exaggerate) my hatred for someone or something. In fact, I use it so much that last year my friend, Amber, and I had a conversation in which we were trying to figure out the plural form of nemesis and we came up with a lot of great alternatives that we still use today.

Nemeses, as you know, have been made famous by comic books and movies, but we can’t deny that we all have at least one of our own. Maybe our nemeses aren't as notorious as Darth Vader and Lex Luthor and our reasons for hating them aren't as legitimate as Luke Skywalker's and Superman's, but we DO have them.

Think about it.

You have your childhood nemesis, your high school nemesis, your college nemesis, your workplace nemesis, your neighborhood nemesis, your town nemesis, your gym nemesis, your celebrity nemesis, your political nemesis, your pro sports team nemesis…

And the list goes on.

Even Little Jerry has nemeses. Like the stray cat that taunts him by sitting at the end of our walkway and staring at him through the window, Scooby (our next door neighbors’ stupid Pomeranian that always jumps on his back), the vet, a stuffed Wicket doll, squirrels, bridges, the hairdryer, the vacuum.

In most cases, my nemeses don’t even know that they’re my nemeses and, in many cases, my nemeses aren’t even people. It doesn't make us bad people for having nemeses; you must remember that the nemesis is the bad person/thing, not you!

The following is a list of people/things I’ve referred to as “my nemesis” over the years. You’ll notice that many of the things on my list are completely irrational. In fact, I went to a BBQ at my friend Jessica’s this weekend and a former nemesis (who will remain nameless, for now) happened to show up there. When I told everyone that my nemesis had arrived, they asked me why he was my nemesis. Now, in my own mind, the reasons are endless, but the only response I could verbalize at the time was that he wears tube socks with sneakers and shorts. Apparently Elaine Benes has rubbed off on me.

People:
• Steve Carrell
• People who beat me at trivia games & sports
• Anyone who doesn’t wipe down machines or rack weights at the gym
• George W. Bush
• Paris Hilton
• Guys who wear wife beaters out in public
• Girls who (still) wear Uggs with mini skirts
• PETA
• The people down the street who leave dirty diapers, single shoes, filthy stuffed animals, Heineken bottles, winter jackets & last night’s leftover casserole strewn all over their yard
• Ben Stiller
• Tom Cruise
• People who don’t pick up after their dogs
• People who tailgate me when I’m already going 85 mph in the fast lane
• Curt Schilling
• Bon Jovi
• People who go to the gym for social reasons and never break a sweat

Things/Objects:
• Ford Mustangs
• Numerous jars/bottles that I’ve been unable to open
• Mosquitoes
• Sundays
• Wasabi
• The red light on my office phone that indicates I have a message waiting
• Bruises
• Pimples
• The sun
• The rain
• The wind
• The snow
• The Herald
• Jagermeister
• Xbox 360
• The line at the post office
• Football
• The alarm clock
• Shoes that gave me blisters
• WAAF
• “Spoof” movies
• The scale

Actions/Activities (strange, I know):
• Drying my hair
• Folding laundry
• Finding a parking space at the mall
• Running
• Emptying the dishwasher
• Making the bed
• Putting on sunscreen
• Engaging in small talk
• Trying things on in the fitting room
• Waking up

So, tell me, who or what is your nemesis? You know you have one...or ten.

Happy Father's Day, Dad

2008-06-15T17:13:00.000-04:00

You'll be happy to know that I'm remembering to "be good" and to "be careful." But mostly, and on this day especially, I just like remembering you.

Not For Love of the Game

2008-06-12T19:59:00.000-04:00

I went to work today...saw 6 Celtics shirts.

After work I went to the gym...saw 3 Celtics shirts.

Then I went to the grocery store...saw 2 Celtics shirts.

That's more Celtics shirts in 1 day than I've seen in the past 10 years!

What I can't escape more than Celtics shirts, though, are the complaints about the 9 pm tipoffs. If I hear one more person talk about how unfair it is to the kids, I might lose my mind. Literally. Do these people not understand that the NBA is trying to maximize its earning potential? And hasn't anyone realized that it simply means staying up late for a maximum of 7 nights out of 365 days in a year (366 this year)? You mean to tell me that kids haven't stayed up late for other, more ridiculous reasons? What about all those times they wet the bed and then have to stand there next to the bed while you tear off all the sheets, put them in the washing machine and remake the bed with clean sheets? You mean to tell me they got a good night's sleep all those nights? At least this is something they WANT to stay awake for.

Listen, the weather is warm, it's the end of the school year, summer is just around the corner and Boston is watching its 3rd pro sports team play in the finals in less than a year. No one should be complaining.

So while everyone else is whining, I'm simply wondering whether or not tonight will be the night that I, personally, am able to stay awake for an entire Celtics game for the first time in my life (without actually being at the game). This is a sign I'm getting old, I know. But please don't confuse my wondering with everyone else's whining. I have no problem admitting that I have fallen asleep for each and every one of the playoff games so far. And I'm fine with that. I don't claim to be a Superfan. Just like I stayed up to watch the Kooks on Monday night, I plan to stay awake to watch a Celtics playoff game when it actually matters (by my definition, that's when one team is about to win its 4th game). Until then, I will do my best to stay awake, but I can't make any promises. And here's why...

Just the other night I was home alone and I sat down to watch Game 3 by myself. After 5 minutes, I realized that I hadn't even been paying attention to the game, which is strange because I was staring at the TV for those 5 minutes. What was I doing during that time? I honestly have no idea, but I DO know that my lack of attention has nothing to do with a lack of understanding. Basketball is one of the easier sports to follow (and I MAY have hit the parquet, myself, back in the day for the Town Rec Department).

I guess, just like anything else, my opinion has changed. The Celtics playing in the finals has made me realize that I just don't LOVE basketball. Add that to the list with football.

It's no surprise that baseball is, by far, my favorite professional sport. But the truth is, I will watch ANY sport if it means hanging out and having a good time with friends and family. Case in point: I have despised soccer since I was in kindergarten. Half way through our first game, I ran off the field to tell my mother that I was quitting. Yet, 23 years later (2 years ago), I find myself at a bar in the North End watching every second of the World Cup finals and having the time of my life. If only we didn't have to wait 4 years for every World Cup!

When I was younger (in high school and college), I was a Superfan of Boston sports, in general. I've gone through phases that have included obsessions with Dwight Evans, Don Sweeney, Tim Naehring, Drew Bledsoe and Nomar Garciaparra, just to name a few. I was an avid fan of Sportscenter and WEEI and, for a girl, was actually fairly knowledgeable about sports (specifically baseball).

Part of the reason this Superfan behavior manifested itself was because I wanted the boys to think I was cool. I think it worked, at least for a short period of time. As I've grown older, I've played witness to the growing number of "pink hats" and female sportscasters in the professional sports world. Call me sexest, but I just can't find it in me to take them seriously - no matter how knowledgeable they are. This realization has helped me put an end to my own charades. No longer do I feel the need to be overly knowledgeable about sports, just to impress. This doesn't mean that I am no longer knowledgeable about sports; it just means that I've chosen to reveal fewer thoughts and opinions around sports. After all, I don't aspire to be the next Tina Cervasio or Heidi Watney; they annoy people more than they inform people.

Tonight, I am watching the Celtics by myself again. So, excuse me while I go fall asleep during the game.

LOST: Blackberry Pearl, Monday Night at The Paradise

2008-06-10T16:31:00.000-04:00

If we've had a discussion since last Friday then you probably already know that I ended up scoring tickets for last night’s Kooks show at the Paradise. After having a few beverages one night last week, I was able to “win” two tickets on eBay. Some people choose to drink and drive, others drink and dial. I guess I’m guilty of drunk online shopping.

UNLIKE drunk driving, you're not risking your life and the lives of others, you won’t end up in jail, your reputation won’t be tarnished and you won’t lose your job.

And UNLIKE drunk dialing, you won’t end up regretfully sleeping with an ex or, even worse, sleeping with someone you met at a lame Faneuil Hall bar, doing the walk of shame the following morning with raccoon eyes and your shirt on backwards and then, of course, having to make a trip to CVS to purchase an EPT two weeks later.

Instead, drunk shopping allows you to make irrational purchases that you will either A.) immediately justify upon receiving or B.) fight mall traffic in order to return for a refund (keeping in mind that your shipping and handling fees are non-refundable so basically you just spent $12 on a frustrating mall experience).

At first, the Kooks tickets (or any tickets, for that matter) might seem like an irrational purchase worth a refund. It's true that if I were thinking rationally, at the time, I may have argued that the tickets weren't going to be worth the money because it’s just a one-time event that’s over in a few hours and I’ll have to shell out more money when I get there, yada, yada, yada. Concert tickets are NOT a pair of True Religions or Tory Burch flats that I can justify as an “investment.” However, they ARE non-refundable. So option B wasn’t really an option, in this case, was it?

After using the process of elimination, I chose option A and immediately justified my purchase. After all, I wasn’t able to get tickets to last year’s sold out show, I already have too many regrets about passing up other shows at my favorite small venues and I’m President of the Kooks fan club (so my brothers’ say). Not to mention, the tickets only cost me $10 more than the face value. Those are pretty good rationales, right?

I’m happy to report that purchasing these tickets turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Yes, the show was on a Monday night, the 18+ factor made me feel like a coug and I’m now sans cell phone, but it was totally worth it! Despite a mediocre review from Joan Anderman of the Boston Globe, I thought the Kooks were AMAZING live (did you really think I'd say otherwise?)! The fact that her name is "Joan" tells me that she's too old to fully appreciate them.

Anyway, the best part was that they wasted NO time talking to the audience (except to say “we’re the Kooks” in their awesome, thick British accents). This, in turn, allowed them to fit in most of the tunes from their 2 albums. After all, I go to concerts to hear live music, not to take pictures and scream when the lead singer disingenuously tells the audience that Boston fans are the BEST!

If you’ve never heard them before, please download a few songs. It’s British pop, it’s fun, it’s catchy and what makes them stand out, in my opinion, is the fact that they don't pretend to be anything they are not and their voices are so distinctly British (unlike the British people who typically sing with American accents).

Some song suggestions: Naïve, She Moves in Her Own Way, Always Where I Need to Be, Shine On and Seaside (which we played at our wedding).

Oh, and by the way, if you’re trying to call me, it will probably take a few days for me to either A.) buy a new cell phone or B.) find my old one. I’m guessing I’m going to have to go with option A again. And you'll be happy to know that I won’t be having any drinks before that purchase.

Someone's Paying Attention.

2008-06-08T13:00:00.000-04:00

That was fast. It looks like someone answered the question from my last post.

Although I don't know Paul Dergarabedian (president of Media by the Numbers) personally, he must read my blog. I found the following quote from him in yesterday's Opinion section of the Boston Globe:

"This is to women what Indiana Jones and 'Star Wars,' let's say, are to men."
(referring to the $55.7 million earned by Sex and the City)

In other words, this guy's telling me that I'm a dude. As you can imagine, this wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for.

If only more women would realize that beneath all the action in Star Wars and Indiana Jones, there are two love stories.

I Prefer Beer, Thank You.

2008-06-05T18:09:00.000-04:00

Is it possible that Kung Fu Panda has what it takes?

I sure hope so. Otherwise we're counting on You Don't Mess with the Zohan. And we all know Adam Sandler has passed his prime. (Although, after writing this I learned that Zohan got a better Globe review than Panda.)

What am I getting at, exactly? I am looking, hoping, praying for Sex and the City to once and for all leave my life forever.

Four years ago, I felt a huge sense of relief when "SATC" finally went off the air. I was hopeful that American women would, at long last, move on and find real, distinguished, noble "heroines" to model themselves after. Little did I know that a movie was in the works and the Sex Superfans were extremely loyal.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how girly I try to be, I will never fully understand the hype around this show. Seriously, what is so "groundbreaking" about 4 women sipping cosmopolitans, obsessing over shoes and talking about sex? Sex jokes are old and juvenile, not groundbreaking. Let's leave the giggling to the teenagers.

The fact that so many women have been enraptured by this show and its characters has made me embarrassed to be female. Not that I possess any feminist qualities, whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony have spent the past week rolling around in their graves. Thank you, SJP, for leading us to this regression.

On the surface, the show appears as though it would be right up my alley. It’s about 4 females. I’m female. The women are “older.” I’m getting there. The women are very much into fashion. Me too. It takes place in N.Y. I had a blast the one time I went there.

That's where it ends.

At first, I was slightly alarmed by the fact that I did not like the show. While every other woman in the world was raving about it, I was still trying to find one redeeming quality. Was there something wrong with me?

So I asked myself…

Am I not feminine enough? Maybe I’m not old enough? Maybe I’m not fashionable enough? I certainly don’t earn enough money to purchase a pair of Manolos and the characters do take a lot of absurd fashion risks that even the most famous celebrities would laugh at.

Have I not spent enough time in NY? Maybe I’m not successful enough? Maybe it's because I'd choose a beer over a cosmo any day of the week. Or maybe I don’t talk about sex enough?

Or maybe…

I’m not narcissistic enough, rich enough, dramatic enough, materialistic enough, self-absorbed enough, desperate enough, raunchy enough, exhibitionistic enough, cliche enough, whiny enough, single enough, promiscuous enough, man-crazy enough, vulgar enough or slutty enough.

I definitely gossip enough. And shop enough. But these are things I try not to advertise because I'M EMBARRASSED BY THEM.

Honestly, I've given the show a try, on a few occasions, but I can't stomach an entire episode. I just don't care about these 4 women. And I certainly don't connect with them. On ANY level. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only people that have a real connection with these characters are spoiled housewives with too much time on their hands and women who are looking for an outlet because they're feeling miserable in their own relationships.

How did these women become our role models? What appealing qualities do they possess? Or is it the things they possess that are appealing?

For as much as I love fashion, shopping, gossip and a fun G.N.O., I certainly do not find myself yearning for the lifestyles these women have (that's called jealousy, ladies, and these women are not worthy of our jealousy). Face it, if you take away the fancy, designer clothes and move the characters to another city, all that's left is 4 not-so-attractive, foul-mouthed cougars.

In that case, we wouldn't be calling them heroines. We'd be calling them WT.

I Think I've Literally Been Driven Crazy

2008-05-31T23:58:00.001-04:00

UGH! I never thought anything could ruin a Friday afternoon commute until I got flipped off by someone who was cutting ME off. How does that work?

When I finally arrived home yesterday, I parked my car, got out and walked around it, inspecting every inch of it. No, I wasn’t looking for damage from a fender-bender, I was looking for a sign that said “PLEASE CUT ME OFF.” Maybe everyone shares this thought, but I truly believe that I get cut off more than any other person in the world. Is it the car that I drive? My friendly face? Or maybe I'm not riding the ass of the car in front of me enough.

I have a love-hate relationship with driving; there are moments when I’m in the car, singing along to my iPod tunes, it’s 75 degrees outside, the windows are down, the moon roof is open and I’m cruising around at 40 – 50 miles per hour with my aviators on. And then there are the moments when I am near tears, slamming my palms on the steering wheel, screaming F-bombs, calling Matt to let him know I’m going to be home much later than I thought and wishing that someone had invented a transport button prior to the year 2008.

If any of you were caught in the state-wide gridlock during the afternoon snowstorm last December, then you know exactly what I’m talking about - an extreme example, I know.

Unfortunately for me and countless other Massachusetts residents, the state in which we reside is notorious for breeding “Massholes.” I’ve been driving on Massachusetts roads for almost 14 years now. While I certainly don’t claim to have a good driving record (in fact, I might have one of the worst in MA - I’m pretty sure my photo is posted on the walls of a few insurance agencies around the state), it’s clear to me that the driving situation has drastically declined over the years. I’d like to think that one’s driving record has nothing to do with one’s driving etiquette but I could be very wrong.

Of course cars, in general, have their pros...

Transportation convenience.
Travel & leisure purposes.
They create job opportunities (production, maintenance).
Revenue from taxes.

And cons…

They're dangerous.
Accidents happen.
They're costly.
They create pollution.
They promote laziness.

Then there’s the fun stuff...

Choosing a car.
Picking a color.
Driving a new car off the lot.
Having AC for the first time.
Having heated seats for the first time.
Springing for add-ons like the iPod adapter.
Not having to rely on public transportation.
Paying it off while it’s still running smoothly.
Freedom to go wherever you want, whenever you want.

And the petty annoyances…

The monthly payments.
“Pain at the pump.”
The car’s heat feels too hot.
The AC feels too cold.
Opening the windows makes it too windy.
Realizing the moon roof you wanted your whole life causes the sun to beat down on your scalp and makes you super-sensitive to sunlight.
On certain days, the visor doesn’t quite line up with the sun.
A headlight burns out.
The engine light stays on.
Synthetic oil changes.
Stop and go traffic with a standard.
The idiots who don’t put their shopping carts in the corrals.
Road rage.

Even if you’ve enjoyed driving at one point in your life, you must admit that there’s not much to like about it these days. Think about it, when was the last time you actually witnessed someone stop for a pedestrian in the crosswalk (Lexington center not included) or pull over for an emergency vehicle with flashing lights and a blaring siren? How about a driver that leaves more than ten feet in between his car and the car in front of him? Or drivers coming off side roads who think THEY have the right of way? Either the driver's ed curriculum hasn't held up over time or driving etiquette has simply gone by the wayside.

But pedestrian etiquette seems to have also gone by the wayside, at least in my city. It’s very common to see pedestrians walk across the street without looking, wearing all black (usually hooded) clothing while the drivers have a green light at a light that’s well-known in the city for being the shortest green light on the planet. Apparently these pedestrians are only aware of their own precious time…I’d love to know where THEY are headed. These same pedestrians also tend to walk with a “limp” and take their sweet-ass time crossing the street, ensuring that you never get to your destination on time. I digress.

Driving is a very strange concept when you think about it. Just like anything else, there are rules; however it does require us to put a lot of trust in the human race.

This got me thinking.

I recently decided to conduct some of my own informal, sociological studies while driving. And, it appears that my driving etiquette isn’t what I thought it was. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I am a discriminatory driver!

Here are some of my findings:

1. It appears as though I’ve been awarded the MOST LIKELY TO GET CUT OFF superlative.

I’m hoping this is because of my friendly face and nothing more. Maybe it’s because I drive a Mini and they appear to be “happy” cars like a VW Beetle. I don’t mind letting cars go in front of me but it’s the pushy drivers I hate. And I can be stubborn behind the wheel when I have the right of way!

2. Drivers are more likely to let me go in front of them when I’m driving my Mini Cooper than when I’m driving my husband’s Subaru.

I have 2 guesses as to why this occurs:

People view a Mini as a half of a car so, in theory, if they allow me to go in front of them, they’re really only allowing themselves to get a half a car behind in traffic.

People are discriminating against me because they assume that a woman driving a Subaru is a lesbian.

3. This one I’m embarrassed to admit, but I’m much more likely to allow non-white drivers to pull out in front of me.

This is sometimes referred to as “reverse racism” but, in actuality, the term shouldn’t even exist because reverse racism is just plain racism. Wait a minute…that means I’m racist? Against my own race? Racism of ANY kind is not ok.

4. I typically only allow sedans and compact cars to pull out in front of me.

Maybe this is discrimination but there’s nothing I hate more than being stuck behind an SUV while driving my Mini. So, if you see me ignoring you as you’re trying to pull out in front of me, it’s because I don’t want to get stuck behind your over-sized vehicle that you told yourself you “needed” to buy when, really, you purchased it to make up for the areas in which you’re lacking. Let me guess, you also own a pit bull, rottweiler or mastiff.

In an older post, I commented on the cost of gas for my Mini. Well, Jenn Abelson, a Boston Globe writer, recently wrote a very interesting article about frustrated owners of “gas guzzlers” and I’m sure you can guess that the Mini was not on the list. In the article, George Hoffer, an economics professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, refers to the SUV as an “irrational vehicle.” My older brother and I found this quite funny for a number of reasons. First of all, these “frustrated” owners knew exactly what they signed up for when they purchased their SUVs.

Click here to view Jenn Abelson's entire article: http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2008/05/06/frustrated_owners_try_to_unload_their_guzzlers/

Now, before you all get upset, let me say that I don’t hate all SUVs, I just hate the over-sized, irrational SUVs (and pickups) such as Hummers, Suburbans, Yukons, Escalades and F150s. And I don’t claim to be awesome because I own a Mini; I’ll be the first to admit that I bought it because it is cute and British, not because it is small, eco-friendly or has good MPG. I guess I'm just tired of people suggesting that they "need" an SUV when, really, they just want one for the same reasons that I wanted a Mini. Face it, most SUVs hold the same amount of people and groceries that a regular car holds. And, if you do have a large family, there are other options out there such as minivans or station wagons, but I guess those aren't trendy enough.

For those of you who are SUV-obsessed and plan on staying that way, there is good news. You now have several new eco-friendly options available to you including smaller-sizes, hybrids and crossovers. And, just to be clear, I don’t hold grudges against people who own SUVs; after all, part of the reason they became so popular was because we were led to believe that they're safer than smaller cars when, in fact, they aren’t (I won't bore you with statistics at this time). Similarly, many people have been "forced" to buy SUVs just so they can see around all the irrational vehicles on the SUV-infested roads.

Ideally, if we want to consider the safety of the entire American population, and not just ourselves, it makes a lot more sense for everyone to own smaller cars rather than continually trying to one-up one another with bigger cars and trucks.

So, while America’s SUV obsession has become embarrassing over the years, there is a glimmer of hope; it appears that the SUV craze has, indeed, peaked. Those Hummer owners who thought they were so cool and powerful just a few short years ago are now being shunned by their trendy, green neighbors.

What is more baffling to me is that Americans compete with each other to own the largest car while the British compete to own the smallest car. Yes, the two countries are located on different continents, but how can it be possible for the two to have such drastically different ideologies regarding cars?

Once again, I digress. Maybe that should’ve been a separate post!

I’m throwing you all a bone here, but if you own an SUV and you’d like to retort, all you have to do is Google the Mini (my car) and Subaru (my husband’s car), together, to find out what they have in common. I'm sure this will give you more than enough material for future jokes - http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/12/fashion/12cars.html?8dpc

Oh, and by the way, if I won the lottery tomorrow, one of the first things I'd do is buy a Range Rover or Mercedes G-Wagen.

Face It, A.C., You're Not Making a Comeback.

2008-05-27T09:05:00.000-04:00

Ah...Memorial Day weekend. It's all about BBQing, drinking, playing lawn games, getting eaten by mammoth mosquitoes and shooting the sh** with your friends. A summer tease that makes me dread going back to work on Tuesday is what it is. Uh, what exactly is it that we are memorializing again? Just kidding.

With potato salad and 12-packs in hand, we went to our first cookout of the weekend on Sunday. And while many of our high school friends have now produced offspring, it's comforting to know that we can still immerse ourselves in nonsensical conversations. I mean, really, who wants to talk about mortgages, Hillary & Barack, the economy, how much it costs to build a fence or who has a bigger backyard when we can question why Mario Lopez made the list of top ten sexiest celebrity abs?

Much to my delight, it was someone other than me who initiated this conversation. It was actually my friend, Liz, who informed us that A.C. Slater made Life and Style magazine's list of top ten sexiest abs. Her reaction? The same as mine: "Seriously, they couldn't find anyone better? How about David Beckham?"

Now, please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not into "hot bodies" the way that I used to be; I can assure you that the days of me ripping shirtless photos of Jordan Knight, Kirk Cameron and Jonathan Brandis out of Bop and Teen Beat and taping them to my bedroom walls are long over. But Mr. Mullet, himself? I know it's an "ab" contest but they didn't put bags over any of their heads, did they? Shouldn't looks, style, career and reputation count for something in this contest? In all "celebrity" contests, for that matter? If your answer is "no", ask your subconscious.

But before we question why A.C. Slater made this list, I'd prefer to know why he's still in the public eye. I hear that he has a new book out - something about fitness. Is anyone going to buy it? Well, I guess they will now that he's on the list of sexiest celebrity abs. Suckers.

Here are some of the more qualified contenders...

(sorry, guys, I didn't include any girls on this list but feel free to Google Marissa Miller)

My personal fave...

Apparently now that he and Angie are together, he no longer poses shirtless...

A bit young...

His abs are in the center of the photo, ladies...

Best all around...

And I guess I'll give it to McConaughey...

you can imagine how difficult it was to find a photo of him shirtless...

I believe, on our way home from a second cookout on Monday, I made a pretty good argument as to why Memorial Day Weekend should be Memorial Day Week from now on. Unfortunately, I don't really remember the crux of my argument.

Say It Ain't So, Indy!

2008-05-24T20:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Indiana Jones,

Even if we actually met, in person, I don't think you would be capable of understanding the pleasure and enjoyment you have bestowed upon me and my family over the past 27 years. Do you know that when people ask me what my favorite movies are, I immediately respond "The Game, Star Wars and Indiana Jones"? Ok, so you don't get first billing, but you do get second AND third (something tells me that you're familiar with that Han Solo guy).

I cannot even begin to explain the excitement I felt when I learned that you would be making another Indiana Jones movie, 19 years after The Last Crusade. I have spent countless months defending you against many naysayers and what do you do in return? You stab me in the back by making one of THE worst movies I've seen in years. In fact, I'd like my $16 back.

Of course, Indy being Indy, the movie is sure to rake in millions at the box office but earnings have nothing to do with credibility. Never in my life would I have imagined that Harrison Ford, Steven Speilberg and George Lucas were capable of teaming up to create such a fiasco. And to think I defended the three of you by arguing that you would never have agreed to this reunion unless there was a tremendous plot and script behind it. Boy was I wrong!

Indy, you've disappointed me severely! And let me say that it has nothing to do with your age - I saw the topless scene and you look great. You just should not have agreed to the ridiculousness of the plot. We forgave you for making The Temple of Doom but, I'm sorry, we cannot forgive you for making The Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull.

All I can say is that I will do my best to hang on to those original memories from the 80s and not allow this to taint my image of you. After all, we all make mistakes.

Much Love, MJ

P.S. Although you're old enough to be my father, I'd be willing to make myself available if you're looking for some adventure outside of Hollywood.

I guess I'll have to eat Jeff Archuleta's hat.

2008-05-22T14:04:00.000-04:00

It is a glorious day, America!

This feeling that I have is definitely worth the price of the Chimay I owe my brother.

Note to David Cook: No pressure but your first CD better have me sprinting to Newbury Comics the day it comes out.

My bank account is empty. And I don't get paid for another week.

2008-05-20T16:56:00.000-04:00

It appears that $50 doesn't get you very far these days. Just yesterday I spent $50 at the gas station and, no, I didn't go into the mini mart. It probably would've cost me more like $53 and change to actually fill my tank but since I have this weird habit of always needing to stop the pump on an even amount of money, it only cost me $50.

50 dollars?!?! Did I mention I drive a Mini Cooper, not an SUV?

If only cars ran on tears.

I'm also finding it near impossible to leave the grocery store without dropping at least $50. No, we don't have any kids and, no, we're not obese.

Can anyone tell me why my salary isn't increasing as rapidly as the cost of gas and groceries?

What exactly does $50 get me nowadays?

A cute top from Anthropologie

2 tickets to the Kooks show at the Paradise before it was sold out

A haircut (color and tip not included)

6 burritos from Mambo Grill

15 Americanos at Starbucks

4 CDs at Newbury Comics

5 bottles of Fat Bastard

10 cheap-o trendy bracelets at Forever 21

5 tickets to the midnight opening of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull (I now realize this is a huge WASTE of $50)

15 months worth of birth control

1 1/2 cases of Raspberry UFO

10 On Demand movies

5 weeks of membership at my gym

4 bags of dog food

1 right field box seat at Fenway

What $50 cannot buy me...

A trip to the groomer for Little Jerry

An oil change (synthetic, of course)

2 tickets for the previously mentioned sold out Kooks show

A week's worth of groceries for me and my husband

A new sweater from J. Crew

A roundtrip Southwest Airlines flight from Manchester, NH to Baltimore, MD (like it did 3 years ago when we went to Camden Yards for a Sox game)

A great bottle of tequila

A "ticket" to a retirement party for 4 colleagues I barely even know

A month's worth of cell phone service

A perfect-fitting pair of jeans

A 1-day lift ticket at a local ski resort

Guitar Hero
A one-year subscription to Us Weekly

A passport

A decent pair of shoes

2 ink cartridges (black and color) for my printer

A Friday night out

Confessions of an American Idol Fan: I must not be American

2008-05-19T12:05:00.000-04:00

Ok, I confess, I watch American Idol religiously and have for several years now. I didn’t catch the bug immediately but it’s definitely become a guilty pleasure of mine, even with the recent drop in ratings. This is sad on a number of different levels, I know, but more so now because, as of last month, I have exceeded the age limit for contestants (in my defense, Michael Johns and I were the same age at the start of this season).

We all have our weird TV obsessions and, when it comes to reality shows, there’s something for everyone these days. Saturday night I was at a friend’s house and I happened to say to the group “Who watches American Idol?” and I didn’t get a single response. In fact, the group pretty much went on to ridicule me but, before I knew it, everyone was confessing his/her reality show sins. Throughout the conversation I heard TV titles like America’s Next Top Model, Top Chef, Project Runway, Biggest Loser, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Flavor of Love and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (ok...maybe I added the last 2 for fun). Suddenly my AI obsession didn’t appear so strange.

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure why I’m still glued to the TV after all these years because there seems to be only one guarantee in life: my #1 pick will NEVER win American Idol. Every year I somehow convince myself that this will be the year in which my late-night, half-asleep-in-bed phone calls to the generic voice that tells me “thank you for choosing contestant #3, please be sure to watch American Idol tomorrow night at 9 on FOX” will actually make a dent in the millions of votes that are cast every Tuesday night. But, alas, they never do.

If you know me, I'm sure you'll agree that my AI season favorites have become predictable over the years. No one piqued my interest in season 3, Bo Bice was my favorite in season 4, Chris Daughtry in season 5, Blake Lewis in season 6 and now David Cook in season 7. I think you know what they all have in common. I just want a winner who doesn’t fit the mold, you know? Even if it means they are locked into an Idol contract that is guaranteed to produce cheesy KISS 108 or MIX 98.5 ballads.

What makes my AI obsession so funny is the fact that I've never even purchased a CD by an AI winner or contestant. Probably the closest I’ve come is Kelly Clarkson. You have to admit that her songs are quite catchy. I kept meaning to buy her CD every time I was in Newbury Comics but Breakaway and Thankful never did make it into my collection.

I thought Fantasia Barrino was talented when she won season 3 and I enjoyed seeing her win because of her personal story but did anyone see her performance last week on AI? Simon's face said it all. Thankfully season 3 also gave us Jennifer Hudson.

A few weeks ago I watched Bo Bice perform on AI and I had to ask myself why I liked this guy back in season 4…must’ve been slim pickins that year. I was never a Carrie Underwood fan but I often find myself singing along to “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive...” And I thought I hated country music.

Remember Taylor Hicks? Along with Simon, I’m still wondering how the hell he won season 5. It has often been argued that AI is a “popularity contest” and not a talent contest. If this was the case in season 5, then I want nothing to do with America.

Although not a winner, Chris Daughtry has experienced great success and I’m happy for him since he was my fave in season 5 however his music just doesn’t rock out as much as I had hoped. I’m saddened by the fact that he turned out to be just another crossover artist like Nickelback (don’t get me started on this band). I’m still wondering when he’s going to tell his wife that he’s leaving her.

Blake Lewis was a favorite of mine simply because the other choices were terrible last year in season 6. I liked that he was unique but I knew for sure that I would never buy one of his CDs. I’m actually shocked that Jordin Sparks has already had as many hit songs as she’s had (2, I think?). I'm sure she doesn't write her own songs but I know 1st graders capable of better lyrics than “tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air.”

With the exception of the Michael Johns shocker, this season has been predictable but I still get my kicks out of it. I’m intrigued by the rumors that the show could be completely revamped for next season. While I agree that the show is in need of some revitalizing (allowing the contestants to play instruments this year just wasn’t enough), I don’t think firing people is the way to go. Yes, Paula is a dimwit and a train wreck at times but she does serve a purpose. I think all of the judges serve a purpose and I don’t mind the banter between them either. My favorite is when Randy boos Simon (I love giving someone a good, loud, lengthy “boooooo” every once in awhile). Ryan, who we rely on to be nonpartisan, seemed meaner than usual this year but I don’t think booting him is the answer either. Seriously, who else can let us know that “THIS is Ammmmerican Idol” with such conviction?

So what kind of changes are necessary?

1. Well, for starters, there’s no need for a one-hour results show; 30 minutes would be sufficient. Thank you, Comcast, for creating the DVR!

2. I’m not sure who (if anyone) is banging down the door to be a “mentor” on the show but this year’s choices were pretty sad. And was a facelift a prerequisite for mentoring?

3. Something NEEDS to be done to prevent the show from being the popularity contest that it is…I believe limiting the votes per household is not off the table.

4. I’ve heard that the producers are considering giving the auditions a lot less air time…another thank you! Auditions were absolutely cringe-worthy this year. It appeared that many people showed up for the auditions on a mission: to get their 15 minutes of fame for being the worst singer, wearing the ugliest clothes, swearing at Simon or simply wanting to stand out as the weirdest and most obnoxious. Unfortunately for us, FOX ate it up and gave these idiots exactly what they were looking for.

As for this year, we should be watching a finale that includes David Cook and Michael Johns but it was evident from David Archuleta's first performance in front of a live audience that he would be here until the end. Apparently those crying, screaming 10-year-olds we see in the audience also have faster fingers and stay up later than me and my counterparts. Yes, the boy has a great voice but he has not at all evolved in the 3 months we’ve been watching him; he has zero stage presence and can’t answer simple interview questions. And it makes me angry that so few people agree with me on this (I wish you could all hear my impression of him and his dum-dee-dum personality). Most moms and grandmothers think he’s “cute.” I prefer “goofy” and “awkward.” Maybe people are just voting for him because they know if he doesn’t win his father might bludgeon him to death or suffocate him with one of those ridiculous, I’m-trying-way-too-hard-to-be-cool-and-live-vicariously-through-my-son scali caps. I guess it could be worse; we could've had another Sanjaya or Taylor Hicks in the group.

David Cook is far and away my favorite Idol contestant ever. Yes, some of his appendages seem oddly proportioned and he clearly styles his hair to cover up his impending baldness BUT he’s proved that he has range (must we be reminded that it IS a singing contest). The fact that he has the “look,” has great stage presence, can play a variety of instruments and change the arrangement of a song for the better are all bonuses. I hate to admit this but some of his performances have actually given me the chills (download his version of Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby). I am, however, torn on whether or not I even want him to win. If he wins, his CD is destined to never make it into my collection. On the other hand, I REALLY don’t want to give David Archuleta’s dad the satisfaction of winning and then having to see the entire Archuleta family hit the media circuit for the next few weeks. I guess that means it’s a lose-lose situation for me. All I can do now is the same thing I’ve been doing week after week for the past 3 months: vote until I fall asleep and hope for the best. America, you have roughly 48 hours until I regain my faith in you or lose it entirely.

Other reality shows I admit to watching:
The Bachelor
The Biggest Loser
Amazing Race
Supernanny
The Real World
Dr. 90210
The Next Food Network Star
Extreme Makeover
Temptation Island (no longer on the air but one of the most entertaining by far!)

Reality shows I’ve caught my husband watching and often sit down to join him:
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Rock of Love
Intervention
The Deadliest Catch
American Chopper
Miami Ink
Dirty Jobs

Is this sign for you?

2008-05-16T13:57:00.000-04:00

Really important things to discuss today...

I don't know about you guys but I have been a HUGE fan of the term "cougar" since its arrival on the slang scene. So much so that my sibs and I have even shortened the word to "coug." However, I've recently found myself involved in a few debates over the actual definition (clearly these arguments take place after a few drinks). So, I visited my trusty website http://www.urbandictionary.com/ and it seems they are dealing with the same problem. They have 55 different entries!

Apparently it's much easier to SPOT a cougar than it is define one.

Here are the characteristics of a cougar by my definition...

1. Gender

Cougars always describe a woman in my book, never a man.

2. Age

I think, originally, I was arguing that a cougar is 40+ but I've now lowered the age to 35+. You never know though...when I turn 35, I may have to raise it to 40 again.

3. Attractiveness

A cougar can be ugly or very good-looking.

4. Appearance

Often, but not necessarily, cougars use hairspray, have long manicured nails, go tanning, wear a lot of gaudy jewelry, dress too young for their age and carry a fake designer handbag.

5. Location

Cougars are not limited to bars & clubs. I've spotted them in Starbucks and CVS.

6. Sexual interest

Cougars are usually on the prowl for younger men but there is no minimum or maximum age for their prey.

7. Marital status

They can be married, never married or divorced.

Hmmm...I thought it would be a lot harder to put it into words but I'm pretty happy with that definition. Maybe I'll add a 56th entry!

You don't impress me.

2008-05-15T08:08:00.000-04:00

Those of you that know me well know that I talk a LOT about exercising. My day typically revolves around my workout and I know it’s insane but that doesn’t stop me.

I happen to be someone who needs to exercise. If I don’t, I get cranky. For me, running has proved to be the best form of exercise. Why? Because it is the one exercise that makes me feel like I am working out my entire body, burning calories and losing weight (notice I did not say that it is my favorite form of exercise). The issue for me is that running is painfully boring and, frankly, I hate every second of it. When I’m running, I'm only thinking about one thing: what I’m going to do when I’m done. So, for that reason, I’ve grown to enjoy the occasional 5k race to spice up my workout a bit. Beers and snacks at the finish line can make running very worthwhile.

If you are a runner, you know that a 5k is a joke so this is by no means a fete to brag about with your friends. The reason that I might talk about completing these 5k races is NOT so that people know I ran a race or even to better my time, it’s because I usually want to fill you in on the shenanigans that typically occur after the race.

I know a few people who have completed a marathon or two during their lives and, while many people are often impressed by this, I think that it’s insane.

For years I’ve been saying that I will never run a marathon, not because I can’t but simply because I don’t want to.

Have you ever noticed that when someone runs a marathon, everyone seems to know about it? My husband, my brother and I recently had a conversation about this while we were at the Boston Marathon (truth be told, we were inside Eastern Standard drinking a couple UFOs and watching the marathon on TV). We agreed that we are MUCH more impressed by the people who have completed a marathon or two and never mentioned it until you both knew each other for several years.

So, as we were standing 100 yards away from the finish line yet watching the marathon on TV at the Eastern Standard, my brother and I went on and on about things that don’t impress us.

Here are just a few things that I don’t ever plan to do and, frankly, don’t impress me.

1. Run a marathon.
I understand that many people participate in marathons to raise money for great causes and that’s wonderful, but this just looks like hours of misery to me. I mean Uta Pippig continued a marathon (and won) after pooping her pants! People who willingly put themselves through misery do not impress me.

2. Skydive.
I’ve heard that some people skydive because they want to feel “free”. Free from what, exactly? I am not impressed by people who risk their lives to jump 13,000 feet out of a 4,000 lb. piece of metal. I’m feeling perfectly free here with both feet on the ground.

3. Participate in a triathlon.
The funny thing with this one is that I might actually consider doing a triathlon if it weren’t for the swimming component (wait, I guess that means I’d participate in a duathlon, not a triathlon).
How sad is this: I grew up with an in-ground pool in my backyard and I do not know how to swim. In my defense, I certainly could swim if I had to save my life but, technically speaking, I do not know how to properly swim. I blame this on one person: my older brother. When we were young, he did this ridiculous “Jaws” impression with his head under water and his hands just above the water in the shape of a dorsal fin. He even hummed the theme song while he was underwater. He would then swim after me and proceed to tug at my leg and pull me all the way under when I hadn’t yet learned how to go under water without holding my nose. I digress.

Many of you already know that my husband, Matt, has participated in a few triathlons. I have been a spectator at one of these events and, just as I enjoy my little 5k races, these people enjoy their triathlons. A triathlon doesn’t seem nearly as grueling as a marathon so if I’m not impressed with a marathon then I’m not impressed with a triathlon.

This got me thinking…why aren’t marathon runners called marathletes if triathlon participants are considered triathletes? I guess they are just runners? And who decided the word “biathlon” would be specific to cross-country skiing and target shooting? Again, I digress.

4. Visit all 50 states (or drive across the country).
This reminds of those Winnebagos with the magnets on the side indicating which states the Winnebago has traveled to. So, in other words, this reminds me of WT. I can think of several states that I have no interest in visiting and that includes most, if not all, of the central states. I can’t imagine being in a state that does not have access to the ocean. And the fact that you have been there doesn’t impress me. Seriously, what do I need to see or do in Iowa? Catherine, a friend of mine from college, recently confirmed: nothing.

5. Become a Vegetarian/Vegan
First of all, I know some vegetarians and vegans and I respect your decision but what can I say? I love a good burger. In fact, I often crave burgers! And I don’t feel bad about it.

6. Earn a PhD.
Obviously this degree is necessary for certain careers but, thankfully, it is not necessary for mine. In a profession such as teaching, a doctorate helps you move up in the pay scale but is it truly worth paying all those student loans to, in the end, still be earning a “teacher’s salary”? I guess it would depend on the school system you work in. My issue is with the people who obtain a PhD just so they can be called “doctor” or so they can talk about being in a doctorate program. Let me just say that I’m onto you people.

7. Get a tattoo.
Now, some of my close friends have tattoos so I just want to say that it’s not that I don’t like tattoos, it’s just that I would never get one myself. I admit that I have watched Miami Ink and I do appreciate the art of a tattoo however I am not impressed when people tell me that they have a tattoo…unless you are David Beckham. He is the only person, in my opinion, that can pull off full sleeves.

8. Backpack through anywhere.
Everywhere I went during my senior year of college I heard a lot of talk about “backpacking through Europe” and “staying in hostels” after graduation. Um, hello? We just dedicated 4 years of our lives (not to mention a ton of money) to earning a piece of paper that is supposed to allow us to obtain respectable jobs with respectable salaries. And, in 6 months, we (or at least I) will begin making payments toward that piece of paper. Here’s an idea about what you can do after graduation: look for a job.

Now, 8 years later, this idea is coming back to haunt me. Suddenly people are obsessed with spirituality and apparently, in order to become spiritual, it is necessary that you quit your job, backpack through some country in Africa or Asia and hand deliver a pile of donated books to a small village filled with people who may or may not know how to read.

9. Get a celebrity’s autograph.
I will admit that this is something that I actually have done in the past with various Red Sox players, Bruins players and Rosie O’Donnell. But I was a kid!

Can someone tell me why this trend still exists and why a celebrity autograph can be worth so much money? Is it simply to hang it on your wall to impress people? Well, all I have to say to you people is please don’t bore me with your autographs because I am not impressed. You can buy autographs on eBay these days so an autograph doesn’t even prove that you ever met the person and, if you did indeed meet the person, then just effing tell me you did. When you tell me, I might think it’s cool (depending on who it is) but I can assure you that I won’t be impressed.

Thank you, Amber!

2008-05-15T07:40:00.000-04:00

So I started this blog over 2 months ago and have yet to send anyone the link. I am extremely self-conscious, I guess. I've started several blogs, saving them as Microsoft Word documents but, for some reason, I can't pull the trigger and post them.

My friends, Amber & Matt, recently had twins and Amber started a blog to keep family & friends involved in the everyday trials & tribulations of parenting twins. I want to say thank you to Amber because she has given me the courage to return to my blog. I've posted the link to the "Team Gillis" blog if you'd like to check it out.

A Blog About Nothing

2008-03-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

I’ve noticed that a lot of people begin their blogs by saying that they’ve been thinking about creating a blog for a long time. I, too, am one of those people. I’ve been reluctant up until now because, in the back of my mind, I always considered blogs, Facebook and MySpace to be a little too egocentric for me. As I do often, I’ve changed my mind.

Fortunately for me, I really don’t have much going on in my life right now and that’s just how I like it. No drama. You’re probably thinking that without drama there’s not much to blog about but it’s because there’s no drama that I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the past 30 years of my life.

So here are my reasons for creating this blog:

1. Unfortunately, I don’t get to spend as much as time as I would like with the people that I enjoy most, so this seems like a good alternative to share my thoughts and learn which thoughts are “normal” and which ones really are strange.

2. Because of the line of work that I am in, I’m a huge believer in the benefits of journaling so I’m hoping that this will be somewhat cathartic for myself.

3. I also hope that this blog will occasionally make you laugh, cry, angry, happy, agree or disagree.

I’ve always considered myself to be somewhat "quirky" but lately I’ve begun to notice that I’m actually quite normal. I would even call myself “average”, which, believe me, I am not happy about. The older I get and the more conversations I have with family, friends and colleagues, the more I realize that the thoughts I so often have are actually shared by many and when you find out that other people share these thoughts, it can make for a really funny and enjoyable conversation. It’s sort of like Seinfeld which was a “show about nothing” but left many people saying “Oh my god, that happened to me too.” or “I know exactly what you’re talking about”. I guess this is a blog about nothing.

Before I go, I would like to add a disclaimer. Let me just say that I am not a writer nor do I have any aspirations of becoming a writer (you’re probably saying “Thank god because her Flesch-Kincaid readability level is currently at a 5th grade level”). Grammar and vocabulary certainly aren’t strengths for me. I can literally spend hours trying to figure out how I should word one sentence or whether I should be using a comma or a semi colon so please try not to have any high expectations. I can’t say how often I will post a new blog but check back with me if you find yourself bored and surfing the net. I welcome your comments at any time.